OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS

The Ways Of The World

My son is 19 years old and has never had a girlfriend. My husband is worried about him and says that he should be sowing wild oats by now. He says that there must be something seriously wrong with a boy of 19 whose every waking hour is not dominated by thinking about girls. He wants to take our son to a local prostitute to 'initiate' him into what he calls 'the ways of the world'. I find the idea distasteful and my husband and I have had serious arguments about it. What do you think?

Your husband's suggestion is perhaps not quite as outrageous or as original as it sounds. French aristocrats often used to take their sons of twelve or thirteen years along to their own favourite courtesans - though that was to make sure that they learned how to be good, considerate lovers and didn't disappoint their brides on their wedding nights. Nevertheless, I think that you would be wise to let your son decide for himself where, when and with whom he loses his virginity. Unless your husband is a regular customer of local prostitutes and knows one who will guarantee your fumbling son a loving reception the experience is as likely to be disastrously anxiety inducing as it is to be a successful introduction to a lifetime of happy sex.

Flattery And Honour

I have received a letter telling me that I am being considered for an honour by my old college. But there are many things about the college which I no longer approve of and although I'm flattered by the honour I don't feel entirely comfortable about accepting it. I have, indeed, been a fairly vocal critic of some of the college's policies. What do you think I should do?

You should turn down the honour and explain exactly why you are turning it down. If you accept an honour then you are publicly allying yourself with the institution which is awarding you the honour. And how can you criticise the college in future if you have accepted an honour? Anyone who accepts an honour from an organisation is adding whatever credence, credibility and prestige they may have to the organisation concerned. Governments, monarchs and institutions constantly seek to win favour, support (and, sometimes, silence) by handing out awards and honours.

Second Class Citizen

I work in education. I'm white and male and I'm beginning to feel like a second class citizen. I've applied for promotion on several occasions. Each time I've been told that my qualifications are perfect and my work record perfect. But each time the job has been given to someone else. On four occasions the 'someone else' has been female, black and had fewer qualifications and less experience than I have. I'm beginning to feel that I have no chance of ever getting anywhere. I have always been fervently opposed to racism but it seems to me that I am now suffering from racist policies.

The process you describe is well established in South Africa where it is known as 'affirmative action'. The excuse is that since blacks have been discriminated against for years there now needs to be some discrimination against whites in order to redress the balance. I think 'affirmative action' is dangerous for it will eventually lead to a backlash. How much longer before hordes of middle aged white males troop onto the streets and start storming the citadels from whence these dangerous ideas are disseminated? Meanwhile, the process you describe has spread far and wide. One white male author I know sent a book typescript to several publishers. None of them were interested. A few months later he persuaded a black woman friend to send the same typescript to the same publishers. Several of them were wildly enthusiastic and made offers for the book. The moral seems clear enough. In future I will be writing under the name Dr Blodwyn Ngwanda.

The Christmas Party

My boss kissed me at our Christmas Party. While he was kissing me he fondled my breasts through my dress. I haven't been able to think about anything else since then. I think I have fallen in love with him. I've worked under him for three years but had never before realised that he felt this way about me. How do I tell him the way I feel?

I think I must have missed something. Maybe a page of your letter got lost in the post. I hate to be boringly realistic but don't you think it could be possible that you may be reading just a little too much into your boss's behaviour? Isn't it possible that you were simply groped by a man who was a little overfull of Christmas spirit? I think you should wait until you get your breasts fondled a second time before you start sending out the wedding invitations.

A Painful Kiss

I tried to kiss my girlfriend but she gave me a black eye. She said that if I try again she will blacken my other eye. Do you think I should try again?

Not until you've taken boxing lessons.

A Sensitive Person

My daughter is not able to work because of her nerves. She finds travel on public transport a trial and is a very sensitive person. She is seven stones overweight and is very conscious of this. She has been given numerous diets but finds losing weight very difficult. She cannot possibly be expected to take on a job and put up with comments from co-workers. The authorities have declared that she is fit for employment and have told her that unless she looks for a job her benefit will stop. How can my daughter appeal against this decision?

I haven't the foggiest idea. And I don't intend to waste any effort finding out. You seem to me to be absurdly protective and your daughter seems to be whingeing and self obsessed. I know of people without limbs who struggle to work so that they can support themselves. They're paying taxes to keep your fat child slumped in front of the telly. Why should your daughter's obesity entitle her to evade her personal and social responsibilities? If she wants to get more fun out of life then she should make a genuine effort to stop stuffing her fat face with food her body doesn't need.

Raunchy Magazines In The Toolshed

I've been married for eight years and our love life is rather dull. Sex never lasts more than five or ten minutes. We only ever do it one way (the missionary position, of course). I had assumed that this must be because my husband was not terribly interested in sex but yesterday I found a pile of really raunchy magazines in the toolshed (I had gone in there to find a screwdriver to mend the kettle). I also found some pornographic stories my husband had written (presumably for his own pleasure). In these he describes all sorts of things - such as oral sex - that we've never done together. I wasn't shocked or horrified by the discovery - just frustrated and disappointed that he hasn't tried any of these things with me.

Women have the vote and control most of the nation's money but emancipation still hasn't reached the bedroom. Like you most women still feel that they must wait for their male partner to make all the moves in bed. They have a deep rooted suspicion that if they let their feelings show they will shock or embarrass their husbands.

This wouldn't matter so much if men weren't so often frightened of or intimidated by their partners. An unpublished and entirely unreliable survey conducted by a group of bitter and twisted researchers showed that at least 88% of men are frightened of their wives.

And the result is that sex is something that most people think about a lot but do rarely. As you have now discovered your husband has a perfectly normal interest in sex. Most healthy, men think about sex most of the time. They fantasise about sex. And they like looking at pictures of naked or semi naked women. If sexual fantasies could be exchanged for productivity the Europeans would leave the Japanese standing.

Your husband's apparent indifference in bed is clearly due only to shyness and a feeling that you might be upset or offended if he suggested anything a little more erotic. So you must turn him on and release his innermost urges.

Here's what to do.

Next time you are in bed together whisper something sexy into his ear. Tell him, for example, that you read about oral sex and that you wonder what it's like. Ask him if he would mind terribly much if you tried it. That's all.

This Way Up

My son is always embarrassing me. My husband bought me some sexy underwear for Christmas and my six year old saw it. On Boxing Day, in the middle of a large family dinner, he announced to everyone, in a very loud voice, that Father Christmas had given mummy a pair of panties with the words 'This Way Up' printed on the front. I nearly died of embarrassment.

There isn't anything you can do to stop your children embarrass ing you. It is one of the things that children do best. But be patient and bide your time because when your son is a little older you will be able to get your own back. When you take him on his first date wear your dressing gown and carpet slippers. As he rushes off to meet his mates get out of the car and ask him (in a very loud voice) if he remembered to put a vest on. When he blushes and protests tell him firmly that he's not to kiss any girls and that he must be home by ten at the very latest.

Most Of My Friends Are Perverts

When I was on holiday with my fiancee I admitted to her that I am a transvestite. She allowed me to put some of her clothes on but then said she didn't like it and thought it was perverted. Since we got home I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I just want to dress up and go out with her. What can I say to her to make her see I am not a pervert. Please help me because I am getting depressed just thinking about it.

A pervert is someone who overturns the established order of things. Someone who threw the Prime Minister out of office would, by definition, be a pervert. Anyone who protests against established authority is a pervert. Most of my friends are, I'm pleased to say, perverts. And I am quite definitely a pervert. So, don't worry about your girlfriend thinking that you are a pervert.

Try to explain to your girlfriend that, in the scheme of things, cross dressing is a pretty mild perversion. You like putting on a pair of knickers and a frock occasionally. So, wow, does that make some sort of fiend? Transvestism is a cheaper hobby than golf, more socially acceptable than train spotting, doesn't have any known side effects and is a better form of relaxation than taking pills. It has, in the past, been practised by whole nations. Around the world it is currently practised by millions of happily married heterosexuals who have given the phrase 'I'd like to get into her knickers' a brand new meaning. (Homosexuality is less common among transvestites than it is among non-transvestites). Moreover, your girlfriend might take some comfort from the knowledge that you don't want to go out with other women - you just want to dress like them.

Sadness And Anguish

I am a young woman who is desperate to end a short lifetime of sadness and anguish. I really cannot take any more of life. I have attempted suicide but was condemned to more time on this earth by a well meaning neighbour. My family were devastated and made me promise never to try anything like it again. I have tried hard for them but I know I will not last much longer. I have tried to explain to them but they are adamant that it is wrong. How can I get them to see that it is for the best that I die? I do not have the inner strength to cope with life. I hope you, at least, will understand me.

You are never going to be able to convince your family that dy- ing is the only solution to your constant sadness and despair. They will never understand that for you life holds no attraction. And they will always try to dissuade you from a solution they can neither understand nor accept. So, since you are doomed to remain an unwilling member of the human race why not find a cause to which you can dedicate your life? If you genuinely feel that you have no reason to live and yet know that you cannot die use your skills, your determination, your voice and whatever hours, days, weeks, months and years remain to fight against something which you feel is unjust. Battle against cruelty and you may find a passion for life that you never before knew existed.

He Was Married

I went out with a man for quite a few years. I thought we had a really good relationship. He talked of us living together and even getting married. Then suddenly he stopped seeing me. Eventually he sent me a note to say that he had been married all the time. How can I ever trust anyone again?

Not everyone is as deceitful as this man. After this miserable experience you will, inevitably, feel distrustful and suspicious for some considerable time. But try not to let this individual colour your view of all other men. With a little luck you will meet someone whom you can slowly learn to trust. There are many men out there in the world who are looking for real love; many of them have been hurt by women and are now just as suspicious of the opposite sex as you are.

A Loose Woman

My daughter, who is eighteen, saw a pornographic movie at a friend's house recently. I am very worried. Do you think that she will now become a pervert or a loose woman?

Stop worrying. If pornographic movies and magazines corrupted or influenced the minds of those who watch or read them then magistrates and police officers who view and then confiscate such material would clearly be corrupted. Since they aren't corrupted, and remain upright, sensitive and law abiding citizens, it is clear that pornography is not evil.

A Belated Discovery

My husband died some time ago. I have now found that I can have an orgasm by myself. Will this be harmful to me. I am 84 years old.

You have, rather belatedly, discovered masturbation. It will not harm you.

A Sporting Girl

I have been married for four years and have got used to the fact that I don't see much of my husband. He works away from home for several months a year. Although he has always sent me money I got into debt about six months ago and when the bank threatened to repossess our home I went to a local money lender whose name I got from a friend. The trouble was that the interest rate the money lender charged was so high that I couldn't keep up with the payments. The money lender offered to let me off some of the interest payments if I had sex with him. I didn't want to do it but I didn't have any choice. Then the money lender told me about a friend of his who could help me earn some money by having sex with men at a club in town. It seemed the easy way out and so I agreed. I thought I'd pay off my debts and then stop. But when my husband got home last week he found out what I've been doing. I expected him to be furious and to throw me out but instead he told me he wants me to carry on having sex for money. He says that if I do he'll be able to give up work and stay at home all year round.

What do YOU want to do? If you really want to be what the French used to call a 'sporting girl' then your husband's support for your choice of career may be welcome; though he must be careful not to be accused of living off your immoral earnings and you must both beware of the inevitable employment hazards. (How is it, I wonder, that the relatives of politicians and drug company employees are never arrested for living off 'immoral earnings'?). But if you now want to retire and hang up your 5 inch red high heels you should say 'no' and be firm about it.

Putting Himself Down

My husband doesn't seem to have much confidence. I think he's wonderful but he's always putting himself down. How can I help him have more faith in himself?

Make sure that every day you tell him exactly how wonderful you think he is. And, as a special treat and to bring a real smile to his face tell him that your best friend thinks he is the sexiest man she's ever seen.

Dirty Knickers

A friend of mine recently asked me to help her out with her mail order business. She advertises in mens' magazines and sells her dirty knickers to men who send cheques or postal orders in the post. Her problem is that she can't get through enough knickers to satisfy the demand. So now I buy knickers in packs of six and get through two or three packs a day. I don't wash any of them but just pass them on to my friend who pays me twice what I paid for them and sells them to her customers. I'm now making more out of this than I am out of my full time job as a school cleaner. Now my friend wants me to help her find more women to help satisfy the demand. She wants me to get half a dozen women doing what I do. I've worked out that if I say 'yes' I could make a small fortune. Do you think I should do it?

I'd love to see you perform a mime of what you do for the 'What's My Line?' panel. And I'd be fascinated to know what sort of category your work would put you into. It is, I suppose more 'white knicker' than 'blue collar'. Is there a career structure? What sort of training programme are you prepared to offer to new employees? And if your bottom gets bigger and you take a bigger size in knickers does that count as business expansion?

I mentioned your business project to an advisor at a merchant bank. He thinks it is one of the most exciting businesses around today. In fact it is the only growth area he can think of.

And I think it says something about our society that you can earn more selling dirty knickers than most university graduates can earn after many years of study.

Yes, I certainly think you should help your friend expand the business. My friend the merchant banker feels that maybe you should even consider buying your own knicker factory to cut down your costs. He says that you should at least investigate the possibility of buying your knickers wholesale.

Unethical, Immoral And Unforgivable

I recently discovered that I have leukaemia. I was angry to find out that my doctor has known about this for eighteen months. He says he didn't tell me because he 'didn't want to worry me'. Is this common? What right does he have to keep such important information from me? I have always asked him to tell me the truth about my health and there is nothing in my medical history which would suggest that I am not capable of dealing with this information.

If your accountant failed to tell you the truth about your finances you would think him mad and irresponsible. If a car mechanic found something seriously wrong with your car - but didn't tell you because he didn't want to upset you - you would, quite rightly, protest. Your doctor's failure to tell you the truth - or at least to ask you if you would like to know the truth - is in my view completely unethical, immoral and unforgivable. The doctor-patient relationship is built on trust and respect and it is incidents like the one you have described which have destroyed the foundations of the relationship.

I Love Sex

I am in my early 40s and I love sex. I have been in a couple of long term relationships since my divorce and now I am single. I look happily married when I am out. Other than wearing a big badge saying: 'I'm single: get your clothes off' or dressing up like a tart I don't know what to do. I am not into wham bam thank you maam one night stands. I was hoping I'd find a tall, good looking 35-40 year old man in my Christmas stocking - but no such luck.

There must be thousands of reasonably tall, relatively good look ing men in your approved age range who are keen - nay desperate - to meet you. It seems a cruel waste for anyone with your sense of fun and love for sex to have to keep warm with an electric blanket. What's your favourite hobby? Whatever it is - football, embroidery, deep sea diving or campanology - there must be clubs you can join where you'll be mobbed by men with similar interests.

The Womaniser

I have fallen in love with a man who has a terrible reputation as a womaniser. All my friends tell me that he will dump me as soon as he gets bored (most of them have already been to bed with him and know him from bitter, personal experience). The problem is that he is charming and he is terrific in bed. What do I do?

You can either give him up now and be extremely miserable or you can wait until he gives you up and be extremely miserable then. On balance I think you might as well wait and enjoy the good times. Who knows, the world may end tomorrow.

What's The Point Of Foreplay?

What's the point of foreplay? My wife always wants to spend ages on sex. She likes me to do things like kiss her breasts and stroke her thighs before I get down to business but it all seems a bit of a waste of time to me. The best bit of sex is the orgasm so why waste time messing around with the chores beforehand.

I suspect that many readers will be as surprised as I am to read that you regard kissing your wife's breasts and stroking her thighs as 'chores'. Many people (men as well as women) find these tasks extremely pleasant. Moreover, there is some evidence to show that longer, better foreplay leads to longer and more explosive orgasms.

However, I think I may have a solution for you. Some top surgeons ask their assistants to perform the preliminary work (cutting open the patient and finding the organs which need repair). They themselves only appear in the operating theatre when the heart, gall bladder, brain, kidney or whatever is exposed and ready to be dealt with. Once the most vital bits of the operation have been completed they leave the assistant to sew the patient back up again.

Maybe you could find a friend or neighbour to take over the sexual tasks which you find unrewarding. You yourself could then take over at the last moment, have your orgasm and then leave your friend to lie beside your wife, stare at the ceiling and tell her how much you love her.

Having A Good Time

Surely the widespread use of condoms is simply a sign that more and more people are now having sex with partners they hardly know.

Let's not be hypocritical about this. When a man or woman uses a condom to protect themselves from infection they are effectively saying: 'I don't know very much about this person but I'm going to have sex with them because we're both willing, I feel randy and with any luck at all it will be more fun than masturbating or watching television.' When the same individual uses a condom to protect them against parenthood they are effectively saying: 'I'm having sex for the pleasure it gives.' But when they have sex with someone they don't know is faithful to them, or someone with whom they don't want to have a baby, and they don't use a condom they are effectively saying that they don't care about tomorrow and are going to have a good time whatever the consequences.

I'm In Love With My Son's Girlfriend

I am a 44 year old woman. Recently my son and his girlfriend came to stay for a week. One evening I went into the bathroom and found her there stepping out of the bath. She looked so beautiful that I just stared at her for what seemed like hours. I then apologised and left. I now can't stop thinking about her and I feel bad about this. I think I've fallen in love with her, though I know I'm not gay.

It sounds to me as though your love has been inspired simply by your son's girlfriend's beauty - rather than by any sexual urges.

And real beauty - whether it is a painting, a sculpture, a book, a piece of music, a stretch of countryside or a human body - is always captivating. Why on earth shouldn't you admire another woman's body without feeling guilty? The chances are that it is twenty years since you've seen firm breasts and soft skinned thighs and you'd forgotten just how beautiful a woman's body can be.

There are women who get angry with their husbands or boyfriends when they spot them feasting their eyes on other women. (Equally there are men who get angry with their wives or girlfriends when they see them looking at other men). When the feasting of the eyes is clearly lascivious or lustful and seems likely to lead to more than mere visual delight then the anger may be justified but when the intention is innocent it seems to me dangerous to object for this is likely simply to lead to secrecy and furtiveness. Window shopping is only hazardous when it turns into compulsive buying.

Diseases To Worry About

I thought you had already established that the threat of AIDS had been exaggerated by ignorant politicians and by people with a vested interest in 'selling us' the plague theory. But I have recently seen one or two quotes from people who still seem to claim that AIDS is going to kill us all.

AIDS is still the biggest source of research funds in the world.

And there are still thousands of people who have their own reasons for wanting to perpetuate the AIDS myth for as long as possible. There are still folk around claiming that every other person already has AIDS that and we will all be dead of the disease by tomorrow lunchtime. AIDS is a serious and deadly hazard, but in my view, if you want to worry about major killer diseases worry about the plague, TB and mad cow disease.

Love, Lust And Infatuation

How do you know if you are in love? I think I am but I've never been in love before so I'm not sure. What is the difference between love, lust and infatuation?

You are in lust when your feelings about someone are more or less entirely physical, causing irresistible genital stirrings and a desperate yearning to bonk the object of your desire senseless. Love at first sight is usually lust at first sight. Infatuation is an obsession with someone. You can be infatuated with someone you have never met. People get infatuated with pop stars and school teachers. Love is more complicated than either lust or infatuation. Love is wanting to be with someone, share things with them, look after them, protect them and hold them. Love is affection and friendship more than sheer sex. You'll know for sure that you are in love when you suddenly realise that you are kissing your best friend.

A High Sex Drive

I have - and always have had - a very high sex drive. My husband has a very low sex drive. I enjoy sex very much and if I don't have an orgasm once or twice a week I become edgy and irritable. He is happy having sex once a month at most - and I suspect he wouldn't mind very much if we never did it at all. I enjoy sex too much to want to reduce my sex drive but is there any way that my husband can increase his? I am worried that if we carry on the way we are I may be tempted to have an affair. I work in an office with several dishy men and I know that several of them would be only too willing to go to bed with me if I made myself available.

Your husband's sex drive will increase if he has more sex. So maybe you should try a real effort to get him a little more interested in what you have to offer. Have you tried all the usual methods (skimpy underwear, stockings and suspenders, exotic perfume) of encouraging your husband to take more interest in sex? If you haven't then a small outlay on a few ounces of diaphanous lingerie might pay good dividends. If that fails then you are, I'm afraid, going to have to take your sexual future into your own hands. In order to ensure that you don't get blisters on your fingers I suggest that you invest in a small collection of heavy duty vibrators and a couple of packs of long lasting batteries.

Worried About The Size Of My Penis

I am very worried about the size of my penis. I have had three girlfriends and none of them have actually complained but I have always been conscious of the fact that my organ is probably rather on the small side. I seem to remember that there are exercises a man can do to increase the size of his penis. Can you please tell me what they are?

I don't recommend surgery or creams but here's an experimental exercise you can try for a temporary increase in penis size. First, take off your clothes. Next, get a female friend to strip off to her undies and pose in front of you enticingly. You should notice a temporary but fairly speedy and probably dramatic increase in the size of your organ. (If you don't have a willing female friend buy a suitable magazine and open it at a page you find arousing). Isn't science fun?

My Life Is Dull

My life is unbelievably dull. I get up every day and plod through my work but nothing seems to mean anything any more. I have a fairly responsible job but to be honest I can do what I do without ever exerting myself. I am not in the slightest bit depressed but I realised the other day that I couldn't really care less whether I lived or died. I don't feel sad or miserable. I don't really feel anything. What do you think is the matter with me?

If you rely on life's daily trivialities to provide you with real satis- faction you will, inevitably, be dissatisfied. Paying your gas bill before you get the red reminder, making sure that 500 ballcocks get to Milton Keynes by a week on Thursday, exchanging meaningless glances with another commuter on the 5.45pm home from work and cleaning the hairs out of your plughole are not the things which inspire. Fill your life with some real ambitions, some genuine goals, and the inspiration will lift you above the humdrum and out of the everyday world. Write down today ten things that you would really like to do. You can include places you want to visit, people you want to meet or ambitions you want to fulfil. Be dramatic and daring! Then work out what you will have to do in order to fulfil those ten ambitions. And finally, start putting each plan into action. If you find that fear of disappointment, embarrassment or humiliation is stopping you then your goals and ambitions aren't big enough.

One Thing Led To Another

My husband and I recently travelled to a nearby large town to go to the theatre. We went on the train and on the way back sat in an otherwise deserted compartment. We started cuddling and kissing and one thing led to another. Eventually I unzipped my husband's trousers, removed my panties and tights and squeezed onto his lap. It was the most exciting sex I've ever had. The gentle movement of the train and the fact that we were in a public place combined to make it a really memorable experience. At one point the ticket collector walked past and glanced at us. I'm sure he must have realised what we were doing but fortunately he didn't say anything. I want to try it again but my husband, who has a responsible job in a bank, says that it is too dangerous. He says that if we are caught his career could be ruined. What do you think?

I'm delighted to say that I know nothing about careers in banks. I've never had a 'proper' job (even though I have worked as a GP I was self employed) and I have been unemployable for most of my life. Personally, the fact that a banker does or does not screw on trains would have no influence on my decision about whether or not to entrust him with my overdraft. But I can imagine that there are probably some sexually repressed Colonels in the home counties who might fancy that such behaviour deserved a good horse whipping.

The fact is that most things worth doing are risky and you have to decide whether you want to go through life worrying about what faceless, grey men and women think or whether you are going to have some fun. You really can't do both. If we're lucky we get 70 years on this earth. You can either spend your 70 years looking over your shoulder and waiting for it to rain or else you can smell the flowers, dance a little and enjoy the sunshine when it's there. I'm all for the flowers, the dancing, the sunshine and bonking on trains.

How Do You Define Middle Age?

How do you define middle age? I'm 46 and get very offended when people call me middle aged. Surely middle age is 50 onwards? You're kidding yourself. You are, it is true, on the edge of mid- dle age. But on the wrong edge. If you assume that average life expectancy is 70 years then we're young from 0 to 23, middle aged from 24 to 46 and old from 47 onwards. But what does it matter what you call it? The important thing is that you are as old as you feel (or as someone, probably Groucho Marx, once said, a man is as old as the woman he's feeling). I know 20 year olds who are 'old' and 80 year olds who are 'young'. I'm sure that if you stop and think about it you'll know exactly what I mean.

A Small Village

I live in a small village. I came here about six years ago when I married a girl who was born in the community. Three months ago we split up and I moved in with another woman. Things are now very difficult. The whole village seems to have taken side with my ex wife although she was by no means free of blame in the break up of our marriage. My new girlfriend and I both feel very alone. No one talks to us and I've just been fired from my job. We are renting two rooms and our landlord, who is a big noise in the local church, has just given us notice to move out. I have no idea where else we will be able to find accommodation. The local church is quite a focal point in the village and it is the regular churchgoers who are giving my girlfriend and I a really hard time. I thought that god had taught forgiveness but there isn't a lot of that going on here.

I would strongly suggest that you consider leaving the village and moving somewhere else. Small, loving communities can be wonderful and often provide a loving and caring environment. But small communities can sometimes also be very conservative, introspective and unforgiving places - particularly when they are dominated by religious fanatics. I believe that God judges people by what they do with their lives, and by how they behave towards other people and animals. Consequently, on judgement day the air will, I suspect, be pungent with the frying of millions of knee bending, hymn singing, hypocritical knipperdollings. Churchgoers who regard themselves as Christians because they dress up in their posh clothes and sing hymns on Sundays, who are quick to make moral judgements about their neighbours, and who look down their noses at non knee benders are invariably sanctimonious, cold hearted, two faced bastards.

A Bleeding Problem

I have been bleeding continuously for three months now. My doctor, who says he won't examine me until the bleeding stops, says it is just a long period but I'm worried. What do you think I should do? My doctor says I'm not to bother him again until the bleeding stops.

I haven't been an active participant in the stethoscope and rubber glove business for a long time and it is many a year since I had any of my digits in a stranger's orifice in the course of business but I would strongly recommend that you urgently ask your doctor to arrange for a second opinion. If he won't do this then I suggest that you visit the Accident and Emergency department of your local hospital and explain your problem to the doctors there. I also suggest that you change doctors.

Penile Dementia

I've been going steady with a boy for two years. During that time he has had sex with at least six of my friends. He always denies these affairs but I know he is lying.

I fear that your boyfriend may be suffering from a rare and diffi- cult to treat disorder known as penile dementia. The disorder is caused by a condition known as 'cerebral drop' in which the patient's fundamental intellectual capacity falls several feet from the head to the groin area. The two most common symptoms are randiness and forgetfulness. In olden times (when I was a boy) women successfully treated men who exhibited signs of this disorder by refusing to cook them dinner and by depriving them of their conjugal rights for a week. These days this primitive but effective treatment has been outlawed by European Community bureaucrats who have decreed that such actions are in breach of clause ET857/9387 of the European Nookie Rights Charter. You may like to consider finding yourself a partner who does not exhibit such obvious signs of penile dementia.

A Stag Party And A Hen Night

My fiance is having a stag party and I'm having a hen night. However, I am very worried about what he (and his friends) might get up to. I have heard of stag parties where dirty movies are shown, where strippers are hired to take off all their clothes and kiss the groom and where men drink too much and do really silly things.

I can't help wondering what you're going to do on your hen night? Are you and your girlfriends planning to sit around in tweeds and sensible shoes knitting blanket squares, singing hymns, sharing favourite jam sandwich recipes, nibbling dry biscuits and sipping mugs of lukewarm cocoa? If this is your idea of fun then I don't think you should marry at all. You should instead live with your invalid mother, become secretary to a solicitor and dream damp, secret dreams of sultry summer evenings in the arms of a good looking and explosive Latin hunk. There are times in life when mildly irresponsible behaviour (conducted with the appropriate degree of English restraint) is justifiable if not compulsory and a man's stag night is one of those times.

Fading Away

My husband retired four months ago and since then his health has deteriorated dramatically. Before he retired he was an active, fit looking man. But now he constantly complains of pains in his legs, arms and chest. He used to walk to work and back every day (a total distance of around four miles) but these days he has difficulty walking to the end of our street. He is fading away before my eyes and I am absolutely terrified. Our doctor has examined him but says he cannot find anything wrong with him. When I told the doctor how worried I was he simply said that my husband was showing signs of having had too many birthdays! But my husband is only 65 years old and just a few months ago we were looking forward to a long and happy retirement together.

It is common for people to deteriorate dramatically once they have retired. Work, however mundane it may be, often provides a sense of purpose without which life seems dull and directionless. Minor aches and pains and insignificant ailments are ignored or suppressed when there is work to be done, commitments to be met and responsibilities to be fulfilled. Remove the work, the commitments and the responsibilities and those minor aches and pains suddenly become significant. Your husband urgently needs to find new interests to give his life a sense of purpose again. You must help him find a hobby - and preferably one that gets him out of the house on a regular basis. A part time job would probably be a good idea. And maybe a dog would make a good companion and an excuse to get him back into the habit of taking regular daily walks again.

I Come Too Soon

I suffer from premature ejaculation. When I try to make love to my girlfriend I always come far too quickly - sometimes within seconds of entering her. Naturally, she finds this very frustrating. What can I do?

Have you tried having a second erection within an hour or so of the first one? This is often an excellent and simple way of dealing with the problem. The second erection rarely disappears quite as quickly as the first.

Searching For Willing Men

While we were on holiday we met a man who was alone and invited him to join us for a drink at the bar. He was clearly very lonely. While he was away at the loo my husband asked me if I fancied him. The stranger looked a lot like Prince Charles, who has always been my hero, and so I said I did. He asked me if I'd like to invite him back to our room and see what happened. My making love to two men at once has long been a fantasy we have shared. I was a bit drunk and so I agreed. When the three of us got back to our room my husband suggested that I did a strip tease to entertain them. When I was down to my bra and panties he told me to sit between them on the couch and then invited our new friend to fondle my breasts. The stranger didn't need asking twice. He made love to me in every possible way while my husband sat beside us and watched. I lost count of the number of times we did it together that night. The three of us slept together every other night of the holiday. We didn't make the stranger use a condom since he said he hadn't had sex for over a year and we felt pretty sure that he would be safe. I take the contraceptive pill so we didn't have to worry about pregnancy. I know my husband got a real kick out of watching me make love to my royal lookalike. And I certainly enjoyed it. We both now want to repeat this experience on a regular basis. Can you suggest any way that we might be able to find willing men? Do you think any of your readers would be interested? If not I think we'll probably just use a contact magazine.

I'm sure that I could find you a couple of million 'interested' males; though none, of course, could hope to match the unique charms of a royal lookalike. But I'm not in the pimping business. Before you even consider buying a contact magazine and flicking through the advertisements until you find a pouting prospect with suitably proportioned ears I think you should visit your local 'special diseases' clinic and make sure that you didn't come back off your holiday with any unexpected souvenirs. And I also think that you should abandon your trusting nature and buy yourself a large boxful of condoms. Finally, if you are determined to carry on with your plan, do check out prospective lovers before you meet. Written references are probably inappropriate but you should, perhaps, consider a preliminary meeting where you can lay down whatever ground rules you think are appropriate. And if you want to retain your privacy you ought perhaps to consider meeting at a hotel and using false names. You and your husband are, for numerous reasons, playing a dangerous game. Your own relationship may not survive the sexual freedom you are planning to enjoy. And there are a lot of nutters out there who may be only too eager to take advantage of you in ways you hadn't bargained for.

Sex With My Mother-in-Law

My wife has a very important job. Two weeks ago she went abroad for five days to attend a conference. I'm not very good at cooking and household chores - though I always do more than my fair share in the garden to make up for this - so while she was away her mother offered to come and stay to look after me. Although my mother in law is in her late forties - nearly twenty years older than me - she is very attractive and still has a terrific figure. Nevertheless I had never thought of her in any sexual way and it was quite a shock to me when, on our first evening alone, she sat down beside me on the sofa to watch TV and I realised that I was aroused by her presence. She was wearing a very short skirt which had ridden up her thighs and had on a tight sweater and a flattering bra. When she casually rested her hand on my leg I started to sweat as I realised that I was developing an enormous and very noticeable erection. I quickly picked up the newspaper and dropped it across my lap to hide the evidence. 'You don't have to be embarrassed,' she said, tossing the newspaper aside and smiling at me. 'I'm really very flattered.' By the way she was looking at me it was obvious she wanted me to kiss her. A few minutes later our son-in-law/mother-in-law relationship had been changed for ever. We slept together in the spare bed until my wife came back. Now that my wife is back home I'm torn. I know my mother in law is keen to repeat our experience but I'm worried about damaging my marriage. My wife is going away to another conference next month and once again her mother has offered to come and look after me. Help! What do I do?

First of all you have to decide whether you want this affair to stop or to carry on. If you want it to stop then you should talk confidentially to your mother in law and explain to her that you enjoyed making love to her very much but that you are frightened of wrecking your marriage. Ask her to find some reason not to come and stay while your wife is away and buy yourself a simple 'How to make a jam sandwich' cookbook. If you can't say 'no' and you want your dangerous affair to carry on then you're going to have to be very careful to make sure that your wife doesn't find out because discovering that her mum and her hubby have been bonking each other's brains out in the guest room is likely to send her off into orbit. You should also make sure that your diet contains plenty of protein and zinc.

Everyone Makes Mistakes

I would like to start my own business but I am very nervous about the prospect of making serious mistakes and seeing things go badly wrong. My parents bought a small shop early in their married life and very nearly went bankrupt. Their experience has made me anxious but it is my wife's attitude which I find most difficult to deal with. Every time I do anything wrong she almost gleefully points out my error and reminds me that just one mistake could put me out of business.

There is nothing at all wrong with making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. No one can be right at all the time. Give yourself strength by being prepared to admit that you are wrong when you do make mistakes which are (at least in part) your fault. If you accept challenges, take risks and live your life to the full then you must sometimes fail. Occasionally your judgement will be faulty. Sometimes other people will let you down. Some errors may be entirely your fault. Some will be other peoples fault. Most will be a mixture. Making a mistake is a weakness and you should naturally try to make as few as possible. But admitting that you have made a mistake is a sign of strength and courage. Apologising for your mistakes is a sign of maturity. And learning from your mistakes is a sign of real wisdom. Your wife's fears are almost certainly inspired by anxiety about the consequences of failure so try to reassure her by limiting the downside in case things go wrong. Don't start off by borrowing so much money that you won't have any spare borrowing capacity for emergencies. Remember that things won't go anywhere near as smoothly as you hope and allocate some cash for the problems you haven't thought of and your chances of succeeding in your business endeavour will be much greater.

How To Increase Your Life Expectancy

I recently read a report claiming that every time you have sex you reduce your life expectancy by one day. Is this true?

No. I know (in varying degrees of intimacy) a number of people who would have been dead years ago if this was the case. Regular, healthy sex is one of the most effective ways to extend your life expectancy. Sex is a damned sight more useful than vitamin supplements and far more fun than jogging. If TV bosses replaced nauseatingly twee and patronising health and fitness programmes with thrust and pump movies the nation would be infinitely healthier.

Guns And Goosepimples

Why is it that newsagents stock gun, shooting and hunting magazines where children can see them but stock magazines containing pictures of naked women on the top shelves? Surely violence is more of a threat to society than nudity? We live in a society (and have a government) which condones violence but has an unhealthy and hypocritical attitude towards anything to do with sex. I too find gun and hunting magazines a zillion times more offensive and threatening than publications containing pictures of people wearing only smiles and goosepimples.

Always Afraid

I have always been a weak and easily frightened individual and things never seem to get any better. I have a wonderful, loving husband and we have our own home. We even have a small nest egg in the building society. I should feel comfortable and content. But I am not. I am always afraid.

Before you conquer your fears you must know exactly what you are afraid of. Only when you have identified and defined your worst anxieties can you begin to tame them. Write down the five things you are most afraid of. Let's say that your list includes: death, illness, pain, poverty and loneliness. Those are five pretty heavy duty fears. Now, for each one ask yourself how likely it is that the fear is going to turn into reality in the near or foreseeable future. And ask yourself what you can realistically do to prevent that fear becoming reality. Having indulged your fears, make a list of the five things you would most like to happen in your life. And for each one ask yourself what you can do to improve your chances of seeing your hopes turn into reality.

I Can Resist Anything Except Temptation

I am several stones overweight. I know my excess weight is damaging my health but every time I try to diet I fail because I can't resist eating cakes. How can I deal with this problem?

A friend of mine once admitted that he could resist almost any thing except temptation. Maybe you should avoid temptation by not buying or looking at cakes. And every time you are tempted to eat a cake remind yourself that the doughnut/chocolate cake/eclair or whatever it is will eventually kill you just as surely as a bullet would.

Husband In The Wardrobe

When my husband found out that I was having an affair he didn't react as I had expected. Instead of being jealous, angry or upset he was desperate to find out more. He made me tell him everything my lover and I had done together. Now he wants me to take other lovers - as long as I tell him everything that happens. He even wants to hide in our wardrobe and secretly watch me making love.

As a highly trained professional observer of human frailties I can tell you that your husband harbours deep seated homosexual inclinations which he is unprepared to acknowledge on a conscious level. He is having sex with men through you and at the same time punishing himself and expiating his guilt. Translated into the vernacular this means that your old man is a kinky bastard who gets his rocks off watching you sucking and screwing your way through the local male population. You can minimise the more obvious physical hazards by buying condoms wholesale - and using them. The possible mental and emotional consequences of your new lifestyle are legion but there are no rules which say that your relationship with your husband will not thrive under these unusual circumstances.

Slow In Coming

My wife has difficulty in reaching an orgasm through sex. Is this normal? Yes. Most woman are unable to come through intercourse alone. Stimulate her clitoris with your fingers to take her thrillwards. If you aren't sure how or where to touch her ask her to show you.

My Friends Think I Am Gay

My girlfriend persuaded me to wear red nail varnish for a joke at a party. I just thought that people would laugh but now all my friends think I'm gay, my parents aren't speaking to me and my boss (who found out when a 'friend' told him) has made it clear that my chances of going up the promotion ladder have disappeared and I've slithered down a long snake back to where I was two years ago.

Why on earth are you worried about what such dull, humour less, narrow minded, bigoted individuals think of you? Your friends are clearly uncertain of their own sexuality and frightened by what they subconsciously suspect may be their own suppressed homosexuality. Your boss is behaving like a tyrant and your parents are just miserable bastards. Find new friends, look for a new job and, until your parents start behaving like grown ups, ignore them and replace them with a pair of painted garden gnomes.

Bonking In Aeroplanes

My girlfriend and I want to make love in an aeroplane but we're not sure how to do it.

Unless you're on a long haul flight where the lights are turned out and passengers are issued with blankets the loo is the best place for you. There are two positions recommended by the British Association for Bonking in Aeroplanes (BABA): either she sits on the edge of the washbasin or he sits on the loo seat. Regulations limit passengers to one orgasm each per flight. Take the smiles off your faces before leaving the loo and return to your seats separately. Please hand used condoms to the stewardess for disposal. Bonk Airways, which regularly flies between Cloud Nine and Never Never Land, has this week denied rumours that single men and women will soon be able to use bonus points to hire an appropriate member of the cabin crew as a partner.

A Bad Lover Always Blames His Tool

My boyfriend isn't very good at sex. He blames the size and shape of his penis but I've had boyfriends with smaller penises who were better lovers.

A bad lover always blames his tool.

Terrified

I heard a few weeks ago about a nurse performing an operation on a patient. I am due to go into hospital and now I'm terrified that the same thing will happen to me. How can I be sure it won't.

I don't think you should worry. It is not at all uncommon for thea- tre sisters to perform operations. Indeed, it is not even unknown for technicians and theatre instrument salesmen to perform surgical operations. But who would you rather have operating on you - an experienced theatre sister who has assisted at, watched (and probably helped perform) thousands of operations or a young, raw doctor who may never have performed an operation before? When I performed my first operation I was lucky enough to have my hand held by an excellent theatre sister with bags of experience. I forgot everything I'd been taught when I found myself staring down into the wound I'd made. Using a sharp knife to cut a huge hole in a human being one hasn't even been introduced to properly is a bizarre experience. I felt impertinent and intrusive and lost 4 gallons in sweat in 37 seconds. (This is, I believe, still a world record.) The theatre sister talked me through what I had to do and (literally) held the hand that held the knife.

Pierced Labia

I'm thinking of having my labia pierced. What do you think?

Think again. I know of one young woman who had her labia pierced and was very proud of her ability to wear jewellery in a place where only a chosen few would see it. All went well until she started a relationship with a man who was as enthusiastic about body piercing as she was. He had a ring through his foreskin. One Saturday evening the inevitable happened. His foreskin ring became entangled with one of her labia rings. The two pieces of metal were connected together like one of those metal ring tricks that fall out of Christmas crackers. The embarrassed couple had to visit the casualty department of a local hospital to be disconnected.

Planning To Marry

My girlfriend and I plan to marry. Recently my girlfriend confided in me that her fantasy is to make love to two men at the same time. I am happy about this. She now wants me to tell her my fantasy. The trouble is that it is a bit unusual. I want to go to bed wearing a nappy and plastic pants and to have a plastic sheet on my bed. Am I the only person to have this fantasy? I am frightened to tell my girlfriend in case she runs a mile. And where would I buy adult size nappies?

Your fantasy is not at all unusual. Unreliable research shows that 34.67% of all accountants have the same urge - a yearning shared by a large proportion of the population of Swindon. I suggest that you ask your newsagent to order you a copy of a magazine called Fetish Times. It is packed with information and advertisements intended to help individuals who have fantasies and fetishes not easily catered for by Marks and Spencer.

I Want More Oral Sex

I want my husband to perform oral sex on me more often - I really enjoy it and it always makes me come. I suspect he'd be more willing if I performed oral sex on him. The snag is that I've never done it and I'm not really sure what to do.

Remember the words of the Prophet Nigel: 'She That Giveth Head Shall Be Twice Blessed For She Shalt Also Receiveth, And If She Swalloweth Then She Shalt Be Thrice Blessed For The Zinc In His Come Will Maketh Her Tits Groweth' (Book of Nigel 1.43). I don't always agree with everything the Prophet Nigel said (and sometimes he talked a load of old cobblers) but if you want your hubby to go down on you more often it might be a good idea to give his lolly a bit of a licking occasionally. Incidentally, a recent survey showed that most Greek men give and receive oral sex every day. This may explain why most of their buildings are in ruins and their economy is in such a mess.

Low Cut Dresses And High Heeled Shoes

I am 37 but am told that I have quite a good figure. I like wearing short skirts when I go out but recently a friend told me that I should start dressing a little more in keeping with my age. I found this advice extremely depressing. What do you think?

I suspect that your friend's husband has probably been peeking and your friend doesn't like it. I am completely in favour of women (of all ages) wearing short skirts, low cut dresses, tight jumpers and high heeled shoes. If attending church or legal proceedings in which you are an interested party try to make sure that the bottom edge of your skirt is within hailing distance of the top edge of your stockings. This will give the vicar/judge a chance to concentrate on the proceedings and will give you an air of (I hope spurious) respectability. The concept of behaving your age is a gloomy one. The big advantage of growing old is that you can blame all strange behaviour on the onset of senile dementia.

Flabby Thighs

My wife and I have been married for twelve years. When we married she had a terrific figure - great breasts and a gorgeous little bum. But she's put on a lot of weight in the last few years and when we make love I feel as though I'm bobbing about on an overfilled air bed. She has very flabby thighs and is beginning to look her age. She doesn't bother with her hair and hardly ever wears make up. She invariably wears the same dowdy old pinafore over a pair of grubby jeans and a shapeless jumper. I find it difficult to get sexually aroused by her these days. My father was West Indian and my mother was Chinese and consequently although I usually wear rather loud, brightly coloured clothes I make sure that they are always freshly laundered and I try to look my best.

Just in case you're managing to kid yourself that you're still the hunk you were when you married I suggest that you remove your freshly laundered, fluorescent flares, strip off your Y fronts, stand in front of a full length mirror (preferably one in your own home rather than a local store) and examine the merchandise you're currently offering. Take a long, hard, critical look at yourself and I suspect that you will spot more than a few signs to show that the years are taking their toll: a grey hair here, a wrinkle there, a varicose vein or two and a perhaps a few unwanted pounds of fat as well. If your wife has let herself go a little then maybe it is because she finds the idea of you dumping your liver spotted, crumbly carcase on top of her and parking your battered old family saloon in her spacious garage about as much of a turn on as the prospect of watching a video of Greatest Political Speeches of the 1990s. Maybe your sex life would improve if you made a little effort to let your wife know that you love her and regard her as a sex goddess rather than a dishwasher on legs. How long is it since you bought her flowers, sexy lingerie, a new dress and a candlelit dinner? I have a strong suspicion that you're probably the sort of berk who buys his wife kitchen equipment for her birthdays and then wonders why the only blow job he ever gets is when he's washed his hair.

Tell The Truth

I left my last job because of constant teasing over my sexuality. (I am bisexual). But now when I go for job interviews I can't own up to the real reason why I quit. I am sure that this works against me. What can I say?

Why not simply tell the truth? Your sexual preferences should have no influence upon your employability (though I suppose that someone who insisted on turning up for work dressed in spike studded skin tight black leather might find it difficult to get appointed as a traffic warden). If a prospective employer is kind and broadminded telling the truth will probably help you get the job. If the truth means that you don't get a job then you would have probably been unhappy working there anyway.

Sharing A Flat With Two Lesbians

Is homosexuality catching? My daughter is sharing a flat with two lesbians and I am afraid that she may become one too.

According to white coated boffins at the Medical Research Au- thority's Lesbian Unit at the University of Barnstaple your daughter will be safe as long as her knickers don't go into the washing machine with those belonging to her flatmates. I suggest that you persuade one of those cretin-heavy day time TV programmes to deal with this important threat to the fabric of our society.

Why Surgeons Wear Masks

Why do surgeons always wear masks?

The official explanation is that the mask is there to stop germs from the surgeon's mouth contaminating the patient's wound. But the real reason is to prevent the surgeon being recognised by the patient afterwards if things go wrong.

Abandon Your Inhibitions

I am a 19 year old girl. I have learned to give myself an orgasm by masturbating. But I am quite unable to have an orgasm during intercourse.

Try fantasising before and during sex. Abandon all your inhibi- tions, lower the barriers of your mind and allow a variety of dirty thoughts to tip toe through your cortex. Guilt does not exist in the Peoples' Republic of Fantasyland so you can enjoy your wildest dreams without your conscience interfering. If you have difficulty in thinking up any really erotic scenarios ask your partner to tell you some of his dirtiest fantasies (though you must remember that they are only fantasies!).

Feeling A Bit Miserable

My husband had an affair a few months ago and although he has promised not to see the woman again I have been feeling a bit miserable for several weeks now. My doctor agrees with me that I am not depressed or ill but my doctor wants me to take pills. I am rather fed up and my doctor says the pills will help me forget.

Hiring someone to beat you over the head with a pine tree would help you forget. Sawing off your limbs with one of those little plastic knives they give away with airline meals would help you forget. Swallowing 5,000 litres of rubbing alcohol would help you forget. And taking pills will probably help you forget too. But none of these are courses of action which I would recommend with any enthusiasm under the circumstances which you describe. It is my belief that in a crisis (whether it be financial, physical or emotional) you need every brain cell to be in tip top working condition. Drugs will merely make you numb so that you aren't aware of the emotional pain. When (or if) you stop the drugs then that emotional pain will return and you will still have to face your problems. Please talk to your husband. And share your anxieties and fears with your friends. Don't be afraid to weep. If you let the sorrow escape you will make room for happiness to return.

Keep The Cat And Give Away The Baby

I have a cat and recently had a baby. My friend tells me that I should give her the cat because it might lie on the baby and smother it.

I have never heard of a cat smothering a baby though they do rather like lying on top of anything warm, soft and squashy and babies do fit into that general category. However, I suggest you keep the cat and get your friend to take the baby. The cat will give you years of delight and companionship. The baby will grow up first into a demanding, whining child and then into a moaning, sulky, obnoxious teenager.

I'm Having An Affair With My Husband's Secretary

I am a 38 year old woman. For two months I've been having an affair with my husband's 25 year old secretary. I had spoken to her on the telephone quite often and we met one day when I had to pick up some documents from my husbands office. Because it was lunchtime I invited her out to a meal. A week later, while my husband was away on business, she invited me round to her flat for the evening. She cooked a wonderful meal, we drank a bottle of wine and we ended up in bed together. It is my first lesbian affair but she has been a lesbian since she was 19. The sex is sensational. My new lover knows exactly how to turn me on. I do not feel any disloyalty towards my husband since our marriage has been one of convenience for many years. He and I haven't made love for ages and I know he has other women when he's away from home. We have no children but stay together because his boss disapproves of divorce. All he asks is that I play the dutiful wife at company dinners and so on. My new lover says she loves me but insists that we should just carry on as we are. She is very practical and points out that if we set up home together she would almost certainly lose her job whereas if we say nothing she can keep her job and I can keep my (quite generous) allowance from my husband. He spends two weeks a month away from home so my new lover and I have plenty of opportunities to be together.

Since you and your husband have, for some time, regarded your marriage as one of convenience rather than love your girlfriend's extremely practical way of looking at things makes a good deal of sense. If you tell your husband what is going on he will probably feel humiliated and devastated. He may lose his job. Your girlfriend will probably lose her job. Your life, your husband's life and your girlfriend's life will be turned upside down and inside out. You could end up struggling to make ends meet in a squalid bedsit. There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth and a good deal of rubbing of hands by pustular lawyers sniffing a few good lawsuits. On the other hand, if you remain discreet then the three of you can carry on enjoying your lives.

Offered A New Job

I have been offered a new job. I am worried because it entails quite a lot of responsibility and I am not sure that I will be able to cope. My present job, which I have been doing for three years, is not particularly demanding. I can do it without too much effort. Do you think I should take the risk?

If you don't take any risks then you won't ever make any mistakes. But you will end up with an attic full of regrets. And when you're old, grey and doubly incontinent you will be heard constantly repeating that awful phrase: 'I wonder what would have happened if...'. Only you can decide how to use your life. But just remember: you won't get another chance at the funfair of life. If you don't try everything now when the gates close and the rides shut down you'll be left clutching a useless fistful of unused tickets.

Going Away To School But Not Yet Weaned

My seven year old son is going away to prep school two hundred miles away. My problem is that he has not yet been completely weaned. He does eat some solids but still likes my milk once or twice a day. What should I do?

Weaning is something of a priority. Alternatively, I suggest that you either take a room very near the school or cut out the night feeds. I did once know a woman who was still breast feeding her son when he reached the age of fourteen. This only became a real problem when he was selected for an under 15 rugby team that was booked on a tour of Holland. A doctor and the headmaster eventually persuaded the enthusiastic mum to abandon her plans to travel with the party. They were, I believe, genuinely concerned that she would rush out onto the field at half time, breast at the ready, alongside the man carrying a plateful of orange segments.

Three Months To Live

Two weeks ago my doctor told me that I have cancer and have only around three months to live. That was, as you can imagine, quite a shock. He also told me that he had known about the cancer for nearly six months but hadn't said anything because he didn't want to worry me. The dominant emotion I now feel is anger. I am absolutely furious that he kept this information from me.

You are right to be angry. I believe that people should be told the truth by doctors. It is your body and your illness and you have a right to decide how - and by whom - you want to be treated. Some doctors still believe that when a patient consults them for advice he is handing them complete responsibility for his health. I think this patronising view is out of date and dangerous. I believe that all patients should take responsibility for their own health. Doctors are there to provide advice and support and to list alternatives and options. Even more important than this, however, is the fact that unless you know the truth about your condition you cannot possibly fight your illness effectively. The doctor who denies his patient the truth is, either through an overblown sense of personal responsibility or through an unforgivable ignorance of what we now know about the relationship between the mind, the body and illness, denying his patient the chance to use the most powerful weapon any of us has against illness: the mind. The power of the human mind is enormous and I have known numerous patients who have drawn on inner strengths, defied doctors and simply refused to die. You must now try to turn your anger against your doctor into determination to conquer your disease. No doctor has a right to tell a patient that he has 3, 6, 9 or 12 months to live. Such prognoses are not based on any scientific truths and on the rare occasions when they are accurate they are self fulfilling because the patient is so depressed and dispirited by his doctor's gloomy prognostication that he gives up, abandons hope and politely dies on time.

Divorced

My wife and I are getting divorced. I am resigned to the divorce but I will miss the physical aspect of our relationship. I really like sex and am worried that as a single man I may have to rely on masturbation for relief. What are the chances of a divorced man finding a new partner?

A recent survey showed that in the year after divorce the average man has sex with eight and a half women. I'm not sure whether or not this is compulsory but I suggest that you trot down to the chemists and stock up with condoms and energy tablets.

The Truth About Chicken

Is it true that chicken is good for you? I've given up red meat completely. It is a myth that dead chicken is a healthy food. Dead chicken con- tains nearly as much fat and more cholesterol than steak. Dead chicken contains no fibre, no vitamin C and no complex carbohydrates. Chickens are much better for you when they're running around a farmyard going 'cluck, cluck'. If you want to eat a healthy diet avoid meat completely.

My Grandmother Was Infertile

I've heard that my grandmother was infertile. I want to start a family soon and I'm worried that infertility might be a hereditary condition.

It is extremely rare for infertility to be inherited. If you stop and think about it you will realise that this makes sense.

Smallpox

Is it true that smallpox is now very rare?

Smallpox is very rare. Probably extinct. But it's still not as rare as Bigpox. No case of Bigpox has ever been reported.

Early Retirement

My firm has offered me a chance to take early retirement at the age of 55. I am not certain what to do. I'm sure that I could fill my days if I retired but I do enjoy my job very much and I would miss the stimulation and the friends I work with. I just don't feel ready to spend my days pottering around the garden and playing golf.

I suggest you think very carefully indeed before retiring early. I discovered the other day that I am 50. I found this out because I suddenly started to get bombarded with mail from insurance companies telling me how they can make my retirement more enjoyable. It is apparently now normal practice in some areas of employment for people to retire as soon as they hit the half century mark. Well, bugger that. I feel as though I'm just getting into my stride and have absolutely no intention of retiring until I am at least 150. I can well understand why civil servants, traffic wardens, administrators of all varieties, local authority employees and others who have drifted through life without any sense of purpose, direction or meaning might want to retire to a life of bingo, coach trips and dahlia growing. But anyone who understands the meaning of words such as 'fulfilment' and 'job satisfaction' should stoutly resist all talk of early retirement. People who retire early tend to die early too.

Too Skinny

My problem is that I am too skinny. I dread the summer. I would love to have some real curves like other girls. I am fed up of reading about diets. Please tell me how I can put on weight!

You need to disobey most of the rules slimmers follow. But you must still eat healthily. Try a large pasta meal in the evening so that your body doesn't have chance to burn up all the energy you've consumed.

Travel Sickness

My eight year old daughter suffers from travel sickness - particularly when we travel by aeroplane. She takes pills prescribed by our doctor but although these help they don't always stop her being sick.

Here's a little trick you can try. Buy a very large roll of brown paper. Before each trip by air cut a piece of paper from the roll. The paper should be about 24 inches long and 12 inches wide. Fold the paper into a square and seal the two sides with sticky tape. Leave the end of the paper unsealed. Give this to your daughter to keep on her lap. At the end of the journey seal the final side, hide your little surprise package behind a newspaper or magazine and slip it onto one of those little fold up seats that the onboard waitresses use. The waitresses will laugh for hours and be thrilled at the extra excitement you've added to their lives. Alternatively, you can hand the sealed packet to the first customs official you see - just tell him you found it lying around unattended. Admittedly, none of this will help your daughter but it will give you so much fun that you'll probably be quite sad when she grows out of her travel sickness in about two years time.

Lesbian Sex

I am a 22 year old stripper. I work in local pubs and clubs and do shows most evenings. I also do lunchtime shows on Saturdays and Sundays. At one of the pubs where I work the landlord has asked me to do a show with another girl. He wants us to strip off and pretend to have lesbian sex. Then we're supposed to choose one or two members of the audience, take them on stage and perform sex acts with them. There is always quite a good crowd and the landlord says that most weekends we should be able to find at least one bloke who's got a birthday or a wedding anniversary during the coming week. The landlord says we can't have intercourse with them because that would get him shut down but he says that oral sex is OK. I want to make the men wear condoms but the landlord says that condoms will spoil things and that since we're only performing oral sex on them we don't need to bother. I like the taste of semen so I don't mind but do you think it's safe to do it without condoms?

There are over twenty diseases which can be transmitted through sex - and some of these can be transmitted through oral sex. Condoms will provide you with a good degree of protection against most of the nasties and I would certainly recommend that you use them. Maybe you could make putting the condom on part of your act. I think I should warn you that if policemen see you performing oral sex on pub customers they will almost certainly charge you, the landlord, the customers and passing motorists with some offence. They will charge you even if no one complains. The police seem to have forgotten why they were originally hired. They have odd priorities these days and prefer to sit in nice warm pubs deliberately allowing themselves to be offended rather than racing around in the rain catching rapists, burglars or vandals.

When Suspicion Is Good For Business

My wife and I are separated and are planning a divorce. So far our separation has been amicable but my wife's sister insists that she should get a lawyer. What do you think?

Lawyers encourage suspicion and distrust because it is good for business. They do this by explaining all the possibilities and the consequences. There are always possibilities and consequences. It is perfectly true that you may rip off your wife and it is equally true that she may rip you off. But the one certainty is that if you see a lawyer he will rip you both off. There will then be less money left for the two of you to share. And the chances are that under the lawyer's malign influence you will both be encouraged to distrust each other so much that you end up ripping each other off anyway. The other disadvantage of introducing lawyers into what could otherwise be a civilised procedure is that you will probably end up hating one another. I suggest you try to persuade your wife to ignore her interfering old bag of a sister.

Shocked And Embarrassed

I am 23 years old and have never had trouble in bed before. Last Saturday a girl I've been going out with for several weeks finally agreed to go to bed with me. I was shocked and embarrassed when I couldn't get an erection. The funny thing is that I had an erection the next day just thinking about her. What on earth happened - and how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?

Since your equipment is once again working properly there is un- likely to be any structural problem. I suspect that you were so determined to impress that 'nerves' got the better of you. Try to stay relaxed next time you go to bed together (and avoid alcohol) and you will probably find that your equipment performs perfectly well.

Is What We Are Doing Normal?

I went for 17 years without sex. Then I met a man and we fell in love. We are both in our fifties. We have had sex every night and my lover likes to fondle my breasts a lot. He is very gentle and I enjoy him touching me but my husband never used to touch me in that way at all. Is what we are doing normal?

Yes, it's perfectly normal. Anything two people do to or with one another through love, and which they both enjoy and feel comfortable with, is perfectly normal and healthy. Let the breast fondling continue!

Toothache

What is the best emergency treatment for toothache?

Ring your dentist and make an appointment. The pain will start to disappear almost immediately.

Is There Anything Wrong With This?

My boyfriend and I both enjoy watching one another masturbate. Is this there anything wrong with this?

There is nothing immoral, unethical, unhealthy or even illegal about the practice you describe. It is called 'bilateral voyeuristic onanism' and politicians do it assiduously at every possible opportunity. They've given up trying to run the country and can now accurately be described as just a big bunch of wankers.

Quite Naked

On an unexpectedly sunny day just before Easter my husband and I stopped our car and went for a walk in what seemed to be a deserted nature reserve. We both felt very romantic and since there didn't seem to be anybody around we got rather carried away. My clothes (including my bra and panties) ended up decorating a small bush and within minutes I was quite naked. Moments later I was astride my husband. The warmth of the sun and the sheer naughtiness of it all enabled me to have a spectacular climax. Afterwards as we walked back along the track leading to our car we passed a large party of bird watchers - all equipped with binoculars. They grinned at us and I knew from the way they looked at me that they had been watching everything. I felt guilty but excited and the memory of it still thrills me.

I wonder if the Great Tit watchers put you down in their little note books and if they did how they described you. 'A pair of pink breasted non flying, featherless Bustards. Cock (Lesser Titted) with bald spot, clearly visible curly tuft and perceptible grin and hen (Greater Titted) with exquisitely rounded, bouncy, chest protuberances and curly tuft. Cock and hen were seen mating in woodland. The hen's mating cries ('Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Now. Now. Oh yes. I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh yes. Oh. Oh that was wonderful.) clearly audible at 200 yards and accompanied by the rhythmic grunting of the male.' You'll probably find yourself listed as a protected species in 'Birds of Europe' next year and if you're really lucky you'll be a 50 point bonus in 'I Spy in the Countryside.' If you're tempted to repeat your adventure be careful: if you feel a birdwatcher's hot breath on your neck or hear a matched pair whispering through the undergrowth I suggest that you slip your knickers back on pretty sharpish and get yourself an agent.

A Roving Eye

My husband has always had a roving eye. I thought it would stop as he got older but if anything it's getting worse. Whenever we go out together he always looks at other women. He pretends he's looking at cars or shop windows but I KNOW he's looking at women. I don't think he's ever unfaithful to me but how can I stop him looking?

Don't you ever like looking at gorgeous stuff you know you can't ever have? Dresses? Shoes? Kitchens? Men look at boobs and bums in the same way that women admire frocks and kitchen cupboards. The only way you can stop a normal, healthy male from looking at women is to keep him indoors in a darkened room with the curtains firmly shut. Any man who claims he never looks at passing breasts, bottoms or legs is either a liar or heavily drugged. This is something men start to do at the age of about six. They don't stop until the doctor packs away his stethoscope, puts on his serious 'I'm sorry to have to tell you this' look and recommends a reliable local undertaker. When the feasting of the eyes is clearly lascivious or lustful and seems likely to lead to more than mere visual delight then the anger may be justified but when the intention is innocent it seems to me dangerous to object for this is likely to lead to secrecy and furtiveness. Window shopping is only hazardous when it turns into compulsive buying. Instead of nagging your poor husband, and making him feel guilty about a perfectly normal and healthy activity, I suggest that you try to make him feel a little more comfortable with his urges. Next time a particularly fine bust bobbles into view murmur something like: 'Due East, 50 yards, yellow sweater, well worth a peep!'.

Seen With Another Woman

A friend recently told me that she had seen my husband with another woman. When I confronted him he admitted that he'd had coffee with a woman but insisted that she was just an old school friend and that he wasn't having an affair with her. Should I trust him?

If you have nothing to worry you other than a friend's malice you should certainly trust your husband. Why on earth shouldn't he talk to other women - or even drink coffee with them occasionally! It is very easy to create rumours and evil sounding gossip. For example, what would you think if someone told you that she'd seen your husband, semi naked, alone with several other semi naked men and women? Would you visualise pictures of an orgy or just realise that your husband had been having a swim at the local pool?

Sharing A Bed

A few weeks ago a mate and I went away to watch a football match together. We missed our train home and had to find a hotel. We couldn't get single rooms but had to share a bed. We had a few drinks at the hotel bar and when we went to bed we had sex together. It wasn't planned. It was a first for us both but I really enjoyed it. I still care for my girlfriend. Should I tell her that I have had sex with my best mate? Before you do or say anything else I suggest you do some serious thinking. Was this an isolated one off adventure or did you find it so much better than heterosexual sex that you now want to abandon heterosexual sex completely? Do you think that you and your best mate are likely to have sex together again? Would you now describe yourself as homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual? Do you want to tell your girlfriend what happened because you want to share the details of this sexual adventure with her? Or do you want to tell her because you think you have fallen in love with your best mate and this is your way of telling her that you don't want to see her any more? When you've finished asking yourself all these questions remind yourself that condoms are just as essential for homosexual loving as they are for heterosexual sex.

A Fetish For Girdles

I am a young man but I have a fetish for old fashioned ladies girdles. I have fought against the urge to wear one of these for some time but recently I lost the battle. I was standing outside a shop which had girdles in the window when a lady came out from inside and took my hand. She led me into the shop and said that she could see that I was interested in the girdles. I was embarrassed and tried to leave but she grabbed my hand and put a tape measure round my waist. Within minutes I was wearing a girdle and stockings. I really enjoyed it. The lady in the shop wants me to wear girdles for her regularly. I worry that I may be blackmailed if I don't do what she wants. What should I do?

You have to balance the upside against the downside. The upside is that you have a found a way to fulfil your fantasy without hurting anyone - and you have found a woman who is prepared to enjoy your fantasy with you. That sounds pretty good. The downside is that you may end up being embarrassed or losing your job if your secret gets out. Only you can decide how bad that would be. Surprisingly large numbers of women do enjoy helping men to wear women's clothes. A couple of decades ago women celebrated their liberation from sexual slavery by burning their bras. Now men are celebrating THEIR liberation by wearing bras, girdles and suspender belts.

The Most Beautiful Girl I Have Ever Seen

Last week I went out with a girl I have fancied for weeks. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has a wonderful figure, exquisite hair and a gorgeous smile. She also has a lovely personality. I was quite shocked when, at the end of the evening, she invited me back to her flat and made it very clear that she was prepared to go to bed with me. I was disgusted and left as soon as I'd drunk the cup of coffee she had made and now I don't know what to do. I still find her extremely attractive but I cannot get over the fact that she was prepared to go to bed with me on a first date. I now have a strong suspicion that she may have gone to bed with other boyfriends.

I'm not sure whether you are pissed off because you realise that the girl of your dreams has been messing around in other peoples dreams, upset that a girl you had put on a pedestal turns out to prefer a bed or, like many feeble and sexually uncertain males, totally unable to cope with a woman who makes the first move. You seem to be a rather obnoxious, ungrateful little prig, more suited to train spotting than taking out good looking girls and I think it is probably fairly safe to assume that the girl who threatened your virtue was just teasing. No shapely, good looking girl could possibly want to go to bed with a dickhead like you.

Send Him Round To Me

My husband and I are in our forties. We've always had a good sex life but these days I just cannot keep up with him. I was discussing this with a widowed friend and she immediately said: 'send him round to me.' Although I was rather taken aback at her remark I have since thought about taking up her offer. What do you think?

Have you mentioned this to your husband? Or are you just as- suming that he will jump at the chance of a little guiltless extracurricular nookie? Assuming that your friend is free of infection the biggest danger is that if you send your husband out to play he may not come home. I know of many couples who have done exactly what you are thinking of doing. And the evidence suggests that one into two does go and can make three very happy. But I suggest you think about this very carefully.

Could My Wife Be Having An Affair?

Eight years ago I had a vasectomy. My wife didn't want any children and a vasectomy seemed safer and generally more convenient than any other form of contraception. Two years ago I got divorced. After six months of playing around I met and married a woman who already had two children but who desperately wanted a third by me. I didn't tell her about my vasectomy because I didn't want to disappoint her. We had sex twice a day to increase her chances of getting pregnant and although I knew it wasn't possible I enjoyed the sex and didn't regard the deception as a very serious one. Then, last week, my wife told me that her doctor had confirmed that she has at last become pregnant. I don't know what to do or think. Is it possible that my vasectomy has reversed itself? Or could my wife be having an affair? The latter seems extremely unlikely since we have a very loving and trusting relationship.

The word 'trusting' seems a trifle out of place here. You deceived your wife by not telling her that you had had a vasectomy. And now you're in a large, black hole that you've dug for yourself. Your wife presumably trusted you to tell her the truth because you managed to convince her that you are a trustworthy, honest and loving individual. Could it not be possible that your wife has been equally successful in pulling the wool over your eyes? Maybe she has been bonking herself senseless with every available male in town - comforted by the thought that you and she have been having so much sex that if she got pregnant you would have no way of knowing whether or not the child was yours. It is, of course, possible that your vasectomy has failed and that you are the father. The odds are against this happening but the odds are against anyone winning the big prize in the lottery and yet people do. And it is possible that your wife is giving birth to the new Messiah; though once again the odds in favour of this possibility are not strongly in your favour. My own feeling is that the only hope for your marriage is for you to be honest. I realise that you might find this proposal rather startling in its concept but as you have discovered deceit does not provide a sound foundation for a long term relationship.

No One Ever Smiles

Why are hospitals such depressing places? My mother has been in hospital for several weeks and I feel really miserable the moment I set foot in the place. The walls are painted a horrible colour and everywhere smells of a pungent mixture of urine and disinfectant. No one ever smiles and flowers are banned because an administrator has apparently ruled that they are 'untidy'. Surely patients would benefit if hospitals looked more cheerful?

There is plenty of evidence available now to show that people who are feeling ill suffer far less pain and get better much quicker if they are made to smile and laugh. I'm surprised that the accountants in suits who are now in charge of the world haven't realised that brightening up hospitals and making them into more cheerful places would dramatically improve productivity. In an ideal hospital administrators would be forced to walk round wearing clown costumes and throwing custard pies at one another; wards would be staffed by topless nurses (of both sexes); walls would be painted bright colours; there would be flowers everywhere and day rooms would be equipped with video recorders so that patients could watch classic comedy videos all day long. The only problem would be that no one would ever want to go home.

She Slid Her Hand Up My Thigh

I work in an office full of women. My boss, who is a woman, constantly embarrasses me. She frequently asks me about my sex life and is always putting her hands on me. Today she squeezed my bum and yesterday she slid her hand up my thigh and deliberately gave me an erection. I'm frightened of complaining to the management in case I lose my job.

Next time your boss fondles you in front of a room full of people whisper the following in her ear: 'Unless you move your hand in five seconds I'm going to squeeze your tits, pull up your skirt, and bend you over my desk.' I give you ten to one in fivers that she will blush and scurry back to her office before you can say 'prick-teaser'.

I Blushed But Felt Randy

My husband was made redundant a year and a half ago and the only work he was able to find was over 150 miles away. Since he took the job he has stayed in a bedsitting room for the working week and come home at weekends. Seven months ago we decided to put our house on the market to find somewhere closer to his work. The estate agent came to look around our house on a Monday and so I was on my own. I was doing my housework in my undies and so I grabbed a negligee which doesn't fasten at the front. I was doing some ironing at the time and the kitchen was full of my underwear. The estate agent, who was only around 25 years old, made some very complimentary remarks about my taste in lingerie which made me blush but feel quite randy. I showed him around the house so that he could measure the rooms and I helped by holding the other end of his tape measure. When we got to our bedroom we both had to squeeze into the shower-room so that we could do the measuring and with his body pressed against mine it wasn't difficult to tell that shower fitments weren't the only thing on his mind. Before I knew what was happening I found that he was kissing me. We made love twice that afternoon and he came round every day that week to do more 'measuring'. Our house has now been on the market for several months but the estate agent still hasn't brought round any prospective buyers. He visits several times a week but always comes alone. Since no potential buyers have visited the house it is not surprising that we have had no offers for it. My husband has now suggested that we ought to reduce the price in order to attract a buyer. I am reluctant to do this because I realise that we may well be able to sell the house at the original price if the estate agent makes a genuine effort to sell it. But I can hardly explain this to my husband. What do you think I should do?

Your experience is by no means an unusual one. An entirely un- reliable survey showed that 72.45% of estate agents have had daytime sex with one or more clients. In the current droopy market it seems that taking down more than a client's particulars is frequently considered to be the only perk that makes the whole miserable exercise worthwhile. 'Measuring up' has become in-house jargon for assessing the likelihood of a client making his or her fixtures and fittings available, and when an estate agent talks about 'making an offer' it has nothing to do with the house. Since you have not asked for my views on your infidelity I will not offer any. But mixing business with pleasure is always hazardous. I suggest that you ask your estate agent lover to bring a colleague and a customer with him next time. You and he can demonstrate the bedsprings and the practicality of the fitted work surfaces in the kitchen while the colleague tries to sell your house.

Am I Being Unreasonable?

I share a flat with two girls and my boyfriend shares a nearby flat with two guys. When my boyfriend stays the night he always walks around the next morning wearing either just a very small towel or a tiny pair of briefs. When I asked him to put on a pair of trousers he laughed and asked me if I was jealous. I don't think it is jealousy - there are no signs that he fancies my flatmates and I'm pretty sure they don't fancy him - but I just don't like him behaving like this. He is quick enough to object if he thinks I'm wearing a skirt that is too short or a top that is too revealing. Do you think I am unreasonable in objecting to his behaviour?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your boyfriend is clearly a bit of an exhibitionist. Maybe you could help him realise how you feel by returning the compliment. Next time you stay at his flat wander around in your panties and bra. If that doesn't produce any reaction try leaving the bra off.

A Large Dildo For Christmas

I bought my girlfriend a large dildo for Christmas. She has now started 'wearing' it every day. She puts it inside and keeps it in place with her panties. She say that by contracting her vaginal muscles she can have tremendous orgasms whenever she wants. She works in a bank and if I pop in during opening hours I can tell by the look in her eyes that she's having another quick one.

Next time I visit a bank I shall study the female tellers with greatly enhanced interest - looking for any with a 'far-away' look. Trying to spot the teller with the dildo will make queuing a positive pleasure. It's nice to know that dreamy eyed bank clerks have more to get excited about than deposits, withdrawals and standing orders.

I'm Overweight But Love Sex

I take a size 22 dress and I know that I am considerably overweight but I love sex. I love sex so much that I recently persuaded my husband that we should join a local partner-swapping club. Unfortunately, after we had plucked up courage to get in touch we were 'turned down'. We were told that they didn't have room for any new members but I know that this is a lie and I suspect that my weight is the real reason we were rejected. Both my husband and I think this is very short sighted of these so called 'swingers'. Fat women can make fantastic lovers. I have huge breasts which my husband uses to wrap around his penis and he and several other lovers have told me that I am better at oral sex than any other woman they've ever met. Please tell your readers that fat women can be just as good at sex as thin women.

I am surprised that you came across such blatant and narrow minded discrimination. The truth is that in many societies plump women are far more highly prized than skinny ones. Maybe you should consider moving to another area. In many parts of Africa and throughout the English Midlands having a wife with abundant buttocks and pendulous breasts is regarded as something of a status symbol, rather like owning a Mercedes or having a piano in the front room. In Africa I believe that men favour plump wives because of the hardness of hut floors and the absence of interior sprung mattresses. In the Midlands, however, there are (so I am told) plenty of interior sprung mattresses and the popularity of fat women can only be explained by the fact that many men regard plumpness as a physical virtue.

Cold Showers

My boyfriend always has a cold shower before making love to me. I was surprised when he first did this because I had always understood that cold showers reduce sexual enthusiasm but in fact the opposite seems to happen with him. Have you heard of this before?

It is a myth that cold showers dampen sexual desire. They do just the opposite: the cold water kickstarts the body and improves blood circulation. All those dull school masters, intellectually deprived P.E. teachers and nude kneed boy scout troop organisers who make their young charges file through cold showers in the belief that they are cooling unwanted sexual ardour are doing exactly the opposite and making sure that randy young kids will grow up to be randy old goats. It is quite comforting to realise that thousands of prim and proper guardians of moral righteousness have made a dramatic contribution to the nation's passion for one-on-one gymnastics.

Waking With An Erection

I often wake up with an erection. Sometimes I know I've had a sexy dream. But this isn't always the case. Are there any other explanations?

One theory is that erections develop to stop the leakage of urine - and prevent a wet bed. Another theory is that blood flows into the penis to give it a night-time feed of oxygen and food. A limp penis is poorly oxygenated. A firm penis - full of blood - will be in tip top condition. I prefer this second theory. It is a great excuse for encouraging your partner to provide the stimulation necessary to develop a plentiful supply of erections. Exercise is healthy; just tell your lady that if she lets her fingers do their walking in the right direction she may be able to give your mutual friend the fingertip kiss of life.

I Needed Help

I recently went to see a doctor because I have been frightened that I might hurt one of my three children. I just don't feel that I can cope any more. My husband left me six months ago and we live in a tiny, damp flat. On several occasions I have felt tempted to beat one of the children for no real reason at all. I realised that I needed help. But apart from giving me tranquillisers (which I confess I have not taken) the doctor wasn't much help. On the contrary, after I had left his surgery I received visits from the social workers and the police who are now making my life even more difficult. I thought that doctors were supposed to regard conversations with patients as confidential.

I have always believed that confidentiality is a vital foundation stone for the relationship between doctors and patients. And I believe that there cannot be exceptions. You can't be a 'bit' confidential any more than you can be a 'bit' pregnant. And you can't choose which confessions to regard as secret. Sadly, many doctors don't share my view. There are thousands of medical practitioners who seem to feel that their duty to society transcends their duty to the individual. And there are far too many doctors who are prepared to share their patients' secrets with blabbermouth social workers and even the police. I am sorry that your doctor betrayed your confidence and trust. These days my advice to any patient contemplating sharing delicate, personal information with a doctor has to be to think twice. Unless you know and trust a doctor completely you should be careful about what you tell him (or her).

I Have Always Liked Large Women

I have always liked large women. I've always fantasised about large women and all the girls I went out with as a boy were on the big side. When I married my wife she had large breasts, large thighs and a large bottom. She wore a size 26 dress and a 44GG bra. Recently, however, my wife has decided that she wants to lose weight. She has joined an aerobics class and started dieting and has announced that it is her intention to be able to fit into a size 14 dress by the end of the year. I am very upset about this. I do not get turned on by skinny women. How can I convince my wife that she should stay as she is?

Life is a constant series of disappointments to us all but it must be a real pisser to marry the girl of your dreams only to have to watch her melt away before your very eyes. My best suggestion is that you talk nicely to your wife and try to reach some sort of compromise arrangement. Maybe the two of you could agree on a half way size that would go some of the way towards satisfying both of your requirements: your wife could wear more fashionable clothes and fit into aeroplane seats and you could still get a thrill from looking at her voluptuous curves. Alternatively, you could simply try to look on the bright side. If your wife loses an appreciable amount of weight then she will probably be healthier and live longer. (I do recognise, however, that since you are clearly committed to spending your days and nights with a bathukolpian woman with hips to match you may not find this much of a consolation.) My only other suggestion is that you buy yourself a large rubber doll and a heavy duty pump and use the latter to over-inflate the former. You can then stick your ideal woman in a corner and use her as a three dimensional memory aid while your wife is bouncing around at her aerobics class. Finally, I feel it necessary to add a word of caution to your wife: aerobics can be a hazardous business for a woman who wears a 44GG bra - and, indeed, for those who stand within bouncing range.

The Local Library Book

I recently met a man who told me that he knew my wife before I met her. He told me that she was known as the local library book because anyone could take her out for a fortnight and then just pass her onto the next bloke. He said that she had a reputation for always having sex on a first date and that she gave him a blow job within twenty minutes of meeting him. He said he knows at least fourteen other men who had sex with her. He said she had a reputation for having more lovers than most of the local prostitutes.

Even if this man is telling the truth (and the chances are that he is just a jealous and spurned would be lover) you can ignore his story. Why should you worry about what your wife did before you got married? If you love each other and have a good relationship then it surely doesn't matter how many men she went to bed with and whether she went to bed with them individually, collectively or in alphabetical order. Once you start worrying about the past then the present will become a nightmare and you won't have a future.

He Likes Sucking My Breasts

My husband loves sucking my breasts. He started sucking when I was breast feeding. He would suck on one breast while my baby sucked on the other. Now that my son is too old for breast feeding my husband still likes his daily dose of breast milk, which he usually takes after our evening meal. Is this likely to do either of us any harm? I have to admit that I find it quite sexy. I usually get turned on when my husband sucks my breasts.

I get heaps of letters like yours. If sucking breasts was a crime then 78% of the population of Europe would be on the run. It is quite clear that throughout the world there is at least one sucker born every minute. Your pastime is unlikely to do either of you any harm though you may like to consider postponing your evening ritual when attending functions such as the Annual Company Dinner and the Lord Mayor's Banquet.

I Can't Stop Fantasising

I am a married woman in my late twenties. My husband and I have a very good sex life but for several months now I have been unable to stop fantasising. In several of my fantasies I imagine myself having wild, passionate sex with men I know only by sight. For example, I regularly fantasise about having sex in a doorway with a man I see on my train every evening. I know that in real life I would run a mile if a man I didn't know suggested sex. But in my fantasies I don't seem to have any inhibitions.

There wouldn't be much point in having a fantasy in which you kept all your clothes and had sex in the missionary position with a lawyer. The whole fun of having a fantasy is that you can let your mind soar free. Fantasies are for exploring all the hidden desires and forbidden urges which lie beneath the surface; they will help you escape from mystery guilts and suppressed fears. Don't bother trying to work out why you have these fantasies - just enjoy them.

I Dress In Provocative Clothes

I am female, single and in my thirties. I live alone and usually dress and behave quite sensibly and demurely. About a year ago I discovered a new pleasure. I put on a long wig and lots of make up, dress up in very provocative clothes and then go for a walk around our local town centre. I usually do this on a Saturday evening and I get a real thrill from the wolf whistles and shouts of approval my appearance attracts. I have steadily become more and more daring. A week ago I went out in a red PVC skirt, fishnet stockings and suspenders and a tiny, black jacket with no bra underneath. I wore lashings of make-up and four inch heels. The attention I attracted was unbelievable. Many men made suggestions to me. I had my skirt lifted at one point and another man 'accidentally' bumped into me and handled my breast. Two motorists stopped their cars and propositioned me. Tipsy with excitement I unfastened the buttons on my jacket and walked home with my breasts bobbing about quite bare. I am now contemplating going out without bra or panties. I am petrified of being recognised or getting into trouble with the police but I know that I will not be able to resist the temptation. Can I be arrested for dressing provocatively? I don't want to stop being an exhibitionist but I do feel that I perhaps need to control myself.

Being arrested is not your greatest danger. There is a real risk that if you continue exhibiting yourself in this way you will be attacked or raped. I strongly suggest that instead of going out onto the streets dressed in the way you describe you find a 'fetish' club where you can dress up as tartily as you like and enjoy yourself in safety. There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with being an exhibitionist - it sounds as though it is, for you, a valuable expression of a previously hidden part of your personality - but you must be more careful about where, and to whom, you exhibit yourself.

Only Four Inches Long

My penis is only four inches long when fully erect. A friend told me that he had read somewhere that men with small penises should only have sex with short, slim women because they are unlikely to be able to satisfy larger women. Is this true? If so is there a formula which I can use to help find out what sized woman I should go out with?

There is a formula. It has been used by doctors involved in sexual counselling for several years now. But it has never before been published. Start by measuring your own height to the nearest inch. Divide by two and drop any remainder. Then divide the number left by your waist size (also in inches). Multiply that figure (to two decimal places) by the size of your erect penis in inches (to the nearest whole inch) and add your inside leg measurement (in whole inches) to the total. That is what is called your Personal Profile Number. Next, find the height of the woman you are interested in to the nearest inch. Divide by two and discard any remainder. Then divide that number by her bra size. Finally, add one tenth of her hip size in inches (to the nearest whole inch) to the resultant total. That is her Personal Profile Number. Divide your Personal Profile Number by her Personal Profile Number to find your Relationship Quotient. If your Relationship Quotient is greater than 1 you will be able to satisfy her sexually. If your Relationship Quotient is less than 1 your best efforts will be in vain and you should look for another partner. (You may like to take this formula down to the pub and try it out on all your friends. I take no responsibility for anything but mine is a large malt whisky if you're buying.)

A Terrific Sex Life

My boyfriend and I have a terrific sex life but when he has ejaculated he always starts giggling. Is this normal?

Your boyfriend is perfectly normal. A recent survey showed that 56.48% of men between the ages of 18 and 40 have giggled after ejaculating. But normal doesn't make it excusable. Lightly smack his bottom the next time he does it and make him write out 'I must not giggle after ejaculating' on your breasts with a felt tip pen.

Special Relief

I work as a masseuse, sometimes seeing clients at my flat and sometimes visiting them in their hotel rooms. About three months ago a regular male client asked me to give him some special relief. I must be a bit naive but I didn't know what he meant at first. When he had explained I did what he wanted. It wasn't a big deal and I believe it is important to keep the customer satisfied. Afterwards he was very grateful and gave me a huge tip. I didn't want to accept it but he insisted. A few days later another client asked me for special relief and again I obliged. Once again I got a big tip. Now most of my clients seem to expect this extra service - presumably because men have been talking and word has got around. I told a friend what I do and she was disgusted and now doesn't speak to me. Do you think that what I am doing is wrong?

My moral and ethical code is a simple one: you are doing wrong if what you do hurts other innocent people (or animals). Since your clients are all satisfied when they leave you it seems to me that the Queen ought to give you an honour 'for services to the community and disposable paper tissues' in a few years time. I suspect that by then you will have provided more joy than the selected contingent of civil servants, industrialists, celebrities and politicians will have provided between them. Your friend is probably miffed because you get well paid for performing a relatively simple service - so I suggest that you ignore and forget her. If a few big organisations followed your determination to ensure customer satisfaction the world would be a far more contented place.

Every Time I Do This He Gets An Erection

I regularly cut my husband's hair with electric clippers. Every time I do this he gets an erection. Now he wants me to cut his hair every few days. He has hardly any hair left and people are beginning to ask questions.

Take the cutting blade out of the clippers or try cutting the hair other people cannot see (but do take care around the twiddly bits). I am afraid that you may now be committed to cutting your husband's hair for the rest of his life. If for some reason he absolutely must visit a hairdresser remind him to wear baggy trousers and to carry a newspaper.

I Have Tried Hard To Ignore These Feelings

I'm 23, I'm male and I work in a gym. I've recently become extremely attracted to one of the guys who comes to work out. This is an odd feeling for me because I've never had any homosexual feelings before. I've never even seen another man's penis erect. Although I have tried hard to ignore these feelings I find myself fantasising about making love with this man. He seems to like me and I have a very strong suspicion that he is gay. How do I go about finding out whether or not he feels the same way about me as I do about him? I don't even know how two men make love!

Nurture this potential relationship in the same way that you would nurture a potential relationship with a woman. Find something you know he is interested in (classical music, modern art, stock car racing or whatever), tell him you think you can get tickets for a show, concert or meeting and ask him if he'd like to join you. If he says 'no' then you should be able to tell from the way he says it whether he doesn't want to develop the relationship or is simply unable to make that date. If he says 'yes' then you will have to rely on your instincts to know whether the moment when your fingers accidentally touch aroused him, annoyed him or left him quite unmoved. Make sure you have condoms in your pocket in case your friendship turns physical. If things get that far I think you'll find that your hormones and instincts will ensure that you know what to do.

Suspenders, Peep-Hole Bras And Skimpy Panties

While cleaning my boyfriend's flat recently I found some very sexy underwear: a basque, some suspenders and peep-hole bras and a small collection of very skimpy panties. I also found some photographs which made it absolutely clear that the underwear belonged to one of my boyfriend's previous girlfriends - a girl who is now married to a local vicar. I'm not at all jealous but what should I do with the undies? I have to confess that I've never bought or worn underwear like this. I usually buy very practical underwear. My boyfriend is a very serious person and I didn't know he was turned on by this sort of thing.

All men are turned on by sexy underwear. Nuclear scientists, academic theologians and eminent cardiologists are just as susceptible to the sight of a bosom bursting out of three square inches of straining satin as are plumbers, garage mechanics and carpenters. I suggest that you wash your predecessor's abandoned hoard and then try everything on. Keep the stuff that fits (or nearly fits) and give your boyfriend a fashion show that he'll never forget. Put anything that doesn't fit into a plastic bag and take it to the next jumble sale. If the vicar's wife spots it the sight might bring a tender blush of memory to her cheeks. I suggest that you also pop all your practical underwear into the plastic bag and dump that at the jumble sale too. Coleman's 44th Law is that no one should ever buy or wear lingerie that cannot be accurately described as impractical and erotic. Oh, and one final thought: burn the photos you found.

Gymslip, White Blouse And Navy Knickers

My husband likes me to dress up as a schoolgirl when we have sex. I put on a gymslip, white blouse and navy blue knickers, white socks and black shoes. I remove all my make up and tie my hair in pigtails. Sometimes he likes me to wear a netball uniform which I bought at a car boot sale. Luckily I'm quite small and I can easily fit into school-girl sized clothes. When we start our love sessions he takes my hand and puts it into his trousers. I have to pretend to be shocked at what my fingers find. He likes me to pretend to be a virgin every time we make love. I don't mind - in fact I enjoy it because it's fun and our sex life is certainly fantastic. But why does he get so turned on by my dressing and behaving like a schoolgirl? Is it anything to worry about? I've asked him but he says he doesn't know. At first I was worried that he might start messing about with real schoolgirls but I am now absolutely confident that there is no danger of that. He has no interest in real school-girls.

The chances are that your husband's earliest and most dramatic sexual fantasies were based on girls he saw - but never got close to - when he was at school. As a grubby minded school-boy he undoubtedly stood in the rain for hours peering through the school railings and watching teenage school-girls bouncing around playing netball with their skirts tucked into their knickers. He probably then rushed home with a huge erection and got rid of it by masturbating in his bedroom. By dressing up as a school-girl you are resurrecting those exciting, early sexual memories. You and your husband could probably eradicate this sexual predilection in a mere 30 or 40 years of therapy. You would, of course, need to mortgage your house, sell your car and spend every penny you earn on therapy. But why bother? I suggest you carry on enjoying yourselves.

A Yearning To Touch

Every time I see a pretty woman I get a yearning to touch her - particularly if she has any naked skin showing. I know that my boyfriend would be alarmed and horrified if he knew of this. He is very religious and strongly disapproves of any unusual sexual behaviour. Although we have been going out together for two years and get on quite well together he has kissed me just twice and has never touched my breasts. What should I do? Do you think I might be bi-sexual?

First, I suggest that you avoid swimming pools, dressing rooms and department store changing rooms. Second, don't share your secret with your fiance. Religious fanatics with sexual hangups can often become dangerously violent. Most of the world's really hideous crimes are committed by men who are very religious and who strongly disapprove of unusual sexual behaviour. Third, if you decide to succumb to your yearning to touch another woman, do make sure that the object of your desire is willing to be touched. Finally, I suggest that you delay your wedding while you sort out your sexual status. Do you really want to marry someone about whom you can say nothing more emotive than that 'you get on quite well'? Your fiance sounds about as exciting as a stewed prune.

Is This Harmful?

Is it harmful to swallow semen? I enjoy swallowing my own semen after I have ejaculated.

You are unlikely to give yourself any infection that you have not already got and can, therefore, continue with your feasting with relative impunity. Semen is low-fat, low-sodium, caffeine-free, and contains no sugar or preservatives. The International Semen Institute, of which I am proud to be patron, recommends a maximum daily intake of 10 mls.

Sex With Three Men

I am a good looking mother of two in her early 30s. My husband is kind and sensitive and a lovely person. I recently told him about my sexual fantasy of having sex with three men at the same time. He was shocked at first but said that if that was what I wanted he wouldn't stop me as long as it didn't come between us. I went ahead and arranged it through a friend. I was very nervous but extremely excited beforehand. I have never felt so powerful and elated in my life as I did when I had those three men. It was the most exhilarating sexual experience imaginable. I didn't feel dirty or used. It was the best therapy I've ever had and I intend to do it again. I now feel capable of tackling anything. My hemlines have gone higher, my heels are higher and my confidence has soared. I bubble at the thought of how brazen I have been. I know that you - and 99% of your readers - will probably think that I am a slut but surely it makes more sense for a woman to have group sex than for a man to try. Women are much better equipped for coping with several sex partners. Why should other people look down on me for managing to put excitement back into my life.

I don't think you are a slut. In fact I admire you for your honesty and courage. What you do with your body is your business. But you are quite right in thinking that most people would regard you as a tramp if they knew what you had done. Since you clearly intend to continue liberating your sexual self I would suggest that for the sake of your husband and your children you need to be as careful with your reputation and your life as I hope you have been with your health (I assume that you made sure that your three lovers all wore condoms). If you are determined to repeat your adventure you must choose future lovers with great caution - discretion is vital - and you must be sure that the men you use to satisfy your desires will be sure to allow you to remain in control of the situation. Most people suppress their desires and yearnings - particularly those relating to sex - and live what they themselves probably recognise as dull and staid existences partly because they are worried by the possible consequences but mainly because they are too frightened of what other people might say or think to really let themselves go. Because they feel frustrated, angry and guilty with themselves for failing to live their lives to the full they are invariably exceedingly quick to condemn those who do ignore the normal boundaries of social behaviour. Taking three lovers may be physiologically explicable but I doubt if that will be enough to save you (and your family) from a wicked verbal savaging if the secret of your new found confidence becomes public knowledge. Finally, I suggest that you make sure that your husband benefits from your newfound confidence and happiness. His generosity in allowing you to express yourself deserves reward and if you love him then I suggest that you take every opportunity to remind him of this fact.

A Special Tax

Do you agree that since most of the crime in the world is committed by men there should be a special tax - payable only by men - to pay for police and prisons?

No. Most crimes are committed to pay for things women want - new curtains, fitted kitchens, tumble driers, food mixers and built in wardrobes. Most men would happily go through life with one pair of trousers, one shirt, one pair of socks and enough cash for beer and chips every day. If anyone should pay a special tax to pay for crime it should be women.

We Always Have To Use Our Fingers

In porn movies the stars always seem to get their parts to fit together without any help. When my boyfriend and I make love we always have to fiddle around and use our fingers to get his wotsit into my doodah. How do porn stars manage it so easily? I find this difficult to understand because some of the male stars have absolutely enormous wotsits - far bigger than any I've ever seen in real life. Incidentally, is it unusual for a woman to enjoy watching blue movies?

No, it's certainly not unusual for women to enjoy watching porn films. In most areas when women talk about having a 'coffee morning' they really mean that they are all going to sit around and watch dirty movies. The stars in these films use skilled assistants, working off camera, to facilitate penetration. To those working in the industry these highly paid individuals are known as 'toolsetters'. Next time you meet someone who tells you that he or she is a 'toolsetter' you will know how they earn their living.

My Fantasies

I often fantasise about my wife having oral sex with me while having sex with another man. I also fantasise about watching her having sex with the two men she works for. I get a terrific thrill from these fantasies. Do you think I should suggest to my wife that we turn my fantasies into reality? I don't know what she would say but I think I would get a real kick out of watching her have sex with other men.

I think you should be extremely cautious about attempting to turn your harmless and commonplace fantasies into harsh and relatively uncommon reality. If all fantasies were turned into reality the world would be one throbbing, salivating, pulsating, bulging mass of licking, fondling and thrusting. Work would stop in factories and offices from Dover to Inverness while chubby buttocked men in grey underpants and large breasted women in delightfully improbable black lingerie joined together in a sexual conga several hundred miles long. The sensible advice is to suggest that you enjoy your fantasies but keep a net curtain drawn between your fantasy life and reality. On the other hand, who knows, maybe your wife fantasies daily about having sex with other men and would leap at the chance to turn her fantasy into reality. It's a tricky decision. Get it wrong and you could find yourself cleaning spaghetti out of your hair and spending the rest of your life putting up bathroom shelves in penance. And even if you strike lucky the memory of your wife howling with delight as she impales herself on someone else's ten inch pink and purple pleasure post might turn out to be difficult to live with.

They Regard Me As An Outsider

Two years ago I moved to a village in Yorkshire. It's a lovely place to live but the locals still regard me as an outsider. How long do you think it will be before I am considered a 'local'?

The length of time you have to live in an area before you are considered 'local' varies enormously. In major cities you are considered 'local' after three weeks. In towns anyone who speaks the language is regarded as local. In the more remote parts of the countryside newcomers are only considered to be 'local' after 200 years or seven generations (whichever comes sooner).

I Smack His Bare Bottom

Why do men love being dominated by women? I've had nine boyfriends and three of them have enjoyed being spanked, tied up or humiliated in some way. My current boyfriend likes being treated like a naughty school-boy. He puts on shorts and a cap and I have to smack his hands and legs and make him stand in the corner of the bedroom and keep quite still. As soon as he makes the slightest move I pull down his trousers and underpants and smack his bare bottom. This gets him quite excited. The more I smack him the more noticeable his excitement becomes. I then invite him to touch my breasts through my blouse. Finally, I force him to lie down on his back and I make love to him.

The commonplace male desire to be dominated by a woman is a result of hidden guilts and secret yearnings. Many men feel guilty about sex and can only really enjoy themselves in the bedroom if they feel that they are both handing over responsibility to their female partners and being punished for enjoying themselves. Mothers are invariably the cause of these guilts. They teach their sons that nudity, masturbation and sex are disgusting and fail to understand that their own frustrating and unsatisfying sex lives are largely a result of the fact that their mothers in law have made their own husbands repressed and guilt laden.

Flat, Limp And Very Warm

When I make sandwiches for my boyfriend he likes me to sit on them for 30 minutes before he arrives home. When he eats them they are rather flat, limp and very warm but he says that they are the best he has ever eaten. We have wonderful sex afterwards. Do you know if anyone else ever does this? Is it a fetish and if so is there a name for it?

The name for the fetish you describe is buttybumflattenphilia and it was first described by Professor Otto Gherkin in a special supplement to the European Medical Journal in 1978. I am told that this fetish is now so popular that large scale purveyors of take away snacks employ thousands of women to do nothing other than sit down on sandwiches. A large bottom is apparently considered to be a great asset in this particular area of catering. Some women can flatten three sandwiches or two crusty rolls at a time. Large scale sellers of sandwiches have tried introducing mechanical aids but there is apparently no substitute for a female bottom when it comes to properly compressing a sandwich and giving it that 'je ne sais quoi'. A spokesman for one large chain of stores told me that tuna is the most popular bumpressed sandwich they do. If you want to try one just ask for the 'gluteal-special'. The buttybumflattenphilia fetish is common throughout North America and in many Northern Europe countries but is not widely known in Scandinavia where the popularity of the open sandwich makes it something of a non starter.

A Very Strong Sex Drive

I am 54 years old man but still have a very strong sex drive. For some reason a young 21 year old neighbour has taken quite a fancy to me. I was chatting her up one evening recently and invited her to come home with me. Much to my surprise she said she would. We went to bed and she stayed the night with me - though we didn't sleep a wink. We made love in every position imaginable. She has a fantastic body and beautiful breasts. She now comes home with me three times a week and stays the night every time. She has a boyfriend about her own age but she says that I am much better endowed than he is - and a far superior lover. I cannot understand what she sees in me. Do you think I should allow this relationship to continue? It seems to be largely based on sex although she always brings me chips from the local fish and chip shop when she comes round.

I'm not quite sure why on earth you are having any doubts about this relationship. You have regular sex with a girl less than half your age AND you get free chips? What else do you want out of life? Free tomato ketchup? Mushy peas? I suggest that on the nights when you sleep alone you kneel down by the side of your bed and thank your God profusely for his wisdom and generosity.

Tedious Conversations

Why do young parents always think that everyone else will be interested in the exploits and needs of their damned brats? Most of my friends now have small children and all they want to talk about is potty training and the best sort of nappies to buy. I find this sort of conversation extremely tedious.

The only answer, I'm afraid, is to avoid all young couples with small children. When any of my friends have children I banish them from my life for eighteen years. I let them back into my life when their children are old enough to discuss stock market fluctuations and the philosophical works of Niccolo Machiavelli and Henry David Thoreau with some degree of understanding.

Another Woman In Our Bed

My husband has always had a fantasy about having another woman in our bed. Recently, I have often found myself becoming more and more interested in the idea of three in a bed sex. I want to try it so that when I'm older I won't wonder what it would have been like. But I can't find another woman who is genuinely interested in sharing our bed and I'm about to give up.

I can see your problem. You could ask someone you know - but they might turn out to be offended or indiscreet. Worse still, they might be offended and indiscreet. Or you could find a complete stranger. They might turn out to be disastrous in other ways. You could send hubby off to pick up a bird in a pub. But that might lead to a disruptive emotional commitment. Standing outside Tesco's inviting likely looking women to come home with you is likely to get you into trouble. There is bound to be a law against it and even if there isn't the chances are that all her frozen food will thaw and make a mess in your living room while the three of you are upstairs playing 'Who Puts What Where?'. Calling in a professional is an obvious solution but that has its dangers too. You can hardly put an advert in your local paper but there are magazines which do carry the sort of ads you need to write. Try standing on tip toes and looking on the top shelf at your local newsagent. But do please make sure that when you find that third woman you start your three in a bed evening with a plentiful supply of condoms.

The Biggest Breasts

My wife has 46DD inch breasts. Do you think these are the biggest breasts in the world?

No, I'm afraid that although your wife's accessories are well in excess of Standard North European Handfuls (this E.U. standard excludes Italian breasts for obvious reasons) they are certainly not the largest in the world.

All Girl Holidays

My girlfriend wants to go away on holiday with another girl. She says that lots of her friends go away on all girl holidays. Do you think my girlfriend is a lesbian?

No. But I think you are a wanker and your penis is probably too small. These two reasons probably explain why your girlfriend wants to go on holiday without you.

I Am Terribly Ugly

I am terribly ugly. I have a horrible bent nose, fat ankles and ears which stick out. My breasts are far too big and I am several stones overweight. I cannot afford to have plastic surgery and my doctor says I cannot have the surgery I need on the NHS even though not having the surgery is making me miserable. It's not fair. Because I am miserable I eat too much and my weight keeps going up. I know that I will never find anyone to love me.

You are quite right. You will probably never find anyone to love you. But it will not be your physical appearance which will drive away potential suitors as much as your self pitying, whingeing attitude. Instead of moaning about your sticky out ears, your double economy sized breasts and your fat ankles how about spending a few minutes a day finding things to be grateful for? Can you hear the birds? Can you smell the flowers? Can you see the sky? Can you talk? Can you walk? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you get enough to eat? If you've answered 'yes' to those seven questions (and since you are a fat slob you obviously answer 'yes' to the last one) then you're well ahead of the game and should spend a little more time wondering how you can help people and animals less fortunate than yourself and a little less time wallowing in self pity.

I Adore Having My Breasts Fondled

Some women complain about men being obsessed with their breasts. But I love it. I adore having my breasts fondled and having my nipples sucked. I do not have a boyfriend at the moment and I just love for a man to get his hands under my jumper and inside my bra. Is there something wrong with me? I have written to quite a few magazines about this but none of them have ever printed my letter. Perhaps the subject is too personal or too embarrassing.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. An informal survey I conducted showed that 72% of all female bank employees like having their breasts fondled and their nipples sucked. Sadly, none of the female bank employees interviewed for this survey wanted their breasts fondled or their nipples sucked by me but then life is full of disappointments and I shall try to bear this rejection stoically.

Conceptualising Fatherhood

I recently visited my local College to enquire about a course in learning French. I was told that they no longer do courses in foreign languages. The only courses available were: 'Conceptualising Fatherhood' and `Integrating Men Into Society'. I wasn't in the slightest bit surprised to read your letter. Local col- leges seem to have forgotten that they exist to provide the education people want; instead they insist on offering courses in things the teachers want to teach. I recently saw one College prospectus which included courses entitled: 'Macrame for Deaf Lesbians', 'Advanced Hairdressing for Disabled Asians' and 'Car Parking For Single Parents'. Some colleges in England and Wales are now offering students a two year publicly funded diploma course in whoring. Students have to study the history of prostitution from Cleopatra to modern times and learn the basic four elements of practical whoring (Presumably these are: 1) Remove knickers. 2) Lie on back. 3) Part legs. 4) Yell: 'Next!'). I am told (though this may be an light hearted exaggeration) they must also accurately identify photographs of pink pimply bottoms belonging to 50% of a random assortment male politicians in order to obtain a certificate.

Two Horrid Children

We always spend our holidays in a caravan. This year the people in the caravan next to us have two horrid children. Their behaviour is terrible. They deliberately taunt our dog. When we complained the parents said that their children are both suffering from hyperactivity and that they cannot be controlled. Any suggestions?

Hyperactivity and autism are two of the many fashionable diag- noses misused by middle class, aspirational parents to excuse the behaviour of their obnoxious children. Sticking a label on to bad manners seems to make it perfectly acceptable. 'Oh, dear, did our little Wilfred throw your baby onto the barbecue and stab your cat to death? I'm afraid we can't stop him because he's hyperactive.' Bollocks. The chances are that if you could stick the little bastards up to their necks in a vat full of warm sewage for ten hours they'd soon learn some manners. Most of the children diagnosed as suffering from 'hyperactivity' are no more hyperactive than they are rabid. The best way to annoy people in caravans is to throw bread onto the roof. Try it late in the evening. The sound of seagulls dancing around on a metal roof will quickly drive your neighbours potty. They will then go home and leave you in peace.

In Love With My Best Friend's Mother

I am in my 20s and am madly in love with my best friend's mother. She is in her 40s but has a fantastic figure. I saw some topless pictures taken of her on the beach and she looked terrific. She's a really lovely woman and isn't going out with anyone at the moment (she's divorced). I find myself going round to see my pal but really hoping to catch a glimpse of her. What should I do? I don't want to spoil my friendship with my mate or his mother by making an inappropriate move.

Why not try putting a toe into the water instead of diving in headfirst? Talk to her and discover a shared passion. Railways. Country houses. Boats on the river. Walking in woods. It doesn't matter. Anything will do. Then find something suitable that you can do together - preferably in the daytime so that it's less like a date. And ask your friend's mum if she'd like to go with you. Don't keep it a big secret from your pal - but don't make a big deal of it either. Once the two of you are together it's up to you. Take her arm as you clamber across a river, onto a boat or up stairs and sense how she responds. You are clearly sensitive enough to catch the vibes that will tell you whether or not to keep holding her. If she doesn't see you as a potential lover then you'll have to either back off or just keep trying. It may take some time to get her to think of you as a man rather than as her son's friend. But if she responds positively then life may suddenly become a hell of a lot of fun.

A Spotless House

A friend of mine has a spotless house. When I asked her how she managed to do it - and admitted that I hate housework and hardly ever do any - she told me that she gets her house cleaned free by a bloke she knows. This man has a fetish about being disciplined. He does the cleaning and washing and ironing while she sits around and criticises him. He does the housework naked except for a tiny little plastic pinafore but my friend doesn't have to have sex with him. He just likes her to smack his bottom occasionally if she doesn't think he's done a good enough job. My friend says that her house isn't big enough to keep him busy and has offered to send him round to me two or three times a week. She says she's known him for nine years and he's perfectly harmless. What do you think I should do?

I can't think why you are even hesitating. What have you to lose apart from dishpan hands, gritty floors and a fridge that probably looks like a prop for a remake of some old fashioned horror movie? Other readers take heart; it isn't hard to find a male servant who will clean your home for free. A recent survey conducted by entirely unreliable experts showed that 79% of insurance company employees are discipline fetishists who will happily tear off their nylon suits and get down on their knees at the merest hint of a touch of a good, firm telling off and a bit of bottom smacking. I suggest that you ring your local insurance company and ask them to send an emergency salesman round straight away. When the salesman arrives don't let him start his patter but just tell him to strip. When he is naked hand him a mop, a bucket and a plastic pinny and tell him to get on with cleaning your kitchen. Insurance salesmen will do absolutely anything to sign up another policy-holder so you'll end up with a kitchen floor you can be proud of. If your selected salesman is a discipline fetishist you'll have found yourself a free 'char'. If you're unlucky and your salesman is one of the 21% who don't get turned on by scrubbing in a plastic pinny just throw him out as soon as he's finished with the mop. You'll come out of the encounter with a clean kitchen floor and you can ring another company the following morning and try again. You really can't lose.

My Best Is Never Enough

My mother always treats me like dirt. She is charming and polite to strangers but I can never do anything right in her eyes. I try my hardest to please her but my best is never good enough. When she bought me tights for my birthday I felt sure she had made a mistake because they were the colour I like best. She normally buys me things which I hate and I'm sure she does it on purpose. She hates my husband, despises my friends, constantly tells me that I'm a failure and makes it clear that she thinks I am an incompetent housekeeper.

You aren't alone. The world is full of mothers who get pleasure out of trying to destroy their children. The type of apparently malignant behaviour you describe is probably a result of the fact that your mother was overloaded with impossible amounts of responsibility when she was a child. She may, for example, have been an oldest child expected to look after the other children. Because she was constantly put under pressure and made to feel inadequate by her parents she has grown up into a frightened woman, tortured by feelings of her own unworthiness. The more you try to please her the worse her behaviour will become. She lashes out at you partly because she feels vulnerable and partly because she wants to get revenge on you for her own miserable childhood. The snide comments, the sly digs and the cruel nagging are all defences designed to disguise her own overwhelming sense of inadequacy. She dare not lower her guard. She always has to feel that she is control. Sadly, you have to come to terms with the fact that you will never have a warm, loving, sharing relationship with your mother. And you must take care. Remember that because of her own twisted psyche your mother WANTS to make you miserable and WANTS to wreck your relationship with your husband. Feel sorry for her if you like, love her if you can, but do not let her destroy your life. She will if you let her. Mothers can be warm, comforting and loving. But they can also be dangerous.

Sex In The Sea

Is it possible for a woman to get pregnant if she has sex in the sea? My boyfriend and I have done it several times this way. He usually stands on the sea bottom and takes off the lower half of my bikini and I sit on him with my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. We never have condoms with us and we have both always assumed that I would be 'safe' under water.

I'm afraid you could get pregnant having sex under water. And in the position you describe I suspect that penetration is particularly deep - with the result that pregnancy becomes even more likely. Moreover, it is not impossible that a female swimmer passing by and sharing the same stretch of water could also be impregnated by your partner's ejaculate. All fertile females should regard erect penises on naked fertile males to be potential conception hazards if they come within a range of twenty yards - and should, therefore, take appropriate precautions. Semen can be travelling at up to 30 mph when it leaves the penis (this means that if a world record sprinter ejaculated while running he would meet himself coming) and can be fired a distance of several yards. If you intend to continue having sex in the sea then I suggest that you take suitable contraceptive precautions. And hold onto your bikini bottom quite firmly. I am advised by this newspaper's legal department that I must warn you that under Code 982743h, regulation WK3 of the Maritime Physical Contact Regulations (1994) it is illegal to have sex in the sea on Sundays and Thursdays.

National Lavatory Paper Week

I couldn't believe it when I read that last week was National Condom Week. How absurd. What next? National Lavatory Paper Week? National Nail Clipping Week?

A friend of mine abandoned a career in local radio after he was instructed to interview a brace of plumbers to celebrate National Plumbing Week. I do think that the selection of official 'National Weeks' does sometimes show a lack of imagination. I am, however, pleased to announce that I have persuaded the government quango which is responsible for authorising official 'National Weeks' that this coming week should be 'National Looking At Breasts Week'. For the next 7 days all men over the age of 18 are required to look at as many female breasts as possible. The following week will be 'National Pulling Funny Faces At Traffic Wardens Week'. And the week after that will be 'National Making Paper Darts Out Of Little Slips Of Paper In The Bank Week'.

A Sexy Underwear Party

I recently attended an 'sexy underwear' party for women. During the proceedings several of us were invited to try on erotic undies. It was all a good laugh at the time. A person with whom I work, and whom I considered a good friend, took photographs. I now discover that these pictures are being shown around the office where I work - much to everyone's amusement. The pictures have even been shown to people who work for me. I have not spoken to the person who is showing the photographs because I don't want her to think that I haven't got a sense of humour.

It's too late now to do anything about the photographs. But you have learned two valuable lessons. First, you have learned that friendship is a subjective phenomenon. One person's friendship is another person's opportunity for a cheap laugh. And second you have learned that when you pose for photographs you should always make sure that you keep the film.

Every Time I See A Good Looking Woman I Get An Erection

Every time I see a good looking woman I get an erection. I know that my fiancee would be alarmed and horrified if she knew of this. She is very religious and strongly disapproves of sex. Although we have been going out together for two years and get on quite well together she has let me kiss her just twice and has never allowed me to touch her breasts. What should I do?

I suggest that you delay your wedding. Do you really want to marry someone about whom you can say nothing more emotive than that 'you get on quite well'? Life with your fiancee sounds as though it will be about as exciting as a constant diet of muesli.

We Make Love All The Time

My wife and I make love all the time. It's wonderful. But do you think we could be damaging one another's health? Is it possible to do it too much? I've had a number of letters like this recently. Maybe the weather has had something to do with it. There are lots of ways in which love making can damage your health. You might fall out of bed, crick your back, slip off the wardrobe or dislocate your tongue. But sex is, in general, probably considerably safer than gardening, skiing, pot holing or trying to cross the road in a large city. European Union Hazard And Safety Commissioners give sex a 98% safety rating (see regulation CT/j837) in their September newsletter. (I got an advance copy from an informant who happens to work there as a typist. She has the most incredibly long legs and is a trained gymnast but I would like to make it clear that our relationship is entirely professional). As long as you are in good health and don't do anything painful then you are unlikely to be doing one another any harm. The European Medical Association recently announced that sex is the most popular form of exercise practised in most of Europe. The exception was Germany where saluting and heel clicking took first and second place for the 56th year in a row.

Deeply Offended

I am deeply offended about the fact that on several occasions you have portrayed nurses as sex objects.

I am sorry that you do not have a sense of humour. Maybe you would feel more comfortable if you wore less constricting underwear. I am delighted to say that many nurses write to me to encourage my regular attacks on the drug industry, uncaring doctors and administrators. Questionable research conducted in Sweden last week provided the final proof that nurses who smile and wear uplift bras and short skirts do patients far more good than sour faced shapeless hags. The survey showed that there is more to nursing than emptying a bedpan without spilling the contents. What really matters is the way the nurse bends over when she's emptying the bedpan. A nurse who cares about her patients will bend over at the waist so that her dress rides up and shows taut suspenders and several inches of firm, milky white thighs.

In Love With My Dentist's Nurse

I am in love with my dentist's nurse. I love the way her breasts press against my arm when she's holding the little sucker thing in my mouth. She uses a perfume which drives me wild. I keep eating lots of sweets so that my teeth will need lots of attention. Do you think all the sugar will have any other bad effects on my health?

You will become so grotesquely obese that you will not fit into the dentist's chair. And will she find you irresistible when all your teeth have fallen out and you have only a pair of edentulous gums to offer her? You will save your health, your teeth and your pocket considerable pain by asking the nurse if she wants to go out with you. But please be warned: the fact that a nurse accidentally presses her breasts against your arm when she is holding a sucker in your mouth doesn't mean that she wants to rush home with you and play 'let's tickle my fancy' and 'where shall we hide the folding umbrella'.

Big Nipples

My nipples are three quarters of an inch long - slightly longer when I am sexually aroused. Some women hate big nipples but I love them - and so does my husband. I have to wear cotton wool in my bra to protect them. In hot weather I sometimes go out without a bra - and you should see the stares I get! Have you ever come across any that are bigger?

Congratulations on your queen sized accessories. You should be careful: if you go out without a bra you might put someone's eye out if you turn round too suddenly. There are all sorts of opportunities open to you which are closed to women with smaller nipples. You could hire yourself out as a two pegged hoopla board for garden fetes. Punters could throw jam pot rings at your nipples for prizes. Or you could act as a model for a thimble manufacturer. I did hear of one silly woman who used her large nipples as dibbers when planting out seedlings but you must not do that. It would be extremely hazardous. I don't know whether your nipples are the biggest around. I haven't come across any which are bigger but when I conducted my survey to find the Biggest Tits I had two other letters from readers with nipples which were three quarters of an inch long. Maybe you could all get together and be a six pegged hoopla board.

Turned On By Shaving

My girlfriend really gets turned on by shaving me. She's done my chest and my armpits several times and is now desperate to shave my pubic area. We always have fantastic sex after a shaving session. I'm reluctant to let her shave my pubic area because I'm sure that the other blokes at the local gym where I work out would laugh at me in the showers.

Why the hell should you care what other men think about your pubic hairstyling arrangements? Personally, I don't think I would want to share a shower with nosy perverts who stared at my twiddly bits. Real men never talk in the showers. They just soap, rinse, dry and go.

My Husband Smears My Naked Body With Ice Cream

My husband's colleagues spend most of their time at the golf club but his idea of fun is to smear my naked body with ice cream, drop copious quantities of chocolate sauce on top and then lick me clean. Is this normal for a rather overweight solicitor in his mid fifties? I don't mind - in fact I enjoy it - but do you think I should be concerned about his mental health?

I don't think you need be unduly concerned about your husband's mental health. A study of solicitors which was performed for the Rutland Ice Cream And Chocolate Sauce Bureau by Dr Kitt Modler showed that 92% of solicitors spend more time licking food off naked women than they spend dealing with clients' affairs (separate research is being conducted into whether this may or may not explain why solicitors' fees are so high and why house conveyancing takes so long). I think you should be more concerned about the effect of your husband's dietary habits on his weight - and subsequently his likelihood of developing serious heart disease. Maybe you could persuade him to start using a low fat ice cream and to cut down on the chocolate sauce?

A Real Nuisance

A man I work with is a real nuisance. He is pompous, patronising and rude but it is his constant sexual innuendos which I detest most. I don't want to waste time and effort complaining about him but I would appreciate any thoughts you might have on how I can keep him away from me.

Buy a water pistol and practise with it until you can fire it with some degree of accuracy. Then keep it filled and handy at work. Every time Mr Greaseball comes close to you aim the water pistol at a spot about six inches below his belt buckle and fire. Because he will then look as though he has wet himself he will quickly scurry back to his corner and leave you alone.

Two Brothers In A Bar

While on a camping holiday with a friend I met two really nice brothers in a bar. They asked us to go dancing. After we had agreed to go out with them my girlfriend chickened out. She has a boyfriend and said she didn't want to be unfaithful to him. I went with them on my own and we had a lot of good laughs. Afterwards I went back to their tent for a drink. While we were fooling around one of them bet me that the three of us could all get into the same sleeping bag. I could see what was coming so I refused but they both bet me that they wouldn't get erections and that therefore nothing would happen. So, for a laugh, I said I'd do it. We had to take all our clothes off to get into the sleeping bag but as soon as we were in both of them got erections and the sleeping bag got even more crowded. One of them pointed out that we'd all be a lot more comfortable if I let them do the obvious with their erections. They both bet me that they wouldn't come. Well, they both lost that bet as well! Twice each! When I got up to go back to my tent the next morning another holidaymaker saw them giving me the money I had won and started a nasty rumour around the camp that I was 'on the game'. The two boys confirmed that my account of what had happened was true but when my friend heard the rumour she made me give her half of the money. She now says that if I don't give her the rest she will tell my boyfriend what happened.

Isn't life a bitch? I think you are very, very unlucky to have such a distrusting friend. I can't imagine how she can possibly be so suspicious. You are obviously a very nice and innocent girl. Never mind. To cheer you up I'll send you a shoe box full of used notes if you can send me incontrovertible evidence proving that your story is true. I'll also have my ears pierced, paint all my nails bright pink and wear a frock for a week. I'll have your name tattooed at the top of my left leg and I'll let you pull the other one (the one that has got bells on it) as much as you like. What more can I say?

A Domineering, Arrogant Young Woman

My son is going out with a schoolteacher. I have tried hard to be nice to her but she is a very domineering, rather arrogant young woman and I simply cannot warm to her. When I told a close friend about this she admitted that she had similar problems with her daughter's boyfriend - who is also a school teacher. Do you think we have both been unlucky - or are our experiences normal?

Your experiences are by no means exceptional. A recent unreli- able survey conducted by inebriated researchers showed that schoolteachers are widely regarded as the most boring people in the world (ahead of civil servants, chemical engineers and local authority employees). However, the good news is that schoolteachers have such clearly defined faults that they are easy to identify at a distance and so you should easily be able to avoid close contact with them. First, they are usually quite stupid. (Teaching is traditionally the last refuge for the incompetent). Second, they are invariably arrogant and patronising. (They are used to being able to punish anyone who dares talk back to them and so find it difficult to relate to other adults). Third, they talk too much. (They are used to the sound of their own voices). Fourth, they talk too loudly. (To make themselves heard above the clamour of rowdy children). And finally, of course, they are very, very mega-boring. (They always know lots of dull things about rock formation, Edward the Confessor and algebraic equations). But take heart: the chances are high that your son will soon tire of his school mistress. It is no accident that there are more bachelors and spinsters in the school teaching profession than in any other. Meanwhile, add a little zip to life by putting chewing gum on the noxious hag's chair when she comes to dinner.

Love With A Stranger

My husband has for a long time had a fantasy about watching me being made love to by a stranger. Over the years I too have been excited many times by the thought of this happening. I honestly never thought this would really happen but on a recent trip my husband suggested that we turn the fantasy into reality. I agreed and he contacted an escort agency. They sent a tall, athletic looking man of around 20 round to our hotel. We met him in the bar. After I had given my husband a secret sign to show that I found him attractive I went up to our bedroom while the two men sorted out the money. In our bedroom I stripped to my underwear and waited. When my husband and the escort arrived I was very nervous. But when the escort stripped naked and started to kiss and caress me my nervousness quickly disappeared. My husband sat down on a chair next to the bed so that he could watch. The escort came twice - once inside me and once on my breasts - and I had several fantastic orgasms. My husband is keen for us to do it again.

You have already put one dainty foot well over the line which divides fantasy from reality. I suggest you think extremely carefully before you extend the other foot and step firmly and irretrievably into another world. The price you may have to pay may not be measurable in cash terms. Try to forget what your husband wants for a moment. What do YOU want? If you continue your sexual experiments the strain on your marriage could be terminal. Only you can decide if the thrill of occasional sex with a young stranger is worth the sort of price you may eventually have to pay.

The Woman Next Door

I am a 19 year old male student living in a bedsit. The window of my room looks straight into the lounge of the house next door. The house is occupied by a couple in their forties. My desk, where I work most evenings, is right next to the window. For some time now, at about half past four, the woman next door has walked into their lounge wearing either a see through shortie nightie or suspenders, stockings and a tiny bra. She is very attractive and has a terrific figure. She waters the plants on her window sill and then sits down and watches television. Occasionally she eats a banana - very suggestively. Every so often she looks directly at my window and smiles at me. Once she waved. At about 7.00 pm she disappears and gets dressed. Her husband arrives home at about 7.30 pm and usually draws the curtains. Sometimes, when her husband has gone to bed, she will come down in a nightie, draw the curtains back, put on the lights and stand there for a while. She is obviously aware that I can see her. Do you think she is just an exhibitionist or do you think she wants me to go round to her house?

You could get a pretty good idea of exactly what is on offer by popping round to see your neighbour one afternoon at about 4.30 pm. Use your imagination. Tell her your pencil is blunt and ask if she has anything you can use to put a better end on it. If she invites you in then you are on your own I'm afraid. But before you make this move do please be sure you want more than a free floorshow from your neighbour. Don't go knocking on doors if you aren't prepared for them to be opened. If your curvaceous neighbour welcomes you with open arms and legs are you going to accept what is on offer - together with the attendant risks?

Too Critical

You are wrong to be so critical of bureaucracy.

What a silly person you are. European bureaucrats get dafter by the week. I'm sure that most of them have had their brains taken out and put back in again upside down. New European regulations about the length of the shaggy pile on shagpile carpet means that carpet owners whose shagpile is 1mm too short could now be in real trouble. Carpet owners have four weeks in which to extend the length of their shagpile by using special shagpile hormone cream - which has to be applied to each individual strand of shagpile. If they fail to increase the length of their shagpile then the regulations make it clear that their carpet has to be taken up and replaced. You don't know whether or not I am joking. do you?

I Want My Nose Reshaped

I want to have my nose reshaped. This is not a whim. I hate my nose. It is ruining my life. My doctor has told me that I can have an operation but that I will have to pay for it myself. I cannot afford the operation unless I give up my plans for a holiday next year. Do you think this is fair?

I do not think it fair that thousands of patients have to wait months or even years for treatment that could banish their pain. I do not think it is fair that thousands will die this year while waiting for simple treatment that could have saved their lives. I do not think it is fair that people who are sick have to pay for their prescriptions (often handing over more than the drugs cost!). I do not think it is fair that the mentally ill are thrown out onto the streets to fend for themselves. The sad but unavoidable truth is that we cannot afford to provide everyone with all the health care services they want or need. In a perfect world you would probably be entitled to have your nose reshaped. But we do not live in a perfect world and we will never be able to afford to provide everyone with the medical treatment they want or need. The uncomfortable truth is there have to be choices. I'm afraid I suspect that dealing with your ugly nose would not occupy a high position on many peoples' lists of priorities for health care facilities.

I Sleep With The Landlord

When my husband lost his job last year we found ourselves in a lot of debt. When we fell behind with the rent the landlord offered to let us live rent free if I slept with him two evenings every week. I thought my husband would object but he was quite happy - especially since the landlord gives him a few quid to go to the pub when its his nights to 'collect'. Last week the washing machine broke down and my husband spoke to the engineer who said he would fix it if I had sex with him. I quite fancy him - he is only in his 20s and quite good looking - but I can't help wondering where all this is leading.

A quick telephone poll of a representative sample of voters shows that everyone who studies this abbreviated version of your life story is convinced that you are heading for a career for which the accepted uniform consists of red, five inch heels, black underwear, a microskirt and a see through blouse and where the acknowledged occupational hazards include gluteal friction burns, sucker's lips and humper's pubic rub. Yesterday it was the rent and today it is the washing machine. What is it going to be tomorrow? Are you really so naive that you can't see where all this is taking you? Or do you have your head buried so far in the sand that you can't see what is happening at the other end of your body? Whoring is a perfectly sound and morally unimpeachable way to earn a living. There are hazards (some - but not all - of which can be minimised by the use of condoms) but if you're going to pay your way with squidgy currency you should start by being honest with yourself.

My Large Breasts Bounce Up And Down A Lot

I enjoy jogging and aerobics but have quite large breasts which bounce up and down quite a lot when I move about. I have bought several athletic support bras but nothing has worked. A male friend who regularly sees me running claims that he has extra strong neck and eye muscles as a result of watching me jog past.

Dr Kit Modler has invented an anti- gravity control bra which is designed to prevent all movement of the breasts during physical activity. The bra uses an electronic monitoring device which stabilises the nipples by focusing a laser beam on the North Star, a nuclear powered gyroscope and cobalt zinc steel underwiring with a breaking strain of 14 tons. Breasts within the bra remain steady and stable whatever their owner does. Sadly, Dr Modler's revolutionary bra is not yet on the market. Until it is I strongly suggest that you regard your involuntary breast movement as a serious hazard to safety on the roads. Unless you can find other joggers prepared to run alongside you holding a screen you should limit yourself to activity well away from the public highway. There is a real danger that motorists will turn their heads and stare when they see you running down the street and you could well find yourself responsible for a serious accident.

Fringe Religions

Do you agree with me that fringe religions should be banned by law? I am a regular churchgoer.

I think we should ban all religions. Most of the wars and much of the prejudice in the world are inspired by religion. Millions have been killed by fanatics who believed that their god was bigger and more important than anyone else's. Incidentally, do you imagine that the phrase 'I am a regular churchgoer' entitles you to any special respect? Being a regular visitor to a large, chilly building with a spire gives you no greater right to respect than would making regular visits to a launderette. Nor do I believe that God is impressed by the fact that you put on your best clothes every Sunday, sing a few hymns and drop a quid onto the collecting plate.

My Penis Gets Too Hard

My wife complains that when I am aroused my penis gets too hard. She says it is like a bone or a brick.

Are you sure she is complaining? An entirely unreliable survey of European female advertising employees showed that 104.7% would pay good money to have an entirely meaningless relationship with a man with a bone hard groin extension. Maybe your wife is too poorly prepared. It is vital that you practise good foreplay in order to ensure that she is properly lubricated and suitably receptive. Finally, I am advised by a friendly aardvark who claims to have legal training that I must warn you that if your penis really is as hard as a brick, and it remains in that condition for more than 5.6 seconds, you may find yourself in trouble with your local authority. Under subsection HJ34/Y of the Local Government Planning Regulations you would probably need advance official permission for a solid and more or less permanent erection of the type you describe.

A Private Health Club

My husband has just started work at a private health club. He is very good looking and keeps himself in very good shape. After two days at his new job he came home very shocked. He told me that a rich, middle aged woman had told him that she would give him a very large tip if he was especially nice to her. It turned out that what she meant by this was that she would pay him to have sex with her. She said that several other women at the club would also pay him for sex. He doesn't earn much and that sort of money would make a vast difference to our lives. He says he will only do it if I want him to.

Does he want to branch out into this specialised area of one on one fitness training? Do you want him to do press ups on top of sex starved strangers? Are you prepared to rent out his gym equipment? Will you be able to live with knowing how your husband's beautifully toned gluteal muscles have been pumped into shape? You both need to think about this carefully. You'll be able to buy new curtains, new shoes and as many boil in the bag TV dinners as you can eat - but will those goodies make up for knowing that the man with whom you have chosen to share your life has earned the money to pay for them by dipping his liquorice stick into Cynthia Lovett's sherbet bag?

Too Much About Women

Why do you write so much about women?

Any interest I show in women is inspired by pure scientific interest (and I would like to thank all those women readers who have been kind enough to write in and offer their bodies to my particular branch of science). On your behalf I spent much of the summer doing serious scientific research into breast jiggle. I made a number of fascinating discoveries. For example, although big breasts undoubtedly jiggle about more than small ones when their owners move around young women tend to move about so much more than older women that even when their breasts are smaller the jiggle factor is greater. My preliminary studies suggest that a woman aged 22 who takes a 34B bra has a potential jiggle factor 28% higher than a 53 year old who wears a 38C bra. Next year I intend to apply for a Medical Research Authority grant to continue my studies. I will sit in a deckchair drinking decent champagne (I know you wouldn't want me to drink cheap stuff) while two dozen women of different ages and sizes stand in front of me jumping up and down in the name of science. (Prospective volunteers please send photos).

A Bus Driver's Fantasy

I am going out with a bus driver. He has told me (in confidence) that his fantasy is to make love to me on his bus. He says we can do it one night when he is heading back to his depot. He wants to park in a quiet road and take me upstairs. Do you think this is kinky?

Of course it is kinky. Most things that are fun are kinky. Making love in the missionary position with the lights off is not kinky if you are wearing the nightie and he is wearing the striped pyjamas. It becomes kinky if you're wearing the pyjamas and he's got the nightie on. Making love in the cramped, back seat of a small car isn't kinky. But making love on the roomy top deck of a bus is. And just think of the giggly double entendres you can exchange: 'Plenty of room inside'; 'Be careful when you pull out'; 'Space for one more on top'. 'Hold tight please' and, if he brings a pal, 'Bus drivers always come in twos' and 'There will be another one behind soon.' Just make sure you keep the doors shut - otherwise you might never get back to the depot.

Suck, Blow And Nibble

My girlfriend wants me to perform oral sex on her but I'm not sure what to do. I asked a friend and he said I should just suck and blow and nibble her with my teeth.

If you believe all that you are a sucker. Never blow - it can be dangerous. Keep your teeth well out of the way - preferably in a glass on the bedside table - and concentrate on using your tongue. Exercise your tongue by licking the last bit of ice cream out of a tall sundae glass and using it to tie reef knots in pieces of dental floss.

He Teases And Fondles Me

My husband likes me to dress in stockings, suspenders and high heels when we make love and I enjoy it too. He teases and fondles my body while I lie on the bed. I find it very exciting. The other evening he told me to hold onto the bed head and told me that I couldn't let go until he said so. He then started tickling my feet. Although I pleaded and begged him to stop he continued the 'torture' for what seemed an eternity. He seemed to get very aroused by my laughing and screaming and then finally made love to me. Is it natural for a man to enjoy a tickling fetish? My husband wants to do it again but I'm not sure that I could cope again. I didn't realise until recently how popular tickling is as a sex game. I'm pretty sure that no doctors, psychologists or sexperts have recognised its popularity either. I suspect that ticklophilia (as I have decided to call it) is a rather fun manifestation of the traditional male domination/female submission game. If you find tickling too much to bear why not suggest an alternative designed to produce the almost unbearable sense of arousal without the hysterical laughter. Your husband will probably be just as happy using his tongue to draw circles on the milky white part of your inner thighs or around your nipples as he will be tickling your feet.

Sunbathing Topless

During the summer I spent a lot of time in my garden sunbathing topless. A neighbour, who saw me when pruning his apple trees and admits that he can only see me if he stands on a step ladder, is threatening to complain if I do it again. He says any sort of nudity is disgusting.

You can safely ignore your neighbour. He is clearly several trees short of an orchard. Tell him that if you hear another peep out of him you'll report him to the police for being a Peeping Tom.

Something Of An Orgy

My husband and I recently moved house onto a smart, new housing estate. A week or so after we moved in a neighbour invited us to a party. It soon became clear that the party was going to be something of an orgy. We were both given plenty to drink so that we were both tiddly then two women who I didn't know, but who I had seen shopping, did a strip tease dance and went round the room removing all the mens' trousers. Then a woman whom I'd seen walking past our house with her three children in tow, who had removed her dress and was by now wearing only a skimpy bra and pantie set and a pair of stockings and suspenders, took a ruler from a child's satchel and went round measuring all the erections. My husband got very excited when he was told that as a newcomer he could pick any woman in the room to have sex with. He selected a woman whom I'd seen working in the newsagents. I was then told to strip and lie on the floor. One of the men made love to me and the others stood around playing with themselves. In the end I just don't know what came over me.

The sort of friendly, neighbourly lets-be-nice-to-one-another ac- tivity you describe is, I'm told by unreliable sources, quite common these days. If you want to get invited again make sure that you send a little floral notelet thanking your hosts for having you.

A Family Of Christians

The family who live next door to me are all Christians. They go to church several times a week and always have posters containing sayings from the bible in their front window. They do not like animals and the week before last I saw them throw a bucket of water over one of my cats just because he was sleeping in their garden. He was weak and old and could not move very fast. He contracted an infection and yesterday I had to have him put down by the vet. When I confronted my neighbours they told me that God doesn't mind what people do to animals because they have no souls. Is this true?

Animals have souls. So called Christians who claim otherwise will fry. When I mentioned the fact that some allegedly religious people say that it's OK to eat animals or use them in experiments because only humans have souls two of God's assistants had to hold Him down. He was so furious that He wanted to flood America, send a plague of insurance salesman knocking on doors across Europe and press a button that would have ignited every volcano south of Aberdeen. Every thunderbolt he sends to earth has carved upon it the words: 'Animals have souls'. But only true believers can see the message. The children of the Devil see only a big flash and hear a lot of noise.

Men With Beards

My daughter's new boyfriend, who is a local council employee, has a beard. I had always understood that all men who wear beards are gay. Was I wrong or should I be concerned for my daughter's happiness?

Unreliable research conducted by estate agents has shown that between 0.2% and 78% of men who have beards are keen mountaineers. Equally unreliable research, performed by Sir Ramick Hobbs at his laboratory near to the Fitted Kitchen Centre has shown that between 14% and 108% of mountaineers are gay. Putting together these two pieces of research provides inconclusive evidence that 63% of men with beards are gay estate agents. Your concern for your daughter's happiness is, therefore, justified. Buy her a vibrator and tell her to dump the dork with the beard.

First Date For Fifteen Years

About a year ago I got divorced. Next Thursday I am taking a woman out to dinner. It is my first date for fifteen years. If I fancy her is it still OK to make a move on the first date? What are the rules these days? Can I kiss her? Touch her breasts? Ask her to come to bed with me?

You'll have to play it by ear I'm afraid. Unreliable research con- ducted by two travelling salesmen showed that while some women are disappointed if their date doesn't make a serious pass on a first date, others expect to be bought at least six dinners before allowing anything more intimate than a limp handshake. Some women (nurses, female journalists and waitresses, for example) are said by inebriated experts to prefer taking things into their own hands. Watch out for her body language. Move forward slowly and you will avoid the risk of offending her. If you reach out and try to undo her bra while she's still concentrating on her soup you could end up wearing the bowl as a china beret. On the other hand if you wait too long before offering to dip your long-handled spoon into her sweet and sticky pudding there is a danger that she may get bored and take her pudding elsewhere.

Entertaining Bored Children

Our children always get bored when we travel. Sitting around in airport lounges is a nightmare. Have you got any suggestions about how we can keep them amused?

Try making up backgrounds for everyone you can see. It's a great family game. 'That fat man with the moustache works for MI6. The woman with him is a nuclear physicist. They are both flying out to New Zealand where they plan to seek political asylum'. 'The woman in the pink shorts is a hooker. Her weedy husband is a pimp. They're going out to Spain to open a brothel.' 'The old woman with the walking stick won a gold medal for hopscotch at the Milton Keynes Olympics in 1822.' Get the kids playing this game and your holiday will be a hoot - especially when they open their big mouths on the plane and ask the busty woman in the tight T shirt if she is really a senior lecturer in advanced oral sex at the Open University.

When The Anaesthetic Doesn't Work Properly

Is it true that patients undergoing surgery sometimes remain conscious although they are paralysed?

Yes, I'm afraid so. If the anaesthetic doesn't work properly a patient could be lying on the operating table - unable to move - but able to hear, see and feel everything that is going on. Just imagine how horrible it would be to lie there hearing the surgeon say: 'I feel really rotten today. I wish I hadn't drunk so much last night - I can hardly stop myself shaking. Is this the hernia or the castration that we are doing? Whoops. Oh damn...'

Very Frustrated

My boyfriend and I live 700 miles away from one another. Inevitably this means that we do not see each other very often. We write to each other several times a week and ring one another up quite often but we both get very frustrated at being so far apart.

W hy not use your telephones and your imaginations to relieve one another's frustration? Use a camera with a timer to take a few photographs of yourself wearing something very, very sexy. Send the photographs to your boyfriend with a note giving him the time when you are going to ring him. Tell him how much you miss him and that you wish you could be in Scotland with him watching him toss his caber. When you telephone tell him to lock the door, to slip into something casual and to sit or lie somewhere comfortable. Tell him he must turn down the lights and put the pictures of you nearby so that he can look at them while he listens to you. Give him five minutes to get ready and then ring him back. Then tell him to close his eyes and to imagine that his right hand is your right hand. And then explain, slowly in very precise detail what you want to do with your right hand.

My Parents Are Really Stupid

My parents are really stupid. They don't know anything but they are always trying to tell me what to do. I am 16 and I get really fed up with them thinking they know best.

I do sympathise. It must be terrible for you. What your parents do not understand is that you, like all 16 year olds, have been blessed with the sacred gift of total knowledge. On your thirteenth birthday you were touched by the finger of infinite wisdom but your parents, being grown ups, were and are blind to your new status. Being blind they see you as an ignorant, pig headed, spotty, sulky, over demanding, ungrateful little git. Try to be patient with them, even though they may not serve you as they should. And make the best of your days of wisdom for they are limited. On the eve of your eighteenth birthday (far, far closer than you think) the finger of infinite wisdom will be lifted from your brow and you will come face to face with your true self. You will realise that you are, in truth, the ignorant little git your parents always thought you were and that the world, far from owing you obeisance, is a hostile and frightening place. Make the most of your years of total knowledge for they will never return.

We Deserved Some Fun

My daughter and I have just come back from a holiday together in Greece. I am divorced and my daughter had just broken up with her boyfriend and we thought we deserved some fun. We are both pretty broadminded and game for a laugh and a good time. Early in our holiday I met a very nice local boy whom I had sex with - once in a deserted cove and once in his room at the hotel where he worked. Two days after the second sex session I went back to our hotel room, opened the door and found this same boy making love to my daughter. He still had my scratch marks on his back! I quickly shut the door and went down to the bar where my daughter joined me half an hour later. We both laughed about the incident but I didn't tell her that I'd made love to the same boy. I then met an older man with whom I had a not very serious sexual liaison but my daughter continued to see the young boy. At the end of our second week she told me that she had fallen in love with the boy we had both made love to. At first I didn't worry about it too much, assuming it to be just a holiday romance that would soon be little more than just a pleasant memory. But now that we are back home she writes to him daily and is already planning to go out and see him again early next year. She knows that he is still working in a hotel, surrounded by temptation, but is convinced that he is being faithful to her. I am very doubtful. He had my knickers off within twenty minutes of meeting me and I know he is a randy little devil. I am now in a quandary: should I tell her that I had sex with the love of her life?

I think the time for sharing this little titbit of information has long passed (if there ever was such a time). Take a cold blooded look at the situation and ask yourself who will benefit or lose if you tell your daughter that you've played put the stick of rock in the doughnut with her boyfriend. The boy won't benefit though he may lose your daughter's love. You won't benefit at all, but you may lose some of your daughter's respect and affection and she may, indeed, be very angry with you for a quite a while. Your daughter will, I suspect, be miserable, confused and uncertain. I think that this is one little secret which you and I should keep to ourselves.

Playing Second Fiddle To The TV Set

At his invitation I recently visited a friend I hadn't seen for years. He and his wife kept the television set on all the time I was there. I didn't stay as long as I had planned and I got the impression that they were pleased to see me go so that they could give all their concentration to their television set.

A friend of mine had problems with his central heating boiler the other day. The engineer came, messed around with the boiler for forty minutes and then suddenly packed up his tools and headed for the door. 'Is it mended?' asked my friend. 'Dunno,' replied the engineer. 'My favourite TV programme is on in twenty minutes so I've got to go.' I had similar experiences when I was a GP. Eventually I got fed up of struggling to listen to wheezy chests and faint heart murmurs against a background of television noise. When polite invitations to turn down the volume were met with scowls, stern stares, muttered objections and total inaction I would get up, walk over to the set and fiddle with every knob I could possibly find in an apparently half witted attempt to find the volume control. By the time I had messed up the colour and station settings the television owner would leap up and switch off the set to protect it from further damage. After a few months of this I acquired such an evil reputation as a blundering buffoon whose fingers could cause viewing havoc that most householders turned off their television sets the moment I set foot in their homes.

A Silly Fellow

My boyfriend owns a large collection of pornographic videos. That doesn't upset me because I enjoy watching them myself. The problem is that he won't let me watch them with him - or even let me borrow them and watch them on my own. He admits that he watches them daily and masturbates while he does so and I find this extremely frustrating because I have a higher sex drive than he has and I am sure that if he didn't masturbate daily he would want to make love to me more often.

What a silly, shy fellow your boyfriend is. You are going to have to wean him away from his two dimensional thrills by showing him that three dimensional thrills can be much more exciting. Embarrassment is probably the main explanation for his reluctance to show you a little something from his collection. I suggest that you buy or rent yourself a porn video and then invite him round to your place to watch it with you. Invest in a bottle of wine and a couple of candles and let your fingers do lots of walking. Once you've shown him yours he will, with any luck, feel less inhibited about showing you his.

Aroused By The Movement Of Her Breasts

I wonder if I am the only woman who gets sexually aroused by the movement of her breasts throughout the day. I sometimes go without a bra and when my nipples move up and down against the material of whatever I'm wearing the sensation is fantastic. I used to believe that very smooth, silky materials were best but I have recently discovered that slightly rougher materials - such as wool or muslin - can be just as arousing. The constant stimulation means that my nipples get bigger and bigger throughout the day. As they get larger they become more sensitive and I get even more aroused. At lunchtime I sometimes meet my husband in the car park where we both work so that he can suck my engorged nipples and take me to orgasm.

My recent comments about breast jiggle brought E cupfuls of mail from women writing to tell me how exciting they find their own breast jiggle. I had, I confess, thought that this was a pleasure enjoyed solely by spectators. It is a joy to know that the players have fun too. And now I know why so many women enjoy jogging.

He Might Be Disappointed

I am in my late twenties and divorced. I recently met and started to go out with a bloke I've really fallen for. The problem is that I'm a bit worried that when we go to bed together he might be disappointed. I've had two children and I know that I'm a lot bigger down below than I was when I was a girl. Is there anything I can do to improve the situation? I'm worrying more about this than I did about losing my virginity.

Try to stop worrying. Your new lover is unlikely to notice much and even if he does the chances of his complaining are pretty slim. The tunnel of love which is causing you so much concern is pretty adaptable and although it has impressive stretching qualities it is pretty good at shrinking back to quasi virginal status. If it wasn't able to shrink every mother in the land would have an aperture large enough to take a penis the size of a baby's head. And there aren't many of those swinging around these days. The really good news is that there are exercises you can do to tighten up your vagina. Spend a little time every day doing these and you'll soon be able to strip the paint off a pencil (well, almost).

Coming Into Money

I work on a market stall twice a week. Afterwards I usually go into the loo and put my takings into my knickers for safety. Last Saturday I got home and found my boyfriend in a randy mood. He had me in the kitchen without giving me time to get undressed. You can imagine my embarrassment when I went to the bank the following Monday.

I believe that this is the first recorded instance of anyone (literally) coming into money.

Sex Is An Over-rated Pastime

I don't understand why there is so much fuss about sex. I think it is a very over-rated pastime. As a religious person I believe that married couples should only have sex for the purpose of procreation.

You are missing the point entirely. People don't have sex be- cause they enjoy it - they have sex because it is good for the nation. When people have sex they generate heat. Scientific research done by white coated government scientists working at a secret laboratory at Number 13a Acacia Avenue, Little Winkleton has shown that if a thousand people in a town are having sex enough heat will be generated to keep four old ladies safe from hypothermia for the whole of a harsh winter. So, you must not think of sex as just a way of having fun; think of it as a pubic service - and a way to get round the government's new tax on keeping warm through more boring and traditional methods. Join the 'We're Bonking to Keep the World Warm Campaign'. Send an invisible S.A.E. to your leader and he will send you an invisible 'I Bonk for Warmth' badge.

I Found My Girlfriend Playing With A Vibrator

I got home early and found my girlfriend playing with a vibrator. When I asked her why she shocked me by telling me that she doesn't always reach orgasm because I come too soon.

If you don't want the answers, don't ask the questions. If you com- pare yourself to a vibrator solely according to your orgasm potentiating powers then you ARE inadequate. Only a Johnnie Come Lately could compete with a battery powered sex-toy. Women get more intense orgasms - and more of them - with vibrators. But you can do lots of things a vibrator can't do. Next time she wants a new shelf erecting, quietly remind her of this.

Disgusting

I think it is disgusting that someone who calls himself a doctor should use the sort of words you use.

Would you rather I wrote in code? Maybe you would like me to send every reader a code book explaining that when I mention 'spoon' and 'ice cream' I am really talking about 'penis' and 'vagina'. (As in 'he wants to dip his 'spoon' into my 'ice-cream'). Or maybe you would prefer: 'He put his plug into the wrong socket'. Or 'He dipped his teabag into the wrong pot'. The human body consists of lots of bits and pieces. And we give those bits and pieces names so that we can communicate with one another. Words are just tools and cannot possibly be obscene. And if you think that the bits and pieces which the words refer to are obscene then you've got problems way beyond my help. I don't think the human body is obscene and I don't think words are obscene. I think torturing and killing animals is obscene. I think making patients wait months or years for treatment is obscene. I think war is obscene. But you probably don't. I think you are probably boring, sanctimonious and smug. You're banned. Go and read someone else's book. I don't want you reading mine.

A Debriefing

I am a junior executive working for a large company. I recently attended a conference with my superior. At the end of the first day we had a few drinks and he invited me back to his room for a debriefing. It turned out that 'debriefing' was a literal description of what he wanted to do to me. He didn't touch me but I slapped his face, told him he was a dork and walked out. He apologised the next morning - claiming that he had had a little too much to drink. Do you think I should report my experience to higher authorities? He has been very meek and perfectly proper since that day.

You should report him if you think he is likely to be a danger to any other female employee. Otherwise, I think you should forget what happened. You were a little naive to go to his room for a late night debriefing. And he was clearly out of order. He has apologised. Hopefully, you have both learned a lesson. If you complain you can probably get him fired and break up his marriage. And, who knows, there are probably laws in existence which entitle you to claim damages from the hotel for allowing the incident to take place. You have to decide whether what happened was important enough to play a continuing part in your life - or whether it was just another one of life's seedy and unpleasant experiences to be forgotten about but for ever remembered.

We're Going To End Up In Bed Together

I haven't had sex for six years. Now I'm going out with a man I like. And I think we're going to end up in bed together pretty soon. Do I think I'll remember what to do?

I'm sure you will be surprised at just how quickly it will all come back to you - however long it has been since you had your leg over. Having sex is like riding a bicycle. Both are skills that stay with you for life and both involve a ding-a-ling. Just follow your instincts and you should find that your bells are both soon ringing merrily.

Five Minutes Every Saturday Night

My boyfriend's idea of sex is to climb on top of me for five minutes every Saturday night. I think that maybe I should have realised that sex wasn't his first love when we first started courting. By the end of the first month we were holding hands. After two months he kissed me (but only on the cheek). When he finally invited me back to his place to look at his stamp collection I thought my luck had changed. But, to my intense frustration, he spent three hours showing me his stamp collection - and then sent me home in a taxi! (I was so frustrated that I very nearly invited the taxi driver in to make love to me.) My boyfriend now wants us to move in together. The trouble is that although I like him I do enjoy sex. Is there anything I can do to get him to take a more active interest in the physical side of our relationship? I've tried talking to him about sex but he just gets very embarrassed and tells me that sex is only a small part of a relationship.

He's right that sex is only a small part of a relationship. But that doesn't mean it isn't important. A penis is only a small part of a man's body but it is still pretty damned crucial. I suggest you give your sexually retarded boyfriend one last chance. Buy or rent a blue movie. Cook a candle lit dinner. Put on your sexiest dress and one of those amazing bras which gather up every piece of loose tissue on your body and turns into it breast, and dazzle him with lots of cleavage. And see what happens. If he's still dressed by the time you've finished pudding suggest that you both toss and that whoever comes second washes up. If he reaches into his trousers and gets out a coin, throw him out and remove his name from your little black book.

Early Perpendicular

I am going out with an architect but I know nothing about it. (I even had to look the word up in a dictionary). Do you think I should go to night classes? We seem to get on well together. We both like parties and we have a great sex life.

There is only one aspect of architecture you need worry about. Early perpendicular.

She Had Her Knickers Off Before I'd Boiled The Kettle

I had a date with a beautiful girl last Saturday. I really fancied her - and, she fancied me too! We got back to my place and she had her knickers off before I'd boiled the kettle but even though I wanted her so badly that my balls ached I just couldn't get it up. I was mortified. It has never happened to me before. What I can't understand is that I wanted her more than I've ever wanted any other woman. I rushed to my doctor on Monday morning but he said there was nothing wrong with me. He just sort of laughed and said it was one of those things that happen. I don't think there is anything wrong with the equipment because I had the biggest boner I've ever had two days later. But why did it happen? Probably because you were too anxious to succeed! The penis is a wilful little beast with a mind of its own and the chances are that it simply decided to show you who is boss. Knowing how desperate you were to perform well it downed tools. I suggest that next time you try to relax a little, take your time and spend a little longer on foreplay before you get down to the nitty gritty of lovemaking.

Snotty, Faceless Bastards

How do people who work for large organisations manage to sleep at night? Who are these people? I am fed up of being treated like dirt by snotty, faceless bastards working for big companies and the local council.

People who work for and represent large institutions often perpe- trate outrageous acts of pitiless cruelty without batting an eyelid. If subsequently questioned they defend their actions gestapo style by saying that they were doing 'their jobs' or 'their duty'. In their tiny minds they divorce what they have done from themselves and hand over all responsibility for their evil actions to the faceless institution for which they work. I am constantly amazed at the number of people who will do anything they think the institution for which they work requires them to do - never questioning or doubting their own actions. They feel no need to judge their actions for they believe that they are isolated from the expectations of the world by the might and power of the institution for which they work. I suspect that most of these individuals have done such a good job of convincing themselves that they are genuinely without any personal responsibility for what they do that they feel no remorse for their actions. Being part of an institution turns them into conscienceless social psychopaths. The only consolation for the rest of us is that when they go home, outside the power of their institution, they are treated just as badly and as cruelly by people working for other institutions. When this happens I suspect that they feel the same sense of anger and frustration that you and I feel all the time. The odd thing is that they never seem to recognise that they themselves are part of a similar obscenity. It is a small but sweet consolation to know that the faceless moron who works for the planning department still has to deal with his insurance company (and vice versa).

Spectacular Orgasms

I am having an affair with a woman I met at work. We started going to an aerobics class together about nine months ago. While we were changing after one class she told me that I had beautiful breasts. I was shocked but rather flattered. She reached out and touched my shoulder and before I knew what was happening we were kissing. Despite the fact that the door was unlocked and anyone could have walked in we made love there and then - lying on a towel laid out on one of the benches. It was the first time I'd ever made love to another woman and I had a series of absolutely spectacular orgasms. Now I am beginning to feel guilty about my husband. I have talked things over with my lover and she is keen for me to ask him to join us for a threesome. She is worried that we might have to stop seeing one another if we are found out and thinks that by drawing him into our relationship we will be safe.

Er, pardon me for asking, but has either of you stopped to think about what your husband might feel about all this? Or are you both just assuming that he will be so thrilled to find himself in bed with two women that he won't bat an eyelid when he finds out that you've been playing hide the thimble with someone without a thimble? I think you need to tread very carefully. And before you do anything you need to ask yourself some pretty searching questions. Do you love your husband? Do you care about what he thinks? Is your lesbian affair more or less important than your marriage? If you had to choose between your husband and your lover who would you choose? Do you want him to join your sweet twosome solely so that you can stop feeling guilty or do you genuinely want him to share your fun? You have a lot of questions to ask yourself before you do anything at all. While you produce some answers I suggest that you work hard at remaining discreet. Meanwhile, you have a big advantage - your husband is unlikely to suspect a lesbian affair and so you can continue to see your bosom friend without suspicion mounting.

Smutty Remarks

I recently had quite a shock. I discovered that colleagues at work had found several photographs of me in a 'girlie' magazine. There were, inevitably, lots of smutty remarks. The photographs (in all of which I am completely naked) were taken by a former boyfriend and were never intended for publication. I did not give my permission for the photographs to be used and can only assume that my signature was forged on a release form.

I'm sorry to hear that you've fallen foul of the old 'you show me yours and I'll sell the pictures' trick. Your former boyfriend is one of life's dregs. In a few months time all this will be forgotten but he will still be a dreg. Try to ride out the smutty remarks. Those who are small minded enough to make them will, inevitably, have short memories.

Brutish, Loutish Men

I always try to treat women with respect. But it doesn't get me anywhere. Three times in the last year girlfriends have chucked me and started dating brutish, loutish men who treat them terribly. What do women want?

They want men who make them feel like women. They want a rock who will make them smile. And they want some excitement. They want a romantic man with a whiff of danger about him. They want to be surprised. Women say they want a nice man with nice manners who does the washing up and knows how to change a nappy. Bollocks. Given half a chance 99 out of 100 will trade in the housebroken sweetie for a man's man who has a twinkle in his eye. Women may say they want a gentle, thoughtful man. But do they phooey.

She Flirts With Me All The Time

A girl I work with flirts with me all the time. Neither of us have any personal commitments and I would like to take the next step and ask her out but I am worried in case I make a wrong move and find myself accused of sexual harassment. What would you suggest?

Politely ask her if she would like to join you one evening for din- ner/cinema/theatre/stock-car racing/parachuting/kite flying/whatever. If she says 'no' then back off. If she says 'yes' then let your heart go boom boom tralala and smile at traffic wardens for a whole day.

Creeping Along The Corridor

I was on holiday in Tunisia with my mum and dad. They'd booked it up months before and I'd been dreading it because I thought we'd all have to sit around singing carols and playing Monopoly. But the weather was terrific and there was a gorgeous boy staying in our hotel. The two of us spent our days flirting and sunbathing on the beach. After the fourth evening - which happened to be Christmas Eve - we slept together every night. We had to take it in turns to creep along the corridor to each other's rooms. When we got back home we wrote to one another a few times and met each other once half way. Sadly, away from the sun and the sand the magic didn't seem to be there and things sort of fizzled out. But we had a fantastic fortnight together and I don't regret it one little bit. It was by far the sexiest Christmas I've ever had. This isn't really a question. I just thought I'd tell you about it. I spent one Christmas working in a medium sized hospital in the north of England. The hospital was undergoing major reconstruction and was almost empty of patients. There were lorries and scaffolding everywhere. The place looked more like a builder's yard than a hospital. There weren't any seriously ill patients to look after. There were twin sisters working on one ward. I fancied them both but didn't know which one to ask out. They were absolutely gorgeous and completely identical: nearly six feet tall, red hair, 38DD and legs as long as childhood summers. I had to work through from Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day and so I couldn't leave the hospital. On the morning of Christmas Eve I invited one of the twins (both of whom had Christmas off) back to my room to have a Christmas drink and to listen to a Harry Nilsson record I'd been given. In the afternoon I saw what I thought was the same twin and told her not to forget to come to my room at 8.0 clock. But it wasn't the same girl. And when I opened the door at five past eight both of them were standing there. I was young enough, naive enough and innocent enough to be embarrassed but they weren't. And they knew exactly what they were doing. An hour later all three of us were in bed together. And that is where we stayed for the next 48 hours. I got out of bed only to do ward rounds, check on my patients and answer my bleep. I didn't sleep for two days and three nights but I had the sexiest Christmas you could ever dream of. I left the hospital shortly afterwards and never saw either of them again. I wonder if they still remember that Christmas? This isn't really an answer. But since you shared yours with me I thought I'd share mine with you.

I Want To Be More Adventurous

I am in my mid thirties but have only ever had sex in the missionary position. I would very much like to be more adventurous but am not sure what to do. My partner does not know that I am writing this letter.

You are clearly going to have to take the initiative. Wait until there is a very slightly 'blue' movie on the TV. Have a couple of glasses of something giggly (a great excuse to behave a little out of character). Give him a couple of glasses of something giggly (to get his inhibitions down around his ankles). Then slowly start to undress him (thereby making it clear that you are taking the initiative). Once you've got his trousers down alongside his inhibitions you can start doing the things bad girls do oh so well. Make it a Christmas present he will never forget.

Forgotten Promises

I spent the week before Christmas working at our local Post Office, helping to deliver the Christmas mail. It was my first holiday from college. On my third day, after I'd finished work, I was waiting at a bus stop when I met another temporary postman whom I vaguely knew. His name was Terry and six months earlier we'd been at school together but I don't think we'd ever spoken to one another. We got chatting as we stood there in the freezing cold and he suggested that we pop into a cafe for a cup of tea. Outside it was snowing but inside the cafe it was wonderfully cosy. We ate hot tea cakes dripping with butter and drank huge mugs of steaming hot tea. He reached across the table and held my hand and I knew we were going to make love. I had a steady boyfriend at college but all my promises of fidelity were forgotten. We made love for the first time in a shop doorway with a storm raging all around us. We didn't take any clothes off - just unfastened our jeans and did it standing up. We'd have frozen to death if we'd undressed. He didn't have any contraceptives and so we took a chance. I got home at eleven that night and my father was furious. I met Terry every day after that and spent Christmas Day with him in the park. We had sandwiches for our Christmas lunch. We made love in a park shelter, on a bench and on the grass. By the end of the holiday I was sore from all the screwing, my parents weren't talking to me and I had a stinking cold. But it was the best and sexiest Christmas I'd ever had and I didn't even worry about being pregnant. When I got back to college I broke it off with my steady boyfriend. Six months later I left college and Terry and I married. I had Barbara, our first baby, on September 25th - exactly 9 months after I'm sure she was conceived. She was a real Christmas love child. She is getting married in April.

Thank you for your lovely story. I do hope that the Post Office is still hiring students for the pre-Christmas postal rush. I remember delivering the mail too. We had coaches and horses, men with big, long horns, and stamps which were black, cost a penny each. I can still remember how difficult it was to undo a bra under a vest, a shirt, three jumpers and a duffle coat (and how difficult it was for her to do it up again later).

Everyone Has To Earn A Living

Why are you so rude about insurance salesmen? Everyone has to earn a living.

What you do is what you are. In my view insurance companies are, generally speaking, among the most bureaucratic and unpleasant organisations in the world. It seems to me that most seduce the poor with promises they never intend to keep, terrify decent, hard working folk with horror stories and make themselves rich at everyone else's expense. And yet, I believe that when disaster strikes many insurance companies find an excuse not to pay out; there is, it seems, always a clause that enables them to keep their wallets shut. I think that if insurance companies were people they would stand at the bar accepting drinks - but would never buy a round of their own. Sadly, in my view selling insurance of any kind is a low life job that merely encourages the perpetuation of a massive twentieth century confidence trick. If you want to hold your head high then I suggest you find yourself a proper job, preferably making a worthwhile contribution to society. There are, I hear, plenty of openings for deck chair attendants in the Sahara. Or you could always apply for a post as a counter clerk at the National Sperm Bank.

I Like The Feel Of Them

I enjoy wearing women's underwear - particularly panties. I wear them all the time and have done so for several years. I like the feel of them against my skin. I am heterosexual and like all the usual 'male' hobbies such as football and tinkering about with cars. My girlfriend knows and doesn't mind - in fact she says that she gets turned on when she sees me dressed in lacy underwear. Do you think I am abnormal? Should I talk to my doctor about this?

Why on earth do you want to talk to your doctor? For heavens sake, some doctors are so totally out of touch that they think crossdressing is an illness! And why, prithee, are you worried about whether or not you are 'normal'? What is 'normal'? I am assured that there are people who regard Tory politicians as 'normal'. In a world in which governments, scientists and businessmen regularly lie and cheat the wearing of clothing normally associated with the other sex is hardly something to get excited about. Please relax and enjoy; there is absolutely no need to get your lace edged panties in a twist.

Second Hand Underwear

Is it true that some women sell their used panties? My wife doesn't believe me that this really goes on.

It is true. The sale of second hand underwear is one of the fastest growing businesses in the world today. (In posh parts of the South where there is still a certain delicacy about these matters the phrase 'previously worn' is preferred). Those innocents who claim that men and women are now equal should remember this: women live longer, they can retire earlier and they can sell their dirty knickers. Try selling your baggy old frayed Y fronts and you'll find out just how far equality really stretches.

Nerve-wracking, Uncomfortable And Not Enjoyable

I had sex last Saturday for the first time in four years. I found it rather nerve-wracking, very uncomfortable and not particularly enjoyable. I was desperate to satisfy my partner but both of us ended up frustrated. I visited my doctor for a check up but he said that everything down below was perfectly normal and healthy. I'm concerned because I used to enjoy sex a lot. Do you think I will ever enjoy sex again?

Enjoying sex is, as I have said before, a bit like riding a bicycle. It's tricky to start with but the more you do it the better you get. Have a long lay off, however, and the skills get a bit rusty - however good you were. Climb on a bicycle and you'll be a bit nervous and wobbly if it is a few years since you last had your leg over. Climb into bed with a new lover and you'll be a trifle apprehensive and tense. I suggest that you give yourself a little time to recapture the knack. Take things gently for a while. You don't have to try any daring tricks until you feel ready.

Thrush

Why is candida infection also known as thrush?

Because until recently it was thought that the organism was trans- mitted via the well known garden song bird of that name. It was thought that the infection was transmitted from one human to another when the bird landed on underwear drying on the washing line. Short sighted scientists working in Bruges have now produced evidence showing that this theory is falsely based. They considered numerous possible candidates - including all game birds, the humming bird and the crested coot - before coming to the conclusion that the sea bird known as the shag is responsible. A spokesman for the European Union has decreed that in future women with candida infections will be expected to say 'I'm suffering from shag' rather than 'I've got thrush'.

Trouble Picking Up Girls

I have trouble picking up girls. Can you give me any advice?

Unreliable research performed by recalcitrant entomologists at the Institute of Hairstyling in Piddling Under Water has shown, almost without doubt, that the most popular and effective pick up line is still: 'Do you come here often?', preferably with extra emphasis being given to the third word. According to the Government's new Department of Sexual Records this single, moss covered chat up line has, to date, been responsible for 845,283,845 sexually active relationships and 56,219,945 unwanted pregnancies. Bathe thoroughly enough to eradicate all unpleasant personal odours and wear at least one item of clean clothing and then visit almost any hostelry south of Inverness and recite this line at regular five minute intervals and your chances of scoring are considerably better than those of anyone playing for a home international football side.

Washed And Rinsed

A few months ago while my wife was loading the washing machine I said what a pity it was that no one had invented a machine you could get in to wash your clothes and your body at the same time. I did not expect what happened next. My wife ran the bath and asked me to get in with my clothes on. She then washed and rinsed me and dried me with the hot air fan. Afterwards I lay on the bed and she ironed me. She found this all very exciting and I found it very relaxing. We now do it every Monday night. Do you think it could be dangerous? As long as your wife doesn't plug the iron in I can't see that you are in too much danger. But being ironed every week could bring you some unusual advantages. After a few months you should be thin enough to slip through the railings at football matches. And after a year or so you should be able to stay dry in rainstorms by using a ruler as an umbrella.

Turned On By Gay Men (And I'm A Woman)

I am a married woman. I am really turned on by gay men. I find the thought of men kissing, fondling and having sex extremely erotic. I love watching films with even a vague homosexual content. My husband thinks I am weird. Do you think I have a problem?

No. An entirely unreliable survey of female shop assistants showed that 57% were turned on by the thought of men kissing one another. Since far more reliable surveys have shown that 99.99% of men are turned on by watching (or thinking about) women having lesbian sex this research simply confirms that what is good for the gander is just as good for the goose.

Stockings And Suspenders

My husband wants me to wear stockings and suspenders in bed. I feel rather embarrassed about the idea. Do you think it is a perverted thing to do? He says it will really turn him on. Do you think it will do anything for me?

As perversions go, and on a scale of 1 to 100, wearing stockings and a suspender belt in bed rate a 3. If the stockings and suspender belt are red the rating goes up to 4. If the stockings are fishnet the rating goes up to 5. If your wearing stockings turns him on then I can pretty well guarantee that it will do something pretty good for you too.

I Can't Hold Out

Is it possible to have sex without losing your virginity? I want to be a virgin when I marry but I don't think I can hold out that long.

General speaking virginity is like a balloon: one prick and it's gone.

Two Sorts Of People

We agree entirely with your loathing of traffic wardens, lawyers, politicians and bureaucrats but do you have any explanation for the fact that the world seems to be run by nasty people when there are so many nice people around?

The world is divided into two sorts of people. On the one hand are those who are kind, gentle hearted, good spirited and generous. On the other hand are those who are mean spirited, evil, cruel, ruthless and driven by selfishness. It is those in this second category who invariably yearn for and attain positions of authority. Their ruthlessness and single minded self interest means that they have a huge advantage over thoughtful individuals who are hampered in life's battle by a sense of decency and fair play. It is, therefore, the cruel and ruthless who snatch all the power in our society. The truly intellectually disadvantaged become traffic wardens, insurance company employees, politicians and lawyers. The ever-so-slightly brighter ones become industry bosses and civil servants. In times of war these are the people who run gas chambers. In times of peace these are the people who simply make life miserable for the kindly and soft hearted.

Married In A Month

I am getting married in a month's time. But I am very worried that I may not be able to cope with my husband. A mutual male friend, who knows my husband to be well and has seen him in the showers at the local swimming baths, laughed when I told him about our impending marriage. He said I'd be walking bandy legged when I came back from our honeymoon. When I asked him what he meant and why he was laughing he wouldn't tell me at first. Later, when I insisted, he told me that my husband to be is unusually well endowed in the diddling stick department. Not realising that I am a virgin and that my husband to be and I are determined to keep such pleasures of the flesh for our wedding night he was surprised that I didn't know. Do you think I will be able to cope? Should I be doing any special exercises to prepare myself? A friend suggested that I experiment with a pencil but surely his diddling stick can't be anywhere near that big?

I never fail to be amazed at the euphemisms people use to describe parts of the human body. Another reader, with a similar anxiety to yours, this week described her intended as having a 'significantly larger than average pleasure wand'. How delightfully quaint. Although I am relieved to say that I have neither examined nor measured your husband to be's diddling stick, and therefore cannot base this observation on any scientific data, the chances are that it will turn out to be rather shorter but considerable thicker than a pencil. I am, of course, assuming that we are both referring to a pencil which has not been exposed to the shortening rigours of a penknife or a sharpener. Gentle experiments with a sterile, freshly washed and hygienically wrapped finger (preferably one of your own rather than a chocolate covered one which might prove to be rather messy) may help prepare you for your honeymoon night. In view of your husband to be's alleged size you could, if it feels appropriate, add a second, or even third, finger for added verisimilitude. The finger (or fingers) must be 100% clean.

An Extremely Worrying Condition

My husband is a social worker.

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is a social worker. Sadly, I know of no treatment for this extremely worrying condition. I can only suggest that you leave him as quickly as possible. Go quietly and get as far away as you can before he realises that you have gone. Social workers are a major menace to our society and if you stay with him there is a real danger that you will contract the condition yourself. Ten years ago the symptoms of being a social worker used to be staring eyes, sandals, a large, straggly beard and a complete absence of any sensible thought processes but in recent years the high salaries paid to social workers mean that the superficial symptoms have changed slightly (though the complete absence of any sensible thought processes has remained). It is now often difficult to identify anyone suffering from being a social worker since so many with the disorder look like fairly ordinary estate agents, insurance salesmen, off duty traffic wardens and so on.

In The Back Seat Of The Car

Although we have been married five years and have our own home my wife only really likes sex when we have it in the back seat of our car. It is, she says, the only way she can have an orgasm. The problem is that because we are both quite large (I am 6 foot 2 inches tall and weigh 15 stones and my wife is 5 foot 7 inches tall and weighs 11 stones) I always have to have a large car. I would prefer to buy something smaller and more economical but my wife won't hear of it. At the moment I drive a very old Volvo estate car because with the seats folded down at the back there is plenty of room for us to have sex.

Buy a huge old car and drag the back seat into the spare bedroom. Draw the curtains, blindfold the wife and tell her to sit in the back while you drive her into the country. Make brrrrmm brrrrmm noises and wobble the car seat around a bit to convince her that you really are taking her for a ride. After twenty minutes of this jump alongside her and remove your trousers. For extra realism give a neighbour ten bob to poke a torch through the curtains and shout: 'Ullo, ullo! What's going on 'ere then?' at the critical moment.

Sexist

If you do not abandon your sexist attitudes I intend to complain about you to the proper authorities.

Shucks. You noticed. I confess that I am delighted that there are major differences between men and women. But I really don't think you should be worrying your pretty little head over complicated things like this, my dear. Shouldn't you be busy bending over a basket of ironing, sewing buttons on and ironing socks? Or up to your elbows in flour baking scones? If you must complain do you mind doing so to the 'improper' authorities? The 'proper' ones are far too boring.

Stripping Is Fun

On Saturday and Sunday lunchtimes I work as a stripper. It is good fun and I enjoy it. The money is useful too because I've got two young kids and I don't know where my husband is. I work at quite a few different venues - mostly pubs - and most of the customers are really nice. The odd one or two want to come home with me but I can handle them and I don't get many hassles. Last Saturday I suddenly realised that my dad was in the audience at the pub where I was due to strip. I didn't want to go on but the manager said I had to. I was very embarrassed but what made it worse was the fact that my dad stayed for the whole show. Afterwards he waited for me in the car park, called me all sorts of names - including a cheap tart - said I was a disgrace to the family and told me I was never to go round and see him and my mum again. I don't mind not seeing him - he's always been a bastard and he tried to touch me up when I was a kid - but I would be heartbroken if I thought I'd never see my mum again.

Your dad is no gentleman but he is a hypocrite. (If he had been a gentleman he would have left as soon as he saw that you were the stripper. He is a hypocrite because it was OK for him to watch a strip show but not OK for you to perform). I suggest that you contact your mum when your dad is not around and tell her exactly what happened. The chances are that your dad hasn't had the guts to tell her about your meeting. In order to get you into trouble he has to confess that he was in the audience and my guess is that he won't have the bottle. I suspect and hope that your mum will see things rather differently.

A Challenge

Thank you for giving us so many laughs. However, I do not believe that the letters you print are true. If you print this I will put on my sexiest underwear and drag my partner off to bed.

If you are challenging me how come your partner gets the prize?

Away From Home

My husband is a sailor and is away from home for months at a time. We keep in touch by writing one another letters twice a week. Just over a year ago my husband, who knows that I am quite highly sexed, wrote to me asking if I had been getting my oven cleaned by any strangers. I wrote and posted to him a special fantasy in which I described how I had made love to three strangers I had met in a pub. He was, as I knew he would be, extremely excited by this and wrote back asking me to describe more of my sexual adventures. I now send him fresh fantasies every week. I get turned on by writing them and he gets turned on by reading them. Do you think he would mind if I turned some of my fantasies into reality? I know several local men who would be only too happy to help me do this. There are one or two who have offered to help me out with cash if I give them a good time. The money would be very welcome too.

I suspect that turning your fantasies into reality would be a great mistake. Your fantasy letters undoubtedly help your husband to do a little maritime timber shivering. But I doubt if he would be quite so thrilled if he knew that you were renting out space to strangers. Buy yourself eight inches of heavy duty pink plastic and a pack of long life batteries and keep dreaming.

Tied To The Bed

The other night we were fooling around when my girlfriend tied my hands to the bed with her stockings. She then stripped me and used her mouth to give me the biggest erection I think I've ever had. I was desperate and begged her for sex but after she had stripped off to her undies she calmly picked up the telephone and called a friend. After a while she told her friend that she would have to go because my erection was wilting and needed more attention. She then explained to her friend exactly what she'd done - and when I heard her telling her friend about me my erection was quickly restored to its former glory. The friend didn't believe my girlfriend and a few moments later my girlfriend told me that her friend was coming round to have a look for herself. I protested and tried to escape but my girlfriend just wasn't listening. When her friend arrived the two of them just stared at me and stood there talking about the penises of men they'd known. My erection shrivelled away and I begged them to untie me and let me get dressed but they didn't listen. Eventually my girlfriend used her tongue to lick me back into shape while her friend watched. They then put a condom on me and took it in turns to ride me. I came while I was inside my girlfriend but it could just as easily have been the friend. Now I feel really used and I haven't seen my girlfriend since then. I'm thinking of telling her that I want to split up. I probably wouldn't have minded so much if she'd called another girl but the friend who came round was a bloke I've met once or twice in a local pub. I didn't even know he was gay or bisexual.

Your girlfriend broke the rules. Both she and her friend had sex with you against your will - and that is rape. I suggest you let your girlfriend know that you regard the relationship as over.

Dressing In Rubber

My boyfriend and I both enjoy dressing in rubber when we have sex. Are we perverts?

Yes. But who cares? And look on the bright side. Yours is a hobby you can enjoy even when its raining and the roof leaks.

They Make Me Feel A Failure

My parents constantly make me feel a failure. My brother has a very nice house and a smart company car. I have a rather poorly paying job (which I enjoy) and live in a modest, terraced house. How can I convince them that I enjoy my life and am quite happy with the way things have turned out for me? Whenever my mum and dad visit they always tell me about my brother's latest possession. It is clear that they feel that by doing so they will 'kick start' me into trying harder.

Ignore your parents - who sound as though they are true remnants from the era of greed. Achievements, talents and skills are far more important than possessions. And it is much better to have a job you enjoy, than to have a job you hate and a large car in the garage.

Discrimination

The list of names of people who work with you suggests to us that you have a hiring policy which discriminates in favour of women. Unless we receive written confirmation from you that this is not the case this department will take the appropriate action under code 4B of the 1987 Act.

Thank you for your boring letter. How kind of you to write. It is nonsense to suggest that I discriminate in favour of women. I am proud to be an equal opportunity employer. Anyone is welcome to apply for a job here and as long as they have breasts they have an equal chance of getting a job. Research has shown that people with breasts are much better suited to the work and so this has become a requirement. It is a coincidence that most of the people who satisfy this requirement are women.

No Time To Get Fit

I feel I would like to get fit but I just don't have the time to exercise. Do you have any suggestions?

You could give a kid a tenner to go for a walk for you two or three times a week. This won't make any difference to your health or your fitness level but the kid you choose will eventually end up healthy and wealthy so your short and oh so terribly busy life will not have been entirely in vain. Or you could reorganise your life so that you can find three thirty minute spots a week in which you can exercise. The choice is yours.

Turned On

I am a lorry driver and my girlfriend is a nurse. She works very strange hours and so we have to make love when we can. Sometimes we go for ten days without seeing one another. It can get very frustrating. A few months ago, after we hadn't seen one another for eight days, I sneaked into the nurses' home at the hospital and we started to make love without bothering to get undressed. I found myself turned on by making love to her while she was still wearing her uniform. Since then she has always kept her uniform on for sex and we find it gives us both a terrific kick. Sometimes I pretend I am a patient. I lie on the bed while she gives me a bed bath and I slide a hand up her dress or start fondling one of her breasts. Do you think this is developing into a fetish? Is it dangerous?

If you enjoy having sex while your girlfriend is still wearing her nurse's uniform then that's just a bit kinky. If you can't have sex unless she is still wearing her uniform then it is a fetish. If you can't have sex unless you are wearing her uniform then its a kinky fetish. But why worry? The only problem is that if you part company you have to persuade your next partner to dress up as a nurse so that you can enjoy sex.

Knickers Off

My husband gets really excited if I leave my knickers off when we go out to a party or to the cinema. Is he unusual?

Unreliable research done by a team of nymphomaniacs, all of whom had a lot of experience under their belts, has shown that 102.54% of men under the age of 93 are turned on by the thought that a woman is wearing less than the normal socially required complement of underwear. (For readers in Scotland who, I know, find subtleties rather hard to grasp, this means wearing no knickers). The research, which involved a good deal of hanky panky and not a little panky hanky, showed quite conclusively that women who leave home wearing no knickers are 42% more likely to come home feeling sexually satisfied than women who leave home wearing knickers. They are also less likely to develop thrush and more likely to develop a common condition know technically as fanny frigidus.

Degrading To Women

My boss, who is a woman, will not let us decorate our working area with sexy pin ups. She says they are degrading to women.

What absolute cobblers. I never fail to be amazed at the excuses there are for prudery in this miserable, bureaucrat stained world of ours. I was once invited to talk on the wireless about a sex survey I had conducted. Just as I was about to go on the air the presenter asked me not to use the word 'sex' because it might upset the station manager. He said he might lose his job if I used the word. So I did an entire twelve minute interview about my sex survey without once mentioning the word 'sex'. I sometimes wonder if the listeners had any idea what we were talking about.

I Really Like Breasts

My wife does not like me touching her breasts. I find this a real disappointment because I really like breasts.

It all depends on how you define 'touching'. Most women enjoy having their breasts fondled, kissed, nibbled, sucked or licked as long as everything is done gently. But most women don't enjoy having their breasts pulled, groped, yanked or treated like badly behaved puppies. One woman who wrote to me complained that when her boyfriend got to work on her chest she always got the feeling that he was trying to tear her breasts off her chest wall so that he could take them home with him. Try being a little more gentle and you may get lucky.

Frigid And Repressed

My girlfriend is frigid. She is terribly repressed and thinks anyone who enjoys sex is a pervert. She wears really boring underwear - usually a white cotton vest, a white bra that looks like a jumble sale leftover and a pair of white knickers made out of something that feels like well worn corduroy. She will only let me make love to her when the lights are off, won't let me see her naked and never lets herself have an orgasm. I have tried, without success, to explain to her that there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex.

Talk to your girlfriend and try to find out why she is so repressed about sex. Why does she feel guilty about enjoying her body? The chances are that her fears are a result of something she learned as a child. If you can persuade her to relax, let herself go and overcome those ingrained inhibitions then you may find that she turns into an insatiable sex kitten eager to make up for all those missed orgasms. If you manage to loosen the inhibitions only a little then you may find that she enjoys spanking and mild bondage games where she can enjoy herself, be punished and avoid any blame for the fun she's having. If your attempts to free your girlfriend from her restraining guilts are a complete failure you may be better off taking her to a car boot sale and bringing back something useful. The sexually inhibited tend to become increasingly morose and bitter as the years go by.

Rotten Drivers

Why are women such rotten drivers?

Research done by a posse of Dutch clog carvers has uncovered two reasons why women make bad drivers: their breasts get in the way of the steering wheel and periodic surges of hormones affect their judgement and their abilities to make rapid decisions. On the other hand extensive research done by a team of East Anglian lumberjacks failed to find any scientific explanation for the fact that men are such bloody awful drivers but they did come to the conclusion that the amount of courtesy a male driver shows to other road users is in inverse proportion to the size of his penis. Incidentally, a secret government enquiry (the findings of which were suppressed by the motor car industry) concluded that our roads would be much safer and road accident deaths would be reduced by 98.6% if neither men nor women were allowed to drive.

A Free Toaster

I have complained about you.

Jolly good. I only need another 22 complaints and I get a free toaster.

Posing Nude

My boyfriend is a professional glamour photographer. He takes pictures for several mens' magazines. He has asked me to model for him. I've got a good figure and he says I could earn big money by posing nude. I'm quite keen but I'm a bit worried about where it will all lead. I don't want to get mixed up in making porno movies! I talked to mum about it and she was shocked. She says that its only a tiny step from posing nude to prostitution. Do you think she is right?

Your mum is talking through the wrong aperture. Posing for nude photographs isn't an inevitable step on a career ladder to prostitution. The fact that someone has a driving licence doesn't mean that they have to become a getaway driver for a gang of bank robbers. It is your body and you must decide what you want to do with it and how much of it you are prepared to share with complete strangers.

Limp Or Firm

My girlfriend and I want to measure my penis but we aren't sure how to do it. Should we measure it limp or firm? Which side should we measure? We started off trying to measure it limp but then it went all firm and we got distracted and forgot about the measuring. Afterwards, by the time we'd found where we'd put the ruler it had gone limp.

The rules for penis measurement were formulated by the World Health Official Perky Penis Association (known to its many friends as WHOPPA) which is based close to the village of Scrotum just below Cardigan. But why bother? It sounds to me as though you are doing just fine.

I Play With Myself

I play with myself several times a week. Is this likely to damage my health?

The only hazard is that if you play with yourself too often you could become a politician. An American University in Ohio has an officially recognised Masturbation Society. Enthusiasts tell any lonely student who is interested to 'come by yourself'.

A Lot Of Erections

I am 17. My problem is that I get a lot of erections. My penis often stays that way for ages. I have tried restraining it with sticky tape. I do not approve of masturbation. Put the sticky tape away. As long as your erections come and go in the regular way your problem is simply a normal consequence of being seventeen. Teenage erections may come for no apparent reason: circulating hormones and external, erotic stimulations can all be to blame. Within a few years you will look back upon these bountiful days of plenty with a green eyed memory. If your bulge embarrasses you then wear baggy clothing or long jumpers to maintain your secret.

Bigger Breasts

I have decided to have my breasts made bigger. I would be grateful if you would tell me everything I need to know - including the cost and the name of a reliable surgeon. I trust you and would value your opinion.

If you really trust me then follow my advice and forget all about surgery. I only ever recommend surgery as a last resort and I never recommend surgery to people who want bigger breasts, prettier noses or longer penises. If you want a bigger bust buy a Wonderbra, an Ultrabra or any other similar piece of figure enhancing underwear, but don't allow a qualified vandal with a big chopper to slice open your body. No surgical procedure is entirely safe. If the surgery is being done to save your life then the risks are probably worthwhile. But if the surgery is being done for cosmetic, sexual or social reasons then the risks are, in my view, unacceptable.

A Rather Embarrassing Condition

I recently had time off work with a rather embarrassing condition. I told everyone I had a bad leg. But when I returned to work I found that my doctor had written the real diagnosis on my sick note. Now everyone knows what was wrong with me. Whatever happened to medical confidentiality?

I sympathise with you entirely. When I worked as a GP a patient whom I was treating for depression came to see me for a sick note. Rather diffidently, he asked if I would mind not writing the details of the nature of his illness on his sick note. He said that if his employers found out that he had suffered from depression he would lose his job. I wrote down 'viral infection' instead of 'depression'. A day or two later another patient had a similar request. She was pregnant. She told me that if I wrote down why she was away from work all her workmates would know within five minutes. After that I stopped putting diagnoses on sick notes. On some I wrote 'viral infection'. On others I squiggled. The bureaucrats did not approve of this. I was hauled in front of a committee. The committee told me that I was obliged to put accurate diagnoses on sick notes. I refused. They fined me. I carried on the same as before. I was told that I would be called before the committee and fined again. And again. I then resigned from general practice. A little while later the rules relating to sick notes were changed. Next time, I suggest that you explain to your doctor that by writing too much detail on your sick notes he is breaching your confidentiality.

Bitter Taste

My girlfriend likes performing oral sex on me but does not like the bitter taste. Is there anything I can do to alter the taste?

The taste of your semen may be influenced by what you eat. Ex- periment with your diet until she licks her lips and asks for seconds. I am reliably informed that celery and pineapple are worth trying.

A Miserly Allowance

My husband gives me a miserly clothes allowance. What can I do?

Your problem is not a new one. I am reminded of Napoleon and Josephine. The Empress Josephine (36-42-46) loved clothes. When Napoleon told her that he would only pay reasonable bills she trotted along to the War Minister and told him to pay her dressmaker's bill out of war funds. The War Minister did as he was told and the French subsequently lost Genoa as a result. If your husband stands firm on this issue and you do not have access to government funds you could perhaps get yourself a job and earn the additional funds you need yourself. (Was that a scream of outrage I heard?)

A Brief Affair

Three years ago I had a brief affair with another woman. This has been burning a hole in my conscience ever since it happened. I would like to tell my wife to get it off my chest? Do you think I should?

No. You had the fun of the affair and now you must put up with the pain and the guilt. Telling your wife may make you feel better but it is going to cause her much hurt and heartache. Remember: we only upset ourselves by our sins but we upset others by our confessions.

Fakes!

I recently discovered that some of the signs warning motorists that there are cameras around to check on their speed are false. I am told that in some areas there are far more signs than cameras. Worse still I found out that some of the cameras are fakes too! I thought the authorities were supposed to be honest?

I too find all this very disturbing. How can we trust road signs now that we know that the authorities are putting up fakes? How do we know for sure that there really is a dangerous bend coming up?

A Woman's Job

My wife wants to start a career. I want her to stay at home. Who is right? I think a woman's job is in the home, looking after things and making the man's life as comfortable as possible.

You will probably be interested in the work of Professor Rupert Bare-Knuckle. I am unreliable informed that Bare-Knuckle, decerebrate table tennis ball designer and lightweight European hopping champion (1954-57), claims in a new pamphlet that women are totally unsuitable for positions of responsibility. My unreliable information tells me that Bare-Knuckle points out that women openly admit that when they are under the age of 50 their emotions are at the mercy of their hormones for one week out of every four. He adds that for several years in the middle of their lives, when they might expect to be holding positions of considerable power and responsibility, women live in a state of hormonal turmoil. The Professor, who died three years ago but still lives in a suburban flat with two goldfish and a fine collection of traditional tea towels, and is the star of a forthcoming TV series, says that these hormonal uncertainties provide scientific evidence for the suggestion, rapidly gaining popularity in intellectual circles, that women are best suited for ironing, washing up and other domestic chores.

Dampened

I always come too soon. I have had 27 girlfriends in the last 2 years. None of them have given me a second chance. I always seem to get too excited. They say that by coming too soon I dampen their enthusiasm.

There is a chance that by coming too soon you will dampen more than their enthusiasm. Stockings, underwear, dresses, car seats and sofa cushions may all be at risk.

Why Are People So Mean?

Why are people so mean? We have just bought a new house. When we moved in we discovered that the people selling the house had removed all the light bulbs and even some of the light fittings.

Friends of mine recently had an even worse experience when they moved house. On moving in day they found that the vendors had removed the lawn (they had rolled it up and taken it away to put down in their own new garden) all the doors and the skirting boards. Even the doorbell had gone.

Sexy Underwear

Is it true that most women don't like wearing sexy underwear? I recently read an article in which the author (I think it was a woman) claimed that women hate being bought stockings and suspenders, lacy bras and skimpy nightwear. Is this true? Am I odd? My husband often buys me sexy lingerie but I often buy it for myself too. The article had been used as wrapping paper and so I don't know where it originally appeared.

I haven't seen the article you mention but, no, I don't think you are odd at all. A report from a team of incontinent archaeologists shows that an astonishing 96% of normal, healthy women enjoy wearing sexy underwear and nightwear. And most like it even more if they haven't had to pay for it. Sheik Rattle'n'Roll (56-56-56), who knows nothing much at all about a wide variety of subjects and is therefore regarded as an expert on netball, middle eastern issues, twentieth century literature and aeronautical engineering (and who is famous for having once said that he does not regard ignorance as any barrier to success in the posh bits of the media) tells me that he has teams of scientists working on a project designed to find unreliable evidence to show that women who disapprove of sexy lingerie are of lower intelligence than other women.

The Necessities Of Life

I want money - lots and lots of it - but however hard I try I can't win the lottery. State benefits are useless. The boring old farts who decide how much to give us obviously don't know the price of the necessities of life such as booze, fags and E tablets. I can spend all I get for a week in one night out at a club! I don't see why I should have to worry about money.

For once in my life I am shocked to discover that I am on the side of the boring old farts. I know it is an outdated, and in some circles revolutionary, concept but maybe you should consider doing some w-o-r-k to earn the money you desire. Have you ever thought of yourself as a greedy, lazy, parasite? If not then perhaps you should. It seems to me that you are searching for the false security of dependence whereas the truth is that the only real security is to be obtained through independence.

My Doctor's Advice

I used to be a vegetarian but had to give up, on my doctor's advice, when I became anaemic. He says we all have to eat meat. My doctor says you are a menace to society and should be locked up. He says you have no right to publish your opinions in a national newspaper. He says your books should all be burnt. He says he is writing to complain about you. He says that the drug companies are all run by very honest people. He says the government wouldn't allow them to stay in business if they weren't doing a good job. He also says that a lot of very important, successful and wealthy doctors dislike you so you must be wrong in everything you say.

I'm not bothered by your doctor's dislike of me. Indeed, I would be worried if I found out that the medical establishment approved of anything I had written. We have different aims and ambitions. (Mine is simple: to tell the truth and try and make the world a better place. You'll have to guess what their aims and ambitions are.) But I'm disturbed by your doctor's clinical ignorance. Are you sure you didn't go through the wrong door and get your medical advice from an ironmonger or cobbler by mistake? (His advice certainly sounds like a lot of old cobblers). A good, well balanced vegetarian diet will contain plenty of iron. Iron is found in green, leafy vegetables, nuts, cereals and beans. Maybe your doctor secretly hates you and is encouraging you to eat meat because he wants you to develop cancer and die soon.

Navel Fluff

Is it true that scientists can now make diagnoses from the colour and quantity of navel fluff?

I have no doubt that, as we speak, highly paid scientists in univer- sities all over the world are studying navel fluff. Their own.

A Shapely Chest And A Small Bikini

My wife and I were on holiday recently. While walking along the sea front she noticed me admiring a young girl with a particularly shapely chest and an unusually small bikini top. She was in a rotten mood for the rest of the day. She has told me that if she catches me looking at another girl she will go back to her mother.

I'm sorry to hear that your wife disapproves of the well established sport of boob watching. What a miserable old hag she is. I suggest you give her an open train ticket so that she can buzz off whenever the fancy takes her. Make sure that you buy a single rather than a return otherwise she might come back. You will, I feel sure, be relieved to know that August 14th has been officially designated International Breast Watching Day. On that day men and women all over the world will be admiring breasts. And do please keep practising after that day. If you do really well you may get into your National Breast Watching Team - and may even represent your country at the next Olympics where, for the first time, breast watching will be an official Olympic sport.

The Ugliest Person In The World

If your photograph is anything to go by you are the ugliest person in the world.

This may well be true. But there is one big benefit: I never have to look at myself. And according to the Prophet Gilbert, quoted extensively in Jeremy's Epistle to the League of Indentured Marsupials, it is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not.

I Treat Him Like A Slave

A few months ago I asked my boyfriend to move out of my flat. He was very upset and pleaded with me to let him stay. I agreed on condition that he abided by my rules. Since then he has carried out all the housework and I treat him like a slave. I often make him dress in women's clothes. He looks very fetching in a French Maid's uniform when doing the hoovering and the polishing. At first he was reluctant but the new relationship has brought out his submissive nature, just as it has brought out my hitherto dormant dominant nature. I still love him, but in a different way. Occasionally, as a special reward I let him have sex but usually I just make him masturbate as this really turns me on. I make him perform oral on me whenever I demand. After being with a fairly boring and selfish partner I now enjoy the attentions of a dedicated, hard working, anxious to please servant.

It is often said that for a relationship to succeed there must be some give and take. You and your partner seem to have discovered a variation on the perfect relationship: he gives and you take. Since you both seem to be happy with this balance I can see no reason why you should not continue to enjoy one another in this relatively unusual way for many years to come. (I have a powerful feeling that approximately 76% of the population will read your letter with a certain amount of envy.)

A Computer Freak

My boyfriend is a computer freak. He works with computers and spends much of his free time with his computer. I recently found him sitting in front of his computer masturbating. He confessed that he was having what he called 'cybersex' with a woman called Dolly who lives in California. He told me that he regularly had 'cybersex' both with this blonde called Dolly (who apparently has a 44 DD chest) and with quite a number of other women. He says that it wasn't being unfaithful and that he didn't see why he should stop.

I don't think you need worry too much about 'Dolly'. 'She' is prob- ably male, in his early twenties, overweight, a burger addict and the proud owner of an olive green anorak - in other words a real nerd. Most cybersex affairs consist of two sad nerds, separated by many miles of telephone cable, eagerly tossing themselves off into paper tissues. It's the only way the average computer freak can turn software into hardware and then back again into software. If this is the twentieth century computer freak's idea of great romance then the word 'sad' is probably the most appropriate description I can think of. Try asking your boyfriend what is missing from your relationship - and what he is trying to replace by these sorry masturbatory adventures. Does he want more sex or more excitement? Can you re-boot your relationship? If he refuses to talk or tell you what he wants from you (and life) then perhaps you should simply pull the plug on him and leave him to tip toe fruitlessly through his ethereal fantasy world.

Hanging

What are your views on hanging?

If I thought that we could trust the police and our courts to find and convict only the guilty then I would find capital punishment difficult to oppose for individuals convicted of some offences - for example, deliberate cruelty or abuse of another living creature. But until corruption and incompetence are both eradicated from the justice system the risks of errors being made means that I am totally opposed to capital punishment.

We Ended Up In Bed

I am a single woman in my late 30s. For some time now I have been having an affair with a married man whom I love. Recently another man I know told me that he fancied me and we ended up in bed. Both these men have relationships with - and sleep with - other women. Should I choose between the two of them, sleep with both or stop seeing both of them? Am I being a slut if I sleep with both? Or should I feel flattered and enjoy the company of two men who fancy me? There are no risks of my becoming pregnant or contracting any infections.

I certainly don't think you are being a slut if you sleep with both men. But does lover no 2 know about lover no 1? If not what will he say if he does find out? What will lover no 1 say/do if he finds out about lover no 2? What will happen if lover no 2 turns up while you are entertaining lover no 1? Does the idea of losing either or both of these men worry you? Can you cope with the mental, emotional (and physical) demands of two lovers? Are you going to have to divide yourself into two? If you get found out and both men stop seeing you will you be alone? Does one of these two men mean more to you than the other? Would you miss one more than the other? If you love one of them more than the other, is the risk of losing that one worth the pleasure of entertaining the other? If necessary can you keep a secret - and lie to each of these men - for months or even years? Those are just a few of the questions you have to answer - and I ask them only so that you can see what you're letting yourself in for. The big question - and only you know the answer to this - is: 'What do you feel comfortable with?'

Great Things In Front Of Her

My girlfriend is 18. She has a 44 inch bust. She wants to go into modelling.

I am sure that she has great things in front of her.

Ignorant And Dangerous

There are no words to describe the contempt I feel for you. You are ignorant and dangerous and your views stink. No one takes any notice of you. I think you should be silenced. Your constant diatribes against butchers, farmers, scientists, politicians and others who help make this country great are pathetic.

I'm afraid that the sort of messy diarrhoea you describe can some times last for months. The best solution is to close your eyes, put your head between your knees and open your mouth. Bend forwards as far as you can and stick your head up the nearest available opening. When your head is right inside swallow deeply several times. After two or three good swallows you should have entirely disappeared. This won't help you but the rest of us will feel much better.

An Outrageous Claim

You recently said that no one who eats meat can be a Christian. How on earth can you make such an outrageous claim? I eat meat and I am a very committed member of the Christian movement. I told my minister. He made very rude remarks about you.

I always understand that Christians believed that the bible was the word of God. You clearly do not know your bible. Genesis 9.4 states quite clearly: 'But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.' It seems pretty clear to me that this means that anyone who eats bits of dead animal flesh cannot be a Christian, a Catholic or a Jew. You and your minister should be able to purchase copies of the bible from any decent bookshop.

Damned Ignorant

Why are doctors so arrogant? My own GP isn't too bad but I have recently SEEN several hospital consultants. They were, without exception, unbelievably and insufferably smug, smooth, complacent and patronising. I've known second hand car salesmen with more charm and depth of character.

Medical students quickly learn that confidence is an essential ingredient for a successful clinician. Not many patients are prepared to put their health into the hands of a doctor with no self confidence. The problem is that the dividing line between self confidence and arrogance is a very thin one - and requires a sense of self awareness and compassion which many doctors simply do not possess. I have for many years argued that every six months all practising doctors should visit a hospital, put on one of those inadequate little hospital gowns, sit in the waiting rooms, queue for X rays and remind themselves just how humiliating, embarrassing and frightening a visit to a hospital can be - even for a perfectly healthy person who is not also worried about his health.

Absolutely Terrified

I have been asked to give a speech. I am absolutely terrified and simply don't know what to say or how to say it.

The three most moving, powerful and effective speeches of all time were Winston Churchill's 'We will fight them on the beaches' speech, King Edward VIII's abdication speech and Martin Luther King's 'I have a dream' speech. All these speeches have one thing in common: passion. They were spoken from the heart. Decide what you want to say and how you hope to affect your audience. Then go for it!

A Nervous Virgin

I'm a virgin but I'm planning to change my status shortly. The trouble is that I'm rather nervous. My boyfriend has promised to be gentle but I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

Give yourselves plenty of time, try and do it somewhere warm and comfortable, pick a spot where you won't be disturbed and have a plentiful supply of condoms handy. Cinema seats, aeroplane toilets, sports cars, railway compartments and your mum's front room are all acceptable for the experienced but best avoided by those previously untouched by human gland and taking their first steps along the road to sexual enlightenment.

A Business Error

A year or so ago I made a business error. I trusted someone who let me down and I lost a great deal of money. Since then I have found it difficult to trust anyone or to take any risks. I have, I know, become stuck in a rut.

How many errors of commission do you regret - and how many errors of omission? Count them up. The nature of the longest list will tell you a great deal about yourself. If the errors of omission (the things you didn't do but wish you had) are greater than the errors of commission (the things you did but wish you hadn't) then you are probably not taking enough risks with your life. Remember: there is more to life than regular bowel movements, clean nostrils, a slowly growing pension entitlement and an intimate knowledge of the characters in a TV soap. But you won't get anywhere in life without putting your foot in it occasionally.

She Took Off Her Costume

I recently went into a steam room at the club where I'm a member. I was wearing a pair of swimming trunks. A few minutes later a woman entered. She was in her mid 40s I guess. We were the only two there. After a minute or two she asked if I minded if she took off her costume. She said she would feel more comfortable without it. I am a committee member and reminded her that there is a club rule that members have to stay clothed in the steam room. She pointed out that there was no one else around and that if I didn't mind she certainly didn't. I didn't say anything and so she removed her costume and sat there quite naked. She had a terrific figure but I was terrified that a club official or another committee member might enter.

The polite thing to have done would have been to remove your own bathing trunks. A gentleman never fails to show a lady what he has got when she has shown him what she has got. This traditional and simple law of human behaviour must always take priority over local club rules. You sound like a real prat and a prude to boot. (Why are people who sit on committees always invertebrate, decerebrate and cryptorchid?)

Fascinated By Breasts

Do you think it is possible that I might be bi-sexual? I know that I am not completely gay because I have strong feelings for men. The feelings I have for women are not as strong as the ones I have for men but they are still there. I am fascinated by breasts, especially large ones. I just love busty girls and adore saucy photographs. I get so turned on by touching my own breasts and rubbing them with baby oil. It is my fantasy to be able to do this to a woman I love.

There is an element of bisexuality in all of us. I suspect that those who object most strenuously to homosexuality are probably the least certain of their heterosexuality. The man who sneers loudest at gays may be suppressing strong, unrecognised homosexual feelings of his own. The fantasies you describe are not at all unusual and not necessarily a sign that you are bisexual. Stay relaxed, open and uninhibited and see what life offers. Meanwhile, I can think of no reason why you should not continue to enjoy your fantasies. For heavens sake don't ever allow guilt to contaminate the pleasure you obtain from your fantasy world.

Cruel And Unkind

Why are people so cruel and unkind? People in shops and offices never seem to smile any more.

I fear that no one has time to smile these days. Wouldn't it be nice if every person treated every other person (or, indeed, living creature) as though they were meeting themselves?

Tacky?

I can imagine you sitting alone in some small, seedy, scruffy bedroom-cum-office, tapping out your tacky writings on a cheap computer. You are a woman hater and driven by hate. Do us all a favour and disappear.

My office is certainly not seedy and my computer is definitely not cheap. I do not hate women. I'm driven by love not hate. Since you forgot to cut out a photograph of me and draw on a moustache and a pair of spectacles I will send you a photograph to make your life complete.

A Constant Urge For A Man

Where are all the over-sexed men I keep reading about? I have a constant urge for a man. I have been married for 15 years but my husband has lost all interest in sex. I am constantly randy but he won't make love to me and doesn't seem at all interested in sex. When I am out of the house I always seem to be eyeing up the men I see. I often have to change my underwear when I get back home. I masturbate a lot but it isn't as good as the real thing.

It seems to me that you have four simple choices. The first option is to put even more effort into trying to seduce your husband. Try to put a little pep into his pecker by wearing sexy undies or telling him about all the simply awful things you want him to do to you. The second option is to experiment still further with vibrators and sex toys and to acquire even greater finger skills. The third option is to find another lover - either full or part time. And the fourth option is to take up embroidery or gardening and forget about sex altogether. The choice, of course, has to be yours.

Silly?

I recently stayed with a friend who only ever drinks bottled water. She says she won't drink the water that comes out of a tap. Do you think she is being silly?

The water that oozes out of your tap and is supplied by your local mains water company will be fine for flushing the loo, bathing in and possibly even watering the garden but I wouldn't recommend drinking it. In the absence of your own personal private water supply (from a spring or borehole) I suggest that you either buy bottled spring water for drinking or at least put tap water through a filter before drinking it.

Sickening

How can you call yourself a doctor? All transsexuals, transvestites, blacks, lesbians, homosexuals and animal rights people should be killed at birth. You are sickening to pander to these people. Why do you encourage them? They should all be dead.

I honestly find it frightening to think that there really are people like you in this world. It is alarming to realise that you eat, breathe, walk down the street and vote like ordinary people. (I assume that you do eat, breathe, walk down the street and vote and are not an alien visiting this planet on an educational exchange holiday). Many readers think I make up letters like yours. I really wish I did. Sadly, I don't.

Can Lying Be Justified

Can a lie ever be justified? My partner and I have been arguing about this for weeks. He says that lying is never, ever justifiable and that one should always tell the truth. I don't think that life is quite that simple and that a lie might be sometimes justifiable - particularly if the intention is to avoid hurting someone. We would both like to know what you think.

I seem to remember that the late great philosopher and peace cam- paigner Bertrand Russell once told a story which answered this question. The story went something like this. He had, he said, been walking in a wood one day when he saw a fox running, breathless and clearly terrified, through the undergrowth. A minute or two later he was approached by a scarlet coated hooligan on horseback. The hunter demanded to be told which way the fox had gone. Russell gave the hunter misleading directions and sent the hunt off in entirely the wrong direction. And that, he explained, was an example of an excusable lie. Having established that lying can sometimes be justifiable - and that lying is not a black and white issue - it is clearly up to each individual to decide for him or herself when, and under what circumstances, he or she would regard a lie as both excusable and honourable.

Painful Orgasms

Every time I reach an orgasm I get a terrific pain which starts in my left temple and goes across my forehead. I used to enjoy sex very much but it's not much fun knowing that the pleasure of an orgasm will be accompanied by a terrible pain in my head. I have been to see my doctor but he can find absolutely nothing wrong with me and can offer no explanation.

The commonest type of headache that occurs during sex is usu- ally associated with contractions of the muscles of the neck and face. The pain usually affects both sides of the head and is dull and aching. The patient's brow will usually be furrowed, his (or her) jaw clenched and there may well be tender areas on his scalp and neck. These headaches are caused by tension and to stop this type of headache developing the patient needs to make sure that he or she can relax properly. If you get this sort of headache during an illicit affair then you probably have to face the fact that you aren't suited to illicit sexual activity. Sharp headaches that develop either just before an orgasm or a little later are usually violent and explosive and start on one side of the head. They usually start slowly and build up as the sexual excitement mounts. There is a theory that this type of headache may be caused by a rise in blood pressure but other experts claim there is an association between these one sided headaches and migraine. It has also been suggested that breathing too heavily during sex may be the cause of this sort of headache. The solution may be to try and breathe a little more normally.

Depressed By Evil

Why are there so many nasty people about? I get very depressed when I think about how much evil there is in the world.

It would be a better world if people were always kind and courte- ous to all other living creatures. It would also be a nicer place if the sun shone all day long and it rained at night to water the garden. But none of this is going to happen. So make sure you care for those you care about. Campaign hard for other people to be kinder. And ask yourself: 'If I met me would I get along with me? Would I like me?'

Depressed?

I recently visited a new doctor for the first time. At the end of the initial consultation, which lasted less than five minutes, and was the first time we had met, she shocked me by announcing that she was going to prescribe an anti-depressant. She told me that she was going to give me enough pills to last me for three months and that I had to return for a second interview when the pills had run out. I was appalled. I have a number of genuine 'life' problems but I do not feel depressed and I do not believe that I have any of the normal symptoms associated with depression. She asked me nothing about myself or my lifestyle. What do you think I should do?

In my view it is impossible to conduct a thorough medical exami- nation without knowing how an individual spends his working day (the man who carries lumps of concrete around a building site is subjected to different strains and stresses and is, consequently, exposed to different health hazards to the man who spends his life doing billion dollar deals on the telephone) and what sort of diet he consumes (an individual who eats a lot of fat will be exposed to different risks to an individual who favours a low fat diet). It is also necessary to know how much exercise he takes and what other personal habits he has which might influence his health (for example, does he or she smoke, drink alcohol or have sex with 14 different partners a week). In addition I would also argue that it is quite impossible to decide whether or not someone requires anti depressant therapy on the basis of a single interview lasting less than five minutes. Finally, I regard it as professional lunacy to prescribe a drug for a three month period on the basis of a single meeting. My advice is that you find another doctor as quickly as you can. The one you have recently seen may have other skills (such as putting up wallpaper or picking lottery numbers) but her skills as a physician are so limited as to be virtually non existent.

My Wife Has Been Having An Affair

A few months ago I found out that my wife, to whom I have been married for ten years, has been having an affair. She claims that it isn't really an affair because she hasn't actually slept with this other man though she doesn't deny that they have done just about everything else two people can do with one another without having full sex. When I told her that she had to choose between me and her other man she said she would stay with me. But within a month she was seeing him again. She now says that she can't live without him - but that she can't live without me either. I actually find myself feeling guilty for trying to deny her the happiness she seems to regard as her right. One day she wants to go off with him, the next day she wants to stay with me and the day after that she wants the three of us to live together. She won't make up her mind who she wants and it is driving me mad. She refuses point blank to talk to a doctor or a marriage guidance counsellor.

Uncertainty causes some of the greatest pain it is possible for any human being to suffer. Waiting to find out whether or not your relationship is over, and whether you have to start to rebuild your life from scratch is enormously stressful. Your wife probably genuinely does love you both. She probably doesn't know who she wants to be with. She doesn't want anyone to get hurt. And so, like a rabbit caught in a car headlights, she is frozen and unable to make a move. I fear that the longer this goes on the worse it will be for you all. Someone has to say 'enough'. Someone has to be brave. Someone has to make a decision. And if your wife won't make a move then maybe you should consider making one. Possibilities include giving her an ultimatum; going to see a solicitor and starting the divorce process. It seems to me that someone has to do something before the anger which is building up in your relationship explodes and destroys you both.

Unfair And Misdirected

Your attacks and warnings about doctors are unfair and misdirected. There are many kind and hard working men in the medical profession. I have a wonderful doctor. You should stop your attacks on doctors and use your pages to tell us of some of the wonderful things doctors have done.

I quite agree with you that there are many kind and hard working men in the medical profession. (And to save several thousand feminists the price of a stamp I am happy to point out that there are also many kind and hard working women in the medical profession.) I do not believe, however, there is any real need for me to write about the good things doctors do. I hope I can, in contrast, do some good by telling readers how they can stop their doctors killing them. It is understandable that virtually every patient in the world believes that their doctor is: 'best doctor in the world' and everyone going into hospital to have an operation believes that their surgeon is very the best there is. Naturally, no one wants to believe that the doctor who has the control of life or death over him or her is a completely incompetent bozo with a small bag of cement stuffed into the place where the brains should be parked. Sadly, however, the truth is that one in six patients in hospital are there because they have been injured by a doctor and four out of ten patients who take a drug suffer hazardous and sometimes even lethal side effects. I shall continue to provide warnings about doctors, drugs, hospitals and drug companies. Readers who do not wish to expose themselves to unpalatable facts can, of course, continue to keep their heads buried in the sand.

In The Life

I earn my living having sex with men. I call it being in the 'life' but you would probably describe me as a whore or a prostitute. I often read women like myself being described as lesbians and man haters. I would just like you to know that this is a dangerous generalisation. I thoroughly enjoy my work. I have always liked sex and would do it a lot even if I didn't get paid for it. Some people may think that what I do for a living is dangerous but every occupation has its risks. One friend of mine who works in a factory lost two fingers in a machine accident and another who works as a taxi driver has been in one serious accident and beaten up by passengers on two separate occasions.

The happiest people in our society are the ones who do work which they would do as a hobby if they didn't get paid for it. It is good for people to enjoy their work. You are absolutely right to point out that every occupation carries its own hazards. The important thing is to be aware of those dangers - and to do everything you can to minimise them.

Both Really Dumb

Are all P/E and gym teachers thick? My flat mate has been out with two. They were both really dumb. One took her ten pin bowling and got thrown out because he insisted on bowling overarm.

Unreliable research conducted by former Siamese twins Dawn McDonald (58-30-20) and Twilight McDonald (20-30-58) and underground authority P.V.C.Peiping showed that P/E, gym and sports teachers are by far the thickest members of the teaching profession (and, probably, the population at large). When laid end to end they satisfy most of the European standard requirements for loft insulation.

I Am Not A Prude

What makes you think women would ever want to consider a filthy practice such as lesbianism? You are nothing but a pervert. You ought to be put down. I love sex and I am not a prude. The pictures you printed of women touching one another were absolutely disgusting. Lesbianism only exists in the minds of dirty men.

Why is it, I wonder, that anonymous letter writers always tell me with such pride that they are not 'prudes' when they are clearly exactly that? I sometimes worry about the principle of every citizen having a vote.

A Huge Vote Winner

What do you think of the government's plan to force former sex offenders to register with the police - and to stop them going anywhere near schools or swimming baths when they are released from prison?

I can see that as a policy it will be a huge vote winner. Sex offend- ers get no sympathy from me. But the principle worries me (if that is the right word to apply to anything thought up by our current government). Whatever happened to crime and punishment? What about rehabilitation? What will come next? Are former bank robbers going to be banned from passing banks? Are speeding motorists going to be kept away from fast cars and motorways? Are shoplifters going to be banned from shops? Where will it all end?

Is This Forbidden Sex?

My husband wants to make love to me from behind in what is, I believe, called 'doggy' fashion. Is that what you mean by forbidden sex? It doesn't sound possible.

No. The phrase 'doggy fashion' refers to a sexual position in which the woman kneels while her partner approaches from behind but still uses the delicate, specially designed thoroughfare most usually associated with mainstream heterosexual activity. The phrase 'forbidden sex' refers to a form of sex in which although both participants may often adopt similar positions to 'doggy fashion sex' (i.e. she kneels and he comes from behind) there is a substantial difference in that the male partner takes advantage of the existence of an alternative aperture slightly to the rear of the traditional one. This task is no emission impossible but you should both be aware that there are dangers in this type of activity (it is, for example, known to be one of the commonest ways in which AIDS is transmitted).

A Predictable Response

My doctor seems to know nothing at all about alternative medicine. His sole and predictable response to any symptom or complaint is to reach for his prescription pad.

Medical education is a disgrace. Medical students are encour- aged to believe that there are just two ways to tackle an illness: either by prescribing a drug or by using a sharp knife to cut out the fault. It is my belief that they are taught far too little about preventive medicine, nutrition, holistic medicine, bodypower or mindpower. I would also like to see tomorrow's doctors taught a little more about curing and caring.

All Complete Rubbish

I recently visited an exhibition of work done by young artists. I was disgusted. It was all complete rubbish.

An unofficial report published by Lew Paiper and his team at the University of Mars has concluded that far too many so called modern artists are simply unskilled cryptorchid decerebrates who will do absolutely anything to shock (in the ultimate hope that it will make them oodles of money) as long as it doesn't involve sitting down, working hard and learning how to draw and paint. I am confident in saying that much modern art is hocus pocus because when two friends and I emptied a rubbish bin onto a glue smeared canvas and submitted the result we were highly commended by the judges.

Pain In My Chest

I have a pain in my chest. Do you think I should go and see my doctor? I don't like to bother him just in case it isn't anything important. (I am a single woman and I find it embarrassing to have to take off my clothes in front of a man.)

Slip your things off and point your bosom at my photograph. Big breaths. (What have you gone all red for? You misheard me. I said big breaths.) Say 99. Cough. Daft isn't it? Go and see your doctor. That is what he is there for. And, if he is any good at all, he will be much happier if you go to him early - before whatever is wrong with you gets worse - than if you wait until it is too late for him to help you. If your pain is harmless and of no consequence he will probably be able to tell you this in a couple of minutes. And you will be able to stop worrying. Please, please, don't write to me asking me to make diagnoses through the post. I will happily give general advice and information but it would be reckless and foolhardy for me to attempt to provide diagnoses through the mail. The art of diagnosis requires the use of more senses than I can deploy when reading letters.

Plastered

The walls of my doctor's surgery and waiting room are plastered with posters advertising vitamin supplements. And every time I see my doctor he tries to persuade me that I need to take vitamins. Naturally, for my convenience, his receptionist sells the vitamins I need. But the prices are very high and I cannot afford them. I am entitled to free prescriptions so why do I have to pay for vitamin supplements?

If you really need vitamin supplements then a doctor can prescribe them for you. However, it sounds as though the person occupying your doctor's surgery may be a cunning vitamin salesman masquerading as a physician. I strongly suggest that you make some effort to find yourself a proper doctor.

Deeply Shocked

I recently read about a local nurse who had been charged with soliciting. I always used to hold nurses in high esteem but I was deeply shocked by this incident which has permanently damaged the status of the nursing profession in my eyes.

Prostitution and nursing are traditionally closely linked profes- sions. Women who worked as prostitutes always used to do a little nursing on the side, and no one ever thought the worse of them for it. It is probably safe to say that as a caring profession nursing has been on a downhill slide since this traditional link was severed.

In A Bit Of A Rut

The relationship I am in is in a bit of a rut. I would like to try oral sex but am not sure what it involves.

According to the Ministry of Health's 424 page official guide on the subject (written by Dr Cilla Fane, Dr Polly Ester-Fabrique and Professor Baker Loite and published by the H.M. Stationery Office as reference document OS.69): 'The basic principle of oral sex is that one participant should use his or her oral cavity as a replacement for that part of their body which is more normally associated with intimate pre-orgasmic sexual contact. One or both partners may use their oral cavity in this manner - either concurrently or consecutively.' Naturally, as with all government documents, there is a flaw in this publication for if both partners bring their oral cavities together the result will be a simple kiss, rather than oral sex. This could result in disappointment and possibly even a claim in the 'small' (or, if you're lucky 'large') claims court.

Proud Of My Breasts

I am really proud of my breasts. They are quite large and although they wobble quite a bit if I run they are firm. How can I stop them sagging and losing their shape?

Small breasts bob and curtsey, large ones jiggle and sway. Those are facts of life. One of the most important things to remember is to keep your weight steady. If you put on weight the skin of your breasts will stretch. If you then lose weight the skin will stay stretched but the amount of fat inside will shrink - and the breasts will sag. Gaining and losing weight is one of the major reasons why breasts lose their shape over the years. Meanwhile, may your wobbling, jiggling and swaying continue to give pleasure to many.

A Strong Objection

I am a flight attendant and I strongly object to your description of us as 'waitresses' and 'dinner ladies'. We provide special meals so that children, koshers and others can enjoy their flights. We are professional people who are on board primarily to ensure the safety of passengers like you.

Don't kid yourself, my dear, illiterate sweetiepie. If airlines cared a sickbag's contents about passengers they would fix all the seats facing the back of the plane (much safer in a crash), ban smoking on all flights (a major fire hazard) and ban the sale of duty free alcohol (all those bottles full of booze pose a real hazard in an emergency). You can describe yourself a flight attendant, a cabin crew member, a piece of totty in the sky to help the pilot relax at the other end or any fancy title you like but your role in life is to boost airline profits by flogging fags and booze and to try and prevent passengers noticing the cramped and uncomfortable conditions in which they are travelling by serving them barely edible plastic food and teeny weeny drinks. And, by the way, I fly frequently and most of the time the vegan/vegetarian meal I have ordered is not on board. Airlines are 98% promise and 2% service.

Life Will Be In Black And White

How does someone know they are in love?

When you are in love you will feel as though the two of you have had a date with each other from the beginning of time. And life will be in black and white when you are apart.

Turned On By A Threesome

My husband really gets turned on when we have a threesome. He likes watching me have sex with other men. Sometimes he brings two or three friends home with him. Is it OK for me to have sex with all these men?

What do you feel about it? If you enjoy your sex life, and you take precautions to avoid infection, pregnancy and trouble with the local planning department, then a threesome, foursome or even moresome is fine and dandy. But if you're having group sex just to keep your husband happy - and you don't enjoy it - then there is something seriously wrong with your life and your marriage and you should say 'no' next time your partner brings home some more bits and pieces to fit into the complicated jigsaw of your sex life. Remember: nobody has to do what they don't want to do.

Always Asking Questions

My kids are always asking questions. The trouble is that most of the time I don't know the answers.

Most children ask their parents a constant stream of largely im- possible to answer questions such as: 'Why does Elspeth Wrigglesworth's mum have the window cleaner round every day?';'Why does daddy call my teacher a 'gormless idiot'?'; 'Is it true that if a girl lets a boy kiss her belly button she'll have a baby?'; 'Where does rain come from?'; 'Why does Miss Jones have such big breasts?' and 'What did daddy mean when he told Uncle Michael that he'd like to give Miss Jones one?' When they do not receive a reply to their questions kids assume that this is because their parents are too busy doing adult things to bother with an answer. It is, therefore, something of a depressing and dispiriting culture shock when it eventually becomes clear that the silence which followed so many of those childhood questions was inspired by nothing more majestic or significant than embarrassment or simple ignorance.

Four Different Doctors

During the last nine months I have seen four different doctors and been prescribed no less than sixteen different drugs. Each new doctor I see tells me that the previous doctor's prescriptions have probably done me more harm than good. Is this commonplace?

It sometimes seems to me that doctors apply chemotherapy with the same lack of logic and scientific precision that some armies use when applying napalm. If the guiding notion is that if you spread enough chemical around something useful will happen then this isn't necessarily true. And the damage done by the chemicals can sometimes far outweigh the good. Most patients rather naively assume that doctors know what they are doing when they treat patients. Sadly, this is not true either. Only about 15% of the things doctors do are supported by solid scientific evidence. Frightening, ain't it?

We Should All Be Disrespectful

Why are you so disrespectful to our leaders?

We should all be disrespectful to our leaders. Their duty is to lead. Our duty is to remind them that we put them there. Without criticism leaders become dictators.

Is This Dangerous?

My wife doesn't always sleep well. She finds that an occasional, small glass of sherry helps her to get off. Do you think this is dangerous? She is in good health and doesn't take any medication at all. In fact I don't think she has seen a doctor for over thirty years.

Regular drinking can lead to alcoholism and an enormous range of physical and mental problems. But driving a motor car can have some pretty lethal consequences too. You can minimise the risks of both by being careful. And from what you say in your letter it sounds as if your wife isn't doing anything too hazardous. When I was a junior hospital doctor I frequently prescribed a glass of sherry to help patients sleep at night. It was my professional medical opinion that an occasional, small glass of sherry (or something similar) was safer and less addictive than any sleeping pill. I am still of that opinion.

Exceedingly Frustrating

When my husband makes love to me he can only manage a maximum of 64 ins and outs before he comes. Sometimes he manages as few as 16. The count for the last three times we have made love has been 20,26 and 22. I find this exceedingly frustrating because I estimate that I would need at least 120 ins and outs to reach a climax.

I assume that you are using the phrase 'in and out' to describe a complete cycle of intravaginal penile movement and my sympathies lie entirely with your husband. The prospect of making love to a sexual accounts clerk who keeps a record of every oscillation is enough to make the firmest member of the human race wilt and shrivel. Making love to you sounds as though it would be about as much fun as listening to Radio 2. Most women fail to orgasm during sex but find other ways to achieve satisfaction and I suggest that next time you and your husband end up in bed together you leave your calculator on the landing and concentrate instead on enjoying yourself. Offering your unfortunate and long suffering spouse some encouragement and praise would be a sound first move.

Bazookas And Broadswords

Would you like to see a restrictive ban on handguns introduced?

No. I would like to see a comprehensive ban on handguns, rifles, revolvers, hand grenades, shotguns, hunting knives, bandoliers, mortars, cannons, bazookas, atom bombs, nuclear bombs, landmines, muskets, blunderbusses, broadswords, cutlasses, blowpipes, long bows, crossbows, flying bombs, torpedoes, incendiary bombs, napalm, cluster bombs, howitzers, cannon, time bombs and all weapons of individual or collective death and destruction.

Foreskins

What are your views on circumcision? I am not circumcised but cannot help wondering whether I would be more successful with women if I had my foreskin removed.

I have spoken to Topsy (74-22-38), my resident expert on penile matters, and she tells me that all things being equal she much prefers a lover who has a foreskin to a lover who does not. An impromptu survey, conducted among female politicians confirmed this viewpoint. An impressive 92.7% of those consulted confirmed that a foreskin is an essential pre-requisite for good love making. This is, of course, hard luck on men and women who find themselves in bed without a foreskin. Incidentally, I understand that unwanted foreskins are being collected and knitted into a blanket to raise money for the Foreskin Artificial Restoration Trust (F.A.R.T.)

Diabetes

Why do doctors seem to take such little interest in preventative medicine? I recently went to visit my doctor after I found out that a relative had diabetes. I was hoping that he would be able to give me advice on how to minimise my chances of developing this problem which is, I understand, hereditary.

Diabetes can run in families. You should lose any excess weight, keep your consumption of sugar rich foods to a minimum, avoid tobacco, take medically approved regular exercise and learn to deal with the stress in your life. You may find it of interest to know that in ancient China doctors were paid only when their patients were well. When someone whom they were paid to look after fell ill the regular payments stopped. That was a real incentive to practise preventative medicine but is, curiously, not a scheme which has found widespread favour among members of the modern medical establishment.

Clever Remarks

Why are you so rude about people who work on television? Surely they must have to be very bright and witty to come out with so many clever remarks.

People working in television are slightly beneath the invertebrates in the evolutionary hierarchy. The ad libs and clever remarks are scripted and rehearsed and the only requirement for a career in television is the ability to read. The ad libs are all written down so that the performer doesn't have to go to the trouble of remembering them. I remember once appearing on a live TV programme at Christmas time. During a short break in the programme the producer, who had, much to my surprise, somehow learnt of the impending festivities, asked the presenter to wish the viewers a happy Christmas when ending the programme. The expensively coiffured presenter, clearly concerned at this unusual and exceptional request, insisted that the phrase 'Happy Christmas' be printed onto the autocue from which the script for the programme was to be read. Furthermore the presenter asked that the words 'Smile and Wave' be placed in brackets underneath this instruction. At the end of the programme the presenter duly smiled, waved and wished the viewers Happy Christmas. If the presenter had been instructed to fart, blow a raspberry and wish the viewers a painful bout of piles these instructions would have doubtless been obeyed. It was, I think, at that point of my life that I realised just how unintelligent one has to be to work in television.

My Boyfriend Has A Large One

My boyfriend has a very large one, if you know what I mean. So far, although I've played around with it quite a lot I haven't actually let him put it inside me. But the problem is that I promised to let him give me one for Christmas. It seemed a good idea at the time because I'm broke and I couldn't afford an adjustable wrench which is the other thing I know he wants. But I'm now beginning to get cold feet. The thing is that his penis is much bigger than anything I've ever had in me before. Even when limp it is bigger than my last boyfriend's was when erect. Do you think I'll be able to cope? Do you have any tips?

I feel sure that you will be able to cope just as long as you relax properly. A vagina can stretch wide enough to accommodate a baby's head so, unless your boyfriend's penis is thicker and more solid than a baby's head, you should be able to cope perfectly well. (If your boyfriend's penis is thicker and more solid than a baby's head do please get in touch because Trixie, Loosie, Fyona, Dafne and several of my other personal assistants would like to meet him in order to conduct experimental research of a purely scientific nature.)

We Love You

We are a bunch of social workers. We love you and, sadly, think that your rude remarks about our colleagues are largely justified. Keep up the good work.

Thank you for your kindness in writing. I am delighted to hear that there are some social workers with good taste and sense. I will, in future, try to remember to use the word 'most' when writing rude remarks about social workers. Sadly, I fear that I am never likely to be convinced that there are any sensitive, sentient abattoir workers in existence and so I shall continue to argue that abattoir workers as a breed have the intellect and moral standards of sludge.

Above Or Below Average

I am not sure whether my penis is above or below average size. One previous girlfriend told me, when we parted, that I had a very small penis. My current girlfriend says that I've got a huge penis - the biggest she's ever seen (though since she has also told me that she was a virgin when we met that isn't particularly surprising). Which of them should I believe?

Your previous amour's parting shot may have simply been a cheap jibe, skilfully designed and aimed to wound. On the other hand your present mistress's enthusiasm may (whatever her previous experience) be simply intended as kindly encouragement. Every woman instinctively knows that the quickest way to a man's heart (far quicker and more accurate than merely cooking him a pleasing vegetable hotpot) is to tell him that he is generously endowed in the between the legs department.

Bigger Seats For People With Fat Bottoms

Will you support our campaign for bigger seats on buses, aeroplanes and cinemas so that people with fat bottoms can travel by bus and aeroplane and watch new movies?

No. People with fat bottoms who want to travel or watch new movies, should lose weight so that they can sit down without overflowing into their neighbour's seat. This truth may be unpalatable (unless covered with a thick layer of chocolate) but most (not all) people who are grotesquely fat got that way through greed. Until they have lost weight they should stay at home and keep their spreading buttocks out of everyone else's way.

An Awful Experience

I recently flew for the first time. It was an awful experience. There were queues and delays everywhere.

Consider yourself lucky. I heard about an aeroplane which spent over seven hours on the ground preparing to take off. When patients showed reasonable signs of edginess the pilot threatened to have any unruly passengers arrested. Everyone involved in air travel - from the sour, ticket ripping waitress to the nutritionally challenged moron who puts together those nasty little plastic meals - seems determined to do his or her best to turn what for most people should be a potentially pleasant experience into an ordeal. Please complain about your miserable experience to the boss of the airline concerned. I fear that airlines take no notice of passengers but complaining might make you feel a little better.

Prostitution And Nursing

I was disgusted by your recent reference to the fact that prostitution and nursing used to be linked. Nursing is a highly scientific profession and those who practise it are expected to have many technical skills.

The pity is that they are not also expected to balance those techni- cal skills with more genuine, old fashioned caring. And hospitals would be cheerier, happier and healthier places if young, pretty nurses were encouraged to wear short skirts and stockings and suspenders and do a lot of bending over when making beds and picking things up off the floor. Brain dead spoilsports with fat legs and drooping buttocks will, of course, object vehemently to this suggestion and will write exceedingly lively and invigorating letters of complaint.

Garlic And Onions

I am a vegetarian. My doctor recently told me that eating garlic and onions would do irreparable harm to my body. Is this true?

No. Your doctor gets 0 out of 10 for nutritional knowledge and moves up 76,493 places on the list of individuals waiting for a brain transplant. Garlic and onions are both good for you (though to avoid bedtime disputes you should, if possible, arrange for your lover to eat them too). Both garlic and onions contain a chemical which seems to have anti-cancer properties.

Fed Up

I like burgers. They are very tasty. I am fed up with you telling us that meat can make us dead. I say we need meat and would all be dead without it. If meat caused cancer like you say it does they would not be able to sell it so you must be wrong. You are mad to say that food can make people sick.

It is always rather charming to discover that there are still people around who are as naive as you clearly are. There is incontrovertible scientific proof that meat causes cancer (just as cigarettes do) but the authorities do nothing (and, indeed, do their best to suppress this information) because the people selling meat are making vast amounts of money. Farmers, butchers and companies selling bits of dead animal are all making enormous profits and these days politicians do what the rich tell them to do. I suggest that you make sure that you eat all your burgers at the same restaurant and do all your meat shopping at the same butchers. Keep all the receipts so that in a year or two's time, when you get cancer or Mad Cow Disease, your family will be able to sue the hamburger restaurant and the butcher.

A Lonely Male

I am a lonely male looking for a woman. All around me I see happy couples. But I never seem to find a woman with whom I can share my life.

You may find this difficult to believe at the moment but some where out in the cold, grey world there is a lonely woman waiting for you. There are just as many love and friendship starved women as love and friendship starved men. Your first task is, clearly, to find the woman God has been keeping for you. You will dramatically increase your chances of doing this if you meet as many women as possible - whether at a pub, club, supermarket or evening taxidermy class. Your next task will then be to make the woman who seems right for you realise that you are the man she's looking for. This means that you will need to talk to her and (even more important) persuade her to talk to you. The most important tip to remember is that most people (men and women) are happiest when talking about their favourite topic. And for most people their favourite topic is themselves. When you meet a woman you like, and would like to know better, encourage her to talk to you about herself, her hopes, her ambitions, her likes, her dislikes and her dreams.

Taking An Antidepressant

I have been taking an antidepressant drug for some months. My doctor now wants me to stop and has refused to give me any more prescriptions. Do you think it would be wiser to stop the drug gradually rather than suddenly? Do patients ever report withdrawal symptoms when coming off anti depressants?

Your doctor has the intellect of a traffic warden and the wisdom of a politician. In my view no antidepressant drug should be stopped suddenly. I believe that it is always wiser to reduce the daily dosage fairly gradually over a period of weeks or even months (this often depends upon the length of time for which the pills have been taken). One extremely important reason for this is the fact that withdrawal symptoms may occur with some antidepressants. Your doctor seems unaware of all this. It rather sounds as though he has a severe learning disability and would be better suited to a career in refuse disposal, social work, insurance or a local government planning department.

No Examinations

My daughter goes to a school where they don't have any examinations. Instead she is assessed by her teachers who decide whether or not she has reached a satisfactory standard in each subject. Have you heard of this before? What do you think of it?

Continuous assessment of students seems to be here to stay. It is all part of an attempt to do away with examinations, which are seen as being divisive and discriminatory, and replace them with a system which allows the lazy and the stupid to do just as well as the hard working and the bright. I think this type of educational system stinks as badly as a week old corpse. It gives teachers far too much power ('I'll pass him because he always brings me a nice apple but I'll fail her because her breasts are nicer than mine') and is a system which is wide open to abuse.

I Hardly Ever See My Best Friend

My best friend and I used to go and watch football matches together - and spend one or two evenings a week in the pub. But now he never comes out and I hardly ever see him. His wife doesn't like him spending time outside the house and he seems terrified of her.

Your friend is not unusual. Tragically, many men are terrified of their wives and husband bullying is far commoner than wife bullying. Men who were emotionally battered by their mothers become easy prey when they acquire tough minded wives of their own. I recently had a letter from a man who was so frightened of his wife that he had withdrawn his application for a divorce in case his wife got to hear about it! Women are often described as the weaker sex. This is, of course, absolute nonsense. Men can be just as weak and fearful as women - and the very fact that as men they are expected to be strong and fearless simply increases their sense of failure and inadequacy. Try to talk to your friend (if you can get him alone) and ask him why he is allowing his wife to terrorise him and run his life. He may like being bullied (in which case your friendship is, I fear, a lost cause). But if he recognises that he has a problem ask him to ask himself why he is so frightened of his wife that he allows her to rule his every movement. Once he knows the reason for his fear he may be able to conquer it - and free himself from the rubber gloved, tampon inserting tyrant who rules his life.

They Turn Out To Be Married

I am fed up of meeting men who turn out to be married. My last three boyfriends turned out to be married. All of them lied and told me they were single.

Married man invariably have neat haircuts and always have neatly ironed shirts. And they invariably look around them rather nervously (to see if anyone is watching) when spoken to by attractive women. These tips should help reduce your chances of making the same mistake again.

A Problem With My Penis

I have a problem with my penis. The foreskin doesn't slide back properly. I have been married for four months and have not yet let my wife see it or touch it. Not surprisingly, she wants to know why and I am running out of excuses. I am too embarrassed to see my doctor. What should I do?

Put your embarrassment away in a cupboard and see your doctor. He, she or it will have seen hundreds (probably thousands) of penises of all shapes and sizes and many states of wear and tear. Research done at an Arabian University by Dr Aaron Izzardon, Professor Isaac Dix and Dr Aaron Mycock has shown that you can safely display your penis to your doctor with no more anxiety than you would encounter if displaying a faulty washing machine to a washing machine mechanic. It sounds as though your foreskin may simply need a little light professional tinkering by an accredited foreskin engineer in order to ensure that it functions properly.

Why We Exploit Animals

I don't know why you spend so much effort campaigning for animals. We exploit animals because we are superior to them and that is all there is to it.

The very fact that we exploit animals proves that we are not supe- rior to them in any meaningful way. We are superior in our ability to impose our will through physical force but that is hardly something to be proud of. We are the thugs and bullies of this planet. If we were really superior we would protect and cherish every creature who is weaker than we are. THEN we could be proud of ourselves.

Straight Bananas

I cannot keep up with all the daft new laws being introduced. Is it true that shops can now only sell straight bananas?

Walter Wallkarpit, eminent floor covering specialist, official gov- ernment scientific adviser on Mad Cow Disease, Traffic Bollard design and leaf mould analysis and Deputy Vice Chairman of the World Fruit Shape Commission tells me that you are absolutely right: non-straight bananas have been outlawed. Mere possession of a bent banana is now a serious criminal offence. In addition, as a sort of legislative bonus, Walter tells me that another new law states that we must all wear safety goggles when eating grapefruit. This law was passed after juice squirted into a woman's eye and caused her temporary discomfort. She sued the grapefruit supplier and won a substantial amount in damages. (A lawsuit against the spoon manufacturer is pending.)

A Link

Do you think there is a link between murderers and people who are cruel to animals?

Absolutely. Children or adults who batter or mistreat animals often go on to become murderers. Parents who neglect pets usually neglect children too. None of this should be much of a surprise. People who are kind and thoughtful are usually kind and thoughtful to humans and animals. People who are neither kind nor thoughtful become hunters, vivisectors, farmers and butchers - and are likely to end up turning into mass murderers.

A Good Game

Can you suggest a good game we can play this Christmas? We always fight when we play Monopoly.

Why not try 'Who's Got The Biggest Penis?' - a game which is already proving enormously popular with tall basketball players called Richard (probably because so many of them are big Dicks). For a blow by blow account and simple easy to follow instructions on how to measure a penis properly consult the delectable erection specialist, Fifi, at no 32 Railway Cuttings.

Crucial

Why is navel fluff always purple?

A team of government scientists have just been given a huge grant to investigate this crucial question. The highly qualified scientists, all aged between 14 and 16, are also hoping to find out why slugs don't eat weeds and how to make a peephole into the changing room used by sixth form girls getting ready for gym and hockey.

Black Spots

I have a rhododendron bush which has black spots on the leaves. Do you have any suggestions.

Buy some green paint. (I have a feeling that this letter may have got to me by mistake but I always try to oblige).

Little Satisfaction

I seem to spend my life doing things I don't want to do - attending social engagements with people I don't really like and commitments which take up a lot of time and provide me with very little satisfaction.

Find the courage to say 'no' more often. You may need to prac- tise. You might obtain some encouragement from the fact that the late Peter Cook, when he was asked to a dinner party he didn't want to go to, consulted his diary and then said, with apparent great regret: 'Oh dear. I find I'm watching television that evening.'

Am I Normal?

Am I normal? I am 18 years old and have slept with about 150 men.

I really don't much like the word 'normal' because it suggests that some forms of healthy, harmless, innocent and natural behaviour are 'wrong' simply because they are different. You are slightly ahead of the game in terms of sexual experience, and if you are going for a world amateur record then you are probably quite nicely placed, but only two things really matter. The first is that you eventually find a man whom you can love as well as have sex with. And the second is that while you are looking you take care to use condoms so that your chances of acquiring a serious sexually transmitted disease are kept to a minimum.

Surgery And Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Is it true that surgery is the best way to deal with irritable bowel syndrome?

Not in my opinion. There are many ways to tackle irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) but allowing a knife twiddler in rubber gloves and a mask to fillet your intestines with a sharp implement isn't one of my favourite. I believe that learning how to deal with stress and changing your diet are the two most effective IBS control techniques.

Surprised?

Were you as surprised as I was to read that scientists have found that there is no link between leukaemia and nuclear power stations?

Scientists often publish reports which surprise me. An unofficial government report, to be published shortly is reported to show that there is no proven link between people falling out of high buildings and the incidence of broken bones among such individuals. A spokesidiot said: 'It is true that everyone who falls from high buildings sustains nasty injuries but there is no concrete evidence directly linking those injuries to falling from buildings. It is perfectly possible that something happens to people as they are falling to the ground. They could, for example, sustain those injuries as a result of mid air collisions with unidentified flying objects.' Police are currently looking for the spokesidiot's brain which was stolen last weekend but which is believed to be very small and easy to hide.

Struck Off?

My doctor says that you have been struck off the medical register.

Your doctor is a liar and should go far in his chosen profession.

A Threatening Phone Call

A few days ago my wife received what I can only describe as a threatening phone call from a debt collecting agency. The caller wouldn't tell her who had hired him but told my wife that we could go to prison and lose our house if we didn't pay the bill. Eventually, I discovered that the debt collector had been hired by a doctor I had seen privately a few months ago. I had never received a bill and had forgotten about the appointment which I had to arrange privately to avoid the long waiting list at the local hospital. (The consultation had been entirely useless but that's another story). My wife is now in a terrible state. She cannot sleep or eat and jumps every time the telephone rings or there is a caller at the door. Have you heard of other doctors hiring debt collecting agencies to harass patients? It doesn't seem a very caring thing to do. If the doctor had had the courtesy to write to me and send his bill I would have paid him, though I am currently broke and unemployed and in bed sick. I have never not paid a bill. As things stand I am of a mind to let him take me to court. The chances are that I will be dead before they can put me in prison.

When I first received your letter I confess I thought you must have made a mistake. I could not believe that any doctor would set a debt collection agency onto a patient. I was wrong. One debt collector I spoke to me told me that he had quite a few doctors as clients. I didn't think I could be any more ashamed of the medical profession. I was wrong about that too. I have inexhaustible supplies of contempt for all those doctors who use debt collectors to hound and harass patients.

Coitus Non-interruptus

My wife wants sex all the time.

Your wife is suffering from a rare condition called 'coitus noninterruptus'. According to the results of an unreliable survey of millers, wheelwrights and pawnbrokers, shortly to be conducted, you should think yourself terribly lucky and get stuck in.

Appalled

I am a solicitor acting for a farmer and his wife. My clients are appalled that you are allowed to continue to attack all the people who are involved in the production of meat. My clients state that their animals are bred with love and killed humanely and with compassion. Furthermore they state that meat provides essential vitamins and that if consumers did not eat meat they would die. Since you don't seem to care about complaints, I am instructed to take action against you in the Courts if you say anything rude about farmers or make any attempt to discourage people from eating meat.

May I suggest that you fill yourself with sage and onion stuff- ing? No one with properly developed human values could possibly take any part in the vile meat trade. In my personal opinion people who rear animals, who drive them around in lorries, who work in abattoirs or who sell meat or meat products are immoral, soulless, psychopathic Nazis. Even though you are a lawyer, and work for someone involved in the meat trade, I strongly advise you to stop eating meat immediately. The scientific evidence proves conclusively that eating meat is really bad for people's health. Meat can cause cancer and is a major contributory factor in the development of heart disease and stroke. Meat contains nothing that cannot be obtained more healthily through eating vegetables, grains and other healthy foods. The truth is that meat is murder - and it isn't just the animals who die.

A Lonely Woman

I am a student at a University. A few weeks ago I rented a room in a house near to the campus. My landlady, a widow of about 45, had advertised for a student lodger. When I moved in she explained to me that her husband had died eighteen months earlier and that she was lonely. Seven days ago I got back to the house quite late after studying in the library and found her sitting listening to dance music. She asked me if I liked dancing. When I confessed that I didn't know how to dance she said that she'd teach me if I wanted her to. A few moments later we were pressed tightly against one another doing a very slow waltz around the living room. Up until that moment I had thought of her as a sort of 'mother' figure. But as I danced with her I realised that she is actually a very attractive woman. She has very large breasts and was wearing a dress with a low neckline and when I looked down I could see right down into a very considerable cleavage. She was wearing a perfume which I found extremely attractive. As my body pressed against hers I found myself becoming sexually aroused; within a couple of minutes I had an absolutely enormous erection. Feeling embarrassed I pulled away slightly but she just smiled at me and pulled me back against her. 'That feels wonderful,' she whispered, smiling up at me and rubbing herself against me. Well, to cut a short story even shorter we ended up making love on the living room floor and then slept together in her bed. When I got back home from the university the following day I found that all my clothes had been moved into her bedroom. Since then we have slept together every night. As far as I am concerned it is a wonderful arrangement - she is a fantastic lover and has already taught me far more about sex than I knew before - but do you think there are any dangers to this relationship? (We do use condoms so I'm referring to emotional dangers rather than the obvious physical hazards of pregnancy and infection).

You can minimise the risk of misunderstandings developing by talking to your landlady and defining what you both want and expect from one another. Is this a long term relationship built on mutual love and friendship, or simply a sexually convenient arrangement? Does your landlady expect you to be faithful to her or does she accept that you may have relationships with younger partners? Do you expect your landlady to be faithful to you? What is going to happen during the university holidays and when your course is completed? These are all potential problem areas. You may both find it easier to be honest with one another now than in three months time. Define your immediate hopes and expectations and you'll both know where you are. But be prepared to redefine those hopes and expectations when circumstances change - as they undoubtedly will. It is quite likely that neither of you know what you want from the relationship - in which case that's fine too. Remember that age and circumstances need not be a bar to a happy, long term relationship. If you both love one another (or grow to love one another) then your relationship may blossom into a permanent one. And that would be wonderful for you both. But there is nothing at all wrong with a simpler, more physical relationship. The important thing is that you both know what you getting yourselves into: and the best way to avoid misunderstandings is through honesty and openness from the start.

Slightly Squiffy

I met my new boyfriend at a party three weeks ago. I usually let a man fondle my breasts on the first date, touch me below the waist on the second date but make him wait until the third date before I let him make love to me but on this occasion I was so turned on (and slightly squiffy) that I let him do it straight away. We now have sex every time we meet. We hardly ever talk and never go out. Do you think he just wants me for my body?

Sex is the only thing he's after if:

1. He invites you in for coffee and starts getting undressed in the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil.
2. He removes your blouse/dress without undoing any of the buttons.
3. He no longer fondles your breasts before attempting to remove your knickers.
4. He keeps calling you 'darling' or 'love' because he can't remember your name.
5. He has his trousers, shirt and shoes back on before you realise you haven't had an orgasm.
6. He takes his trousers off but keeps his shirt on.
7. You find yourself flat on your back without having had a chance to remove your shoes.
8. You wake up and find he is gone and there is money on the pillow.
9. When you visit him he tells you which position he wants you in before you have taken off your coat.
10. He doesn't bother to unfasten or remove any of your clothes when making love to you.

Affairs With Seven Women

Since we got married three years ago my husband has had affairs with at least seven women (three of them my friends). Every time I catch him at he bursts into tears and promises not to do it again. But I'm beginning to find it difficult to trust him.

I'm not surprised. Unless you are prepared to share your husband with every owner of a pair of breasts, a clitoris and the usual penis parking area you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that if he persists in dipping his tea bag in someone else's pot (or slipping his plug into the wrong socket as it is sometimes known in electrical circles) your marriage will be over. The best way to make sure that he knows you mean it is for you to mean it.

Insanely Jealous

For years my husband has wanted to watch me having sex with a stranger. The problem is that he is insanely jealous and I know that any such experiment would be a disaster. We have, however, found a way around this problem. On a recent trip we bought a massive vibrator which we call David. I lie upside down on our bed and my husband helps David make love to me. As I get more and more excited and shout out David's name my husband joins in the action by putting his erection into my mouth and making love to the other end of me. Our 'threesome' gives us both a great deal of pleasure without any regrets or recriminations afterwards.

It is surprising how many women give their vibrators names. A reader recently wrote to me and confessed that she has a collection of vibrators - all different sizes, shapes and colours. She has, she says, named them after different members of the Rolling Stones band so that she can have sex with Mick, Keith and the rest whenever she feels the urge. Another reader has a vibrator called Tiny (named, she says, after a former boyfriend). One woman has two vibrators (called Little Dick and Big Dick) and another is building up a collection of extra large vibrators which she is naming after a local basketball team.

Love In The Open Air

My husband wants us to make love in the open air. I quite fancy the idea. Are there any dangers?

Vladimirly Freezinck, Chairman of the World Outdoor Sex As- sociation, tells me that there are several hazards of which you should be aware. First, there is a danger that you could be arrested for public indecency or causing a breach of the peace. Second, passers by might be inclined to stop and offer advice or encouragement or even to offer to help. You could end up with too many bits and not enough holes to put them in. And finally, if the weather is bad, there is a danger that you (or more likely your husband) could lose some vital anatomical pieces. Mrs Freezinck tells me that Vladimirly Freezinck, who at 48 years of age is now believed to be the oldest boy soprano in Eastern Europe, has embarrassing personal experience of this problem.

Entitled To Their Say

Why are you so rude to people you disagree with? I think it is outrageous that you are allowed to get away with the things you say without getting into trouble with the authorities. Everyone is entitled to their say. You seem to worry far too much about animals. I have heard that because of you a lot of researchers cannot get the money they need. I am not going to give you my name and address so you won't be able to be rude to me.

I usually throw away anonymous letters unread but yours caught my eye (it was probably the clumsy printing, the fluorescent green ink and the heavy underlining). I'm delighted to hear that the evil bastards who torture animals in laboratories are short of cash. If they can't afford to buy animals maybe they'll start experimenting on one another. You will probably be pleased to hear that last year alone I got into trouble with 57 varieties of authority. But I care far more about what is right than what 57 regiments of old farts in suits think I should or should not do. They can all jump up and down and wave walking frames and red cards at me until the end of time without changing my determination to tell the truth. By the way, not giving your name and address doesn't stop me being rude to you. You are clearly a cryptorchid anencephalic with the charm of unrefined sewage and the intelligence of an ounce of plankton. I do hope you didn't have to look up too many of those words in the dictionary.

Sick Inside

I hate my job. The prospect of spending the rest of my life doing something which I loathe so much makes me feel sick inside. There doesn't seem much point in carrying on for the next thirty years. But I have responsibilities and commitments so how can I possibly try anything else? I could find a job I enjoy but the pay would not be anywhere near as good and our standard of living would undoubtedly suffer.

You have to decide whether the joy you obtain from the material delights your job pays for outweighs the misery the job causes. If you are working yourself to a shadow to pay for double glazing, a fitted kitchen, expensive motor cars, dancing lessons, overpriced trainers and all the other nonsense of an overly acquisitive life then you are probably selling your soul cheaply and my advice is that you should seriously consider more rewarding employment and a less acquisitive lifestyle. Changing jobs can, I know, be frightening. But there is no law which says you have to do the same job all your life. Most of us spend at least a third of our waking lives working and so to me it seems a pity to waste that much time doing something you don't enjoy. And to show you that I practice what I preach here's a list of just some of the paid jobs I've had: postman, drama critic, television presenter, lecturer, police surgeon, assembly line worker, general practitioner, electrical technician, surgeon, disk jockey, book reviewer, cartoonist, delivery van driver, nursing aide, draughtsman, factory doctor, radio doctor, hospital porter and magazine editor. I've also been a union official, a full-time voluntary worker and a magician's second assistant. Changing your job may entail a risk. And it may mean earning less money. But if you try and get through life without taking risks you will end up with nothing more than a memory full of regrets.

Just A Substitute?

You are always on about bouncy tits, shapely bums and sex. Is this all just a substitute for the real thing for you?

No. I write from experience not yearning. You wouldn't expect a motoring correspondent to write about cars without trying out the latest models, would you?

A Caravan Holiday

A girlfriend and I went on a caravan holiday last summer. On our first day on the beach we met two young guys in their 20s. They were staying in another caravan. The four of us flirted together outrageously. Plenty of touching and groping went on at the beach (especially in the sea - at one point we removed both the guys' bathing trunks and they retaliated by removing our bikini tops). We arranged to meet that evening but at about six pm my girlfriend suddenly developed a migraine. She got into her sleeping bag and went to sleep - after telling me go keep our date by myself. The two guys were clearly disappointed when I turned up alone - especially the one who had fancied my friend - and so I tried to be extra nice to both of them. We had a few drinks in a pub and I soon got a bit tipsy. We walked back with me in the middle. Both the guys had their arms around me and I felt very special. On the way back we walked past their caravan. They invited me in to listen to a pirate radio station on their portable radio. I'm not really sure what happened next but I remember finding it impossible to fight off two pairs of hands (I probably wasn't trying very hard) and for the first (and so far the only) time in my life I ended up making love to two men at once. The night was one long orgasm. I had sex with them both and I performed oral sex on them both too! When I got back to our caravan the next morning my girlfriend wouldn't speak to me for hours. We met the two guys again every evening for the rest of the holiday but nothing matched that evening when I had them both to myself. I have mentioned the idea to my current boyfriend - and even suggested another fellow we could invite to join us for a very dirty weekend - but although I know he is very turned on by the idea I don't think he takes me seriously. Do you think he would be more receptive if I told him about my adventure last summer?

There's a lot of difference between being turned on by the idea of group sex and actually doing it. Your boyfriend might well enjoy fantasising about you practising pelvic thrust exercises on someone else's leaning tower of Pisa but he might take a rather dim view of the idea of you turning fantasy into practice and taking part in practical rehearsals for the Annual Bobbing for Apples Championships. You should, therefore, think very carefully before telling him about your two man adventure.

He Comes Early

My boyfriend always comes early. He usually has to take me to orgasm with his fingers. We would both get more pleasure from sex if he could last a little longer.

Most men who suffer from premature ejaculation (the technical phrase for 'coming early') last much longer if they are given a second chance fairly soon afterwards. Use your fingers, tongue and lips to help build a new erection within minutes of the first one subsiding and your new creation should prove to be far more hard wearing and long lasting. Alternatively, your boyfriend may be able to delay his magic moments by thinking of someone or something which dampens his ardour. It is, however, important not to go too far with this technique. An unreliable survey inscribed on a bus shelter claimed that 76% of counter clerks at the National Sperm Bank lost their erections completely when they tried to combat premature ejaculation by thinking about football or doing complicated long division in their heads.

So Many Mistakes

Why do banks make so many mistakes? My bank never seems to get anything right.

Nineteen year old boy wonder and senior bank manager Kuosi Mowdough, half Japanese, half French and mostly hump under-sized former professional bell ringer at Notre Dame, tells me that most banks enter an annual competition to find out who can make the most up-cocks. The staff at the bank which makes the biggest number of up-cocks gets to share a basket of fruit and a photograph of a six pound note. (Incidentally, it's odd, isn't it, that banks rarely make mistakes which cost them money.)

Group Sex

I regularly visit a sex club in my home town. Group sex is common and nothing is banned, if you understand what I'm saying. I often end up having sex with two or three people at the same time. Heterosexuals, bisexuals and homosexuals all mix together. What are my chances of contracting an infection?

I have had a lot of letters about sex clubs - which are, it seems, now as popular as coffee mornings used to be. Your chances of catching an infection are about the same as your chances of having a good time - my guess is that the risk level lies somewhere between high and certain. You can minimise (but never eradicate) the risk by making sure that you (or your partners) always use a condom.

He Enjoys Having His Bottom Spanked

My boyfriend enjoys having his bottom spanked. Do you think he needs help?

No. He will probably be quite capable of spanking his own bott- om, though he may prefer it if someone else gives him a hand.

Quite˙Large And Slack

My wife recently gave birth to our first baby. When we had sex for the first time afterwards I found that her vagina had become quite large and slack. I couldn't feel very much when we made love and it lessened my enjoyment quite a bit. Some time later I found myself in bed with my best mate and his wife. She is quite a lot older than my wife and has had four kids but her vagina was much tighter. In fact she seemed able to make it as tight as she wanted. I've never been with a woman who could do that before. How did she do it?

When a woman has a baby her pelvic and vaginal muscles are put under a considerable strain. It is hardly surprising that those muscles often lose some of their tone and strength. Both partners may then find sex less satisfying than it was before. The main problem is that the vaginal muscles are less able to hold the penis tightly when it enters. As a result there is less stimulation for him and less likelihood that her labia minora will pull down on her clitoris to take her to (or at least towards) orgasm. However, by deliberately exercising the muscles in and around the vagina it is possible to regain vaginal muscle control - and even improve on the original.

Not Particularly Well Endowed

My boyfriend isn't particularly well endowed. In fact, he has the smallest wotsit I've ever come across. Do you remember those men who do a balloon dance when in the nude - hiding their vital parts behind balloons? Well, my boyfriend can hide his wotsit behind a balloon without blowing it up. I love him very much and we have great fun together but I find sex with him frustrating and rather unsatisfying. I would be grateful for any advice you can give me.

Sorry to hear you drew a short straw in the great winkle-picking lottery. You'll get more satisfaction if you choose the right positions. Incidentally, it causes me great distress to hear such a proud and vital organ described yet again as a 'wotsit'. It makes it sound like something you pick up by the dozen in a blister pack at the local ironmongers. If you find yourself unable to use the word 'penis' without coming out in a rash of rosy embarrassment then I suggest that the word 'gladius' would make a good alternative. Gladius is the Latin word for 'sword', and seems particularly appropriate since the word 'vagina' is the Latin for sheath or scabbard. The average roman soldier was always slipping his gladius into a handy vagina. Since most of us like to create nicknames - often shortened versions of existing names - for those whom we love, the term 'glad' would, I suggest, be a suitable term of endearment for the penis. The phrase 'I'm feeling glad all over' would then take on an entirely new meaning. (I wonder how many of the posh, unmanageable and boring papers provide their readers with Latin lessons on a Sunday?)

I Walk Around Naked

I sleep in the nude and like to walk around the house naked but my boyfriend prefers me to dress. He says that if he sees me nude all the time it will have a bad effect on our sex life.

Why don't you try a compromise? Wear a thin gold chain around your ankle, a peep hole bra, a G string, suspender belt and seamed black stockings and a pair of black shoes with five inch heels. If he still complains take him to the doctor and get him checked out or locked up.

A Pretty Doctor

My doctor is a very pretty woman in her thirties. I believe she is divorced. I had to see her last week for a medical examination. While I lay on the couch naked she unbuttoned her white coat. She told me that this was because she was feeling very hot. She said the central heating had gone out of control. She was wearing just underwear beneath the white coat - a purple bra and pantie set and a matching suspender belt with purple stockings. When she put her hands on my skin I got very aroused and responded in the traditional way almost instantly. When she saw my erection she couldn't take her eyes off it. She asked me if the erection was her fault. When I said I thought it probably was she said she felt very guilty and asked me if I wanted her to deal with it. She wrapped her fingers around it, licked her lips and made it pretty clear what she meant. I felt very embarrassed and muttered something about not wanting to trouble her. She then became very abrupt and professional and fastened her coat up again. She performed the examination in about two minutes and long before she had finished my erection had melted like a snowman in a heatwave. She seemed rather offended and hardly spoke to me when she wrote out my sick note. Now I regret my shyness. I would very much like to have a second chance. How do you think I should go about this?

How nice it is to know that there are still doctors around who think that their patients should come first. Technically women doctors are regulated by the same ethical rules as those which prevent men from having sexual relationships with their female patients but I think you can safely leave that particular worry to your doctor. She is, after all, paid to take responsibility.

If you think your saucy doctor in purple underwear was expressing an interest in a relationship with you then you could ring her up or drop her a note asking her out. If, on the other gland, you feel that her interest was purely physical you could simply visit the surgery again (armed with a supply of condoms) and be honest with her - tell her that you very much regret your shyness and that if her offer still stands you would like to take her up on it. If her face lights up and the white coat buttons start flying across the room you can safely assume that your lucky day has arrived. If she remains cold and aloof you can equally safely assume that either you misinterpreted her intentions or else she is still feeling a little hurt at having been rejected.

Legal Action

You were recently rude about people who sell insurance. I sell insurance. If you do not print an apology within two weeks I will take legal action against you.

Sod off.

An Older Woman

My son is 19 and has started dating a much older woman. My wife disapproves. I approve. I think an older woman can teach a young man a great deal.

When I was 19, and at college, I had difficulty with my course. My tutor told me that since she thought I showed promise she would give me an extra tutorial at her home.

The moment I turned up for my extra lesson I knew it was going to be very special. She was wearing a very low cut white blouse which showed the most impressive cleavage I had ever seen and a short, tight black skirt which barely concealed the fact that she was wearing stockings and suspenders. It was the first time I'd seen a woman wearing stockings. I can't tell you how excited this made me.

Although I was not very experienced sexually (lots of groping, fumbling and a couple of instances of premature ejaculation was my lot) I knew what was going on and I wasn't surprised when my tutor told me that her husband was out for the evening.

We made a half hearted attempt at getting some work done but both of us knew that work wasn't the main business of the evening. It didn't even come close. I was far too busy peering down her cleavage.

After maybe five minutes of this she stood up and walked round behind me so that she could lean across and explain something. I can't remember now what it was and I don't think I even knew at the time. I found it impossible to drag my eyes away from the two soft, white breasts just a few inches away from me. I had a hard on so solid I could have used it to hammer nails into wood.

'You seem distracted,' she said and then with unusual clumsiness she accidentally dropped her pen onto my lap.

I was wearing white jeans and the ink in the pen made a mark on them. My tutor reached down to pick up the pen and her hand rubbed against my hard on which exploded and suddenly became a soft on.

'I'm so sorry,' she said, unbuckling my belt. 'If you slip your jeans off I'll wash them for you.'

She slid my trousers down my legs and I felt her fingernails brushing against the outside of my thighs. Amazingly, I felt myself responding almost instantly. I'd never had a second erection so quickly.

I reached out and lifted her breasts out of her blouse. They were the biggest I'd ever seen - the size of melons - and I remember being struck by how heavy and warm they were.

We did it on the floor, with her bent over the table and with her kneeling down in the living room. I don't know why but she seemed to get an extra kick out of doing it on her knees with her head, chest and arms resting on the chair her husband always sat in to watch television.

She did things to me I didn't know women did to men. And, under her tutelage, I did things to her that I didn't know men did to women.

Every time I came she performed another miracle. There were many resurrections that evening.

I passed my examination at the end of the term and moved on. But I learned more that evening than I learned the whole of the rest of my college course.

How can I explain to my wife the benefits of sex with an older woman?

Assuming that you did not know your wife at the time that this happened I do not think you can do any better than to tell her your own experience. Better still, show her your letter on this page and tell her that you wrote it.

Compassion And Humanity

Your complaints about abattoirs are ill founded. Animals are killed with compassion and humanity. Animals do not feel any pain or suffer any distress.

And I suppose that all politicians and bureaucrats are honest, sen- sitive to public feelings and overflowing with compassion and goodwill? And do you also believe that all policemen are honest, that all husbands and wives are faithful to one another and that all slimmers stick faithfully to their diets? Are you and I really living on the same planet? Millions of cows, pigs, sheep and other farm animals are slaughtered every week. Some animals are killed by having their throats cut - they slowly bleed to death. Some are given an electric shock which paralyses them first (it does not make them unconscious). I am convinced that animals who die in abattoirs are murdered slowly and that they die terrified and without dignity. In my view people who work in abattoirs have the moral and ethical scruples of gas chamber guards killing Jews during the Second World War. Anyone who supports what goes on in abattoirs must, in my view, be callous, indifferent and psychopathic. Sensitive, compassionate, loving readers should not associate with or have any social or business contact with anyone who works in or for an abattoir. Let's boycott abattoir workers and ostracise them from society.

Reduced To Crumbling Embarrassment

Is it true that there is a special, secret technique which nurses use to reduce an erection to crumbling embarrassment if they come face to face with one on the wards when, for example, giving a bed bath?

Yes. Nurses throughout the world are told that when a male pa- tient has an erection they should look hard, bend closer and say: 'I thought it was.' The patient will always then reply: 'Was what?' And the nurse concludes: 'One of those squidgy little things you occasionally find hiding on the underside of a lettuce leaf when a salad hasn't been washed properly.'

Sweet And Loving

My husband is very sweet and loving and he does his best in bed but unfortunately he is not terribly well endowed in that department. His penis is not much bigger than one of my fingers.

Just think of the advantages! For example, if your husband ever has the misfortune to have both hands in plaster he will still be able to use a telephone.

A Major Cause Of Social Unrest

We are a group of social workers. Will you please lead our campaign to ban all soft porn 'girlie' magazines? We believe that the sale of magazines containing photographs of naked women is a major cause of social unrest.

I believe that soft porn magazines help reduce sexual frustration and have a valuable calming and relaxing effect on many people. The world famous Hugo Furst and his team of researchers have shown that blue 'girlie' magazines do considerably more good than all the social workers in the world. I would happily join or lead a campaign to ban all social workers but I doubt if that is quite what you had in mind.

Always On The Lookout

Once a month my wife and I attend a party. After a few drinks everyone puts on a blindfold and then strips off. The host and hostess (who do not put on blindfolds but do take off their clothes) write all the mens' names on pieces of paper. The blindfolded ladies then pick their partners. Each male and female pairing are then led to a part of the house where they can make love. When we've all finished we return to the living room, have coffee and something to eat and try to guess who we've made love to. (My wife picked out my name once but we weren't disappointed.) We are always on the look out for new couples. The only rules are that men must always wear a condom and no anal sex is allowed. I'm sure that if my family and workmates knew what we do they would be shocked but we're not hurting anyone.

People say that television has killed home entertainment and the art of conversation but your letter proves that this is certainly not the case. It's wonderful to know that in your community the spirit of brotherly (and sisterly) love still runs strong. In Victorian times friends and neighbours would gather around the piano, sing hymns, exchange embroidery tips and play hunt the thimble. These days friends and neighbours strip naked, lie on top of the piano, play hide the thimble and sing out 'Allelujah!' So little has changed.

High Heeled Shoes

My husband likes me to wear high heeled shoes. But I find them most uncomfortable. Why do men get turned on by women in high heels?

Wearing high heeled shoes automatically tucks in the buttocks, tightens and tones the leg muscles and pushes the breasts up higher. And the instability of high heels gives an alluring wiggle to a walk. The overall result will be that you will look much sexier when you're wearing high heels than you will when you're wearing combat boots or thick soled trainers. But if you find high heels uncomfortable why not keep them for special occasions? Some women only ever wear high heeled shoes in the bedroom - a part of the house where they know that they are unlikely to do much walking but where the erotic effects of their footwear is most likely to be appreciated and produce satisfactory dividends.

Fantastic Condition

I work as a personal trainer. I visit my clients at home or in their offices. I recently acquired a new client - a married woman in her early forties. She is in fantastic condition and has a gorgeous figure. After a recent workout she asked me to give her a massage. Believing that the customer is always right I said I would. She stripped off and lay down on the floor. After massaging her back, her arms, her legs and, at her request, her buttocks, I had the shock of my life when she sat up, threw away her towel and lay down on her back - stark naked. She then asked me to massage her chest. When I hesitated she gently took my hand and put it on one of her breasts and told me to be gentle. While I very slowly and gently massaged her breasts she reached into my shorts and started to play with me. Moments later she reached up and pulled my shorts down to my ankles. The sex was incredible. Do you think it would be ethical for me to see her again? I am booked to visit her next week but I have a suspicion that the same thing could happen once more.

I confess that I wasn't aware that personal trainers were expected to subscribe to a code of ethics. Are you really likely to be hauled in front of a committee of pin striped incontinents and stripped of your gym shoes and tee shirt if you continue to provide your client with a more than usually comprehensive work-out? Assuming that neither of you have regular partners of your own, and that you take the usual precautions to avoid infection and pregnancy, the big question you have to ask yourself is: Do I continue to charge this woman for my services? Maybe a suitable compromise would be to charge her for the time you spend with your shorts on but provide shorts-off services as a perk. I don't think you need worry too much about what you are doing. After all, most big companies now provide a similar service. Every day, all over the country, millions of customers hand over money and get screwed.

A Small Dress Shop

I like dressing in women's clothes. My wife doesn't know and so I have to be very careful. I recently passed a small dress shop which was holding a sale and spotted a really beautiful dress in the window. It was my size and the price was very reasonable. I entered the shop, which was empty, intending to purchase the dress and pretend it was for my wife but the sales assistant, a statuesque woman in her late thirties, was so kind that I ended up admitting that I was buying it for me. When she asked me if I wanted to try it on you could have knocked me down with a feather. I took the dress into the changing room, slipped off my ordinary clothes and put it on. 'How does it look?' called the assistant. I pulled back the curtain and showed her. 'It looks nice on you but it's a bit loose across the chest,' she said. I explained that was because I wasn't wearing a bra. 'I'm afraid we don't sell lingerie,' said the assistant, rather apologetically. She paused for a moment and looked around. The shop was deserted. 'Why don't you borrow mine?' I could hardly believe my ears. Before I could say anything she slipped into the adjoining changing booth and stripped off, handing me her bra and tights. I removed the dress and put the undies on, stuffing a pile of tissues into the bra. I then put the dress back on. This time it fitted perfectly. Then, to my amazement, the nearly naked shop assistant slipped into my changing booth to have a look. Suddenly, she started giggling and pointed to the front of the dress where something that looked like a small tent pole was straining at the material. 'I'd better help you get rid of that,' she said, dropping to her knees and pulling the dress up to my waist. Have you ever heard of this sort of thing happening before?

It happens all the time. Dr Ludo Snakzenladers' survey of trans- vestite shoppers showed that 46% had experienced something similar. Moreover 94% reported that the dream had recurred at least three times.

Sanctimonious, Preening Prigs

Please wear this red ribbon for AIDS awareness.

I'll wear your red ribbon if you, and all the other sanctimonious, preening, self conscious social prigs who currently mince around wearing red ribbons will start wearing green ribbons to raise awareness of bowel cancer - a disease which has killed far more people than AIDS. It is still fashionable to hold social events for AIDS but when was the last time celebrities put on their best suits and frocks to help patients with bowel cancer? How many programmes about bowel cancer have you seen on TV? Strangely, and rather nauseatingly, some of those who still try to maintain the long discredited and always nonsensical myth that AIDS is going to kill us all (and who would doubtless become hysterical if anyone dared to make a joke about AIDS) seem to find it perfectly acceptable to make poor jokes and snide comments about bowel disease.

Incensed

Why are you so rude about social workers? I represent a group of social workers. We are incensed by your attitude. Ours is a valuable profession. As a doctor you should have more respect for social workers. Unless you publish an apology we will take this matter further. We intend to make formal complaints. If necessary we will also take out an injunction to prevent you repeating your slanderous comments.

Since I first started writing about social workers I have received a great deal of mail. The letters can be divided into two groups. Most of the mail comes from members of the public and all of this mail supports my views about social workers. A much smaller amount of mail comes from social workers. On the whole this consists of illiterate, badly written gibberish. My contempt for social workers goes back a long way to the days when I practised as a doctor. Late one night, I made the tentative diagnosis that a patient of mine had cancer. I needed to admit her to hospital urgently. She was in considerable pain and needed a good deal of attention. So I arranged for a hospital bed and telephoned for an ambulance. I then telephoned the emergency number for the local social workers and explained that because I was sending their mother into hospital there were three young children who needed care. The social worker who was on call told me that he couldn't do anything about the problem because he couldn't leave the office. He told me that he had to stay where he was so that he could answer emergency calls. When I explained that this was an emergency and that I had three small children who needed somewhere to spend the night he told me to ring the following morning so that a conference could be arranged and a case officer assigned. That was when I first realised that social workers are a complete and utter waste of time, space and money. Many subsequent experiences entirely confirmed that realisation.

Two Suckers

I have very large breasts (I wear a 48FF sized bra). I would like them to be a bit smaller but I do not want to have breast reduction surgery. My boyfriend says that if he sucks my nipples every evening they will gradually get smaller. Is he telling the truth?

The delectable Miss Mycupes Overphloeninck, who wears a size 58KK bra and whose breasts were once identified as navigational hazards when she was floating on her back in the sea off Bournemouth, tells me that her nipples have been sucked at least once (and sometimes twice) nightly since 1963 but that there has been no appreciable diminution in the size of her bosom. She has, however, made a lot of men very, very happy. I believe that her generosity of spirit and goodwill to all men merits an award in the next Honours List. (She would, surely, be far more worthy a recipient than any prissy little local government official.)

Weapons Maintain Peace

I strongly disapprove of your attempts to get all weapons banned. I work for the arms industry. We play an important part in maintaining peace around the world.

There are four million unexploded land mines in Bosnia and fif- teen million in Angola but a spokesman for the Ministry of Killing People tells me that this is OK because small children regularly tread on them and blow them up. Arms dealer and official government spokesman Dr Hans Kneesandbumpsadaisy told me: 'Allowing children to step on them is not only a cheap way to clear landmines but is also giving a huge commercial boost to the artificial limb industry.'

Dr Hans Kneesandbumpsadaisy

You recently quoted someone called Dr Hans Kneesandbumpsadaisy. Is there really such a person or did you make him up? My friend says you made the name up. I say he must be real.

I am delighted to be able to tell you, without any equivocation whatsoever, that one of you is absolutely right. By the way, Dr Hans Kneesandbumpsadaisy tells me that he is now selling time share rights to prime building plots in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Moreover, he says he will send every purchaser next week's winning Lottery numbers and a hereditary peerage.

Untouched By Human Gland

What is the hymen and what is it for?

The hymen is a thin layer of tissue which partially covers the vaginal opening in young unsullied girls, as yet untouched by human gland. It is nature's equivalent of the seal on a tamper proof pack - providing evidence that the contents within are fresh and unadulterated in any way. In many ancient civilisations it was commonly believed that when a woman lost her virginity there would be pain and bleeding as the hymen ruptured. This belief is still adhered to in southern American states, Pretoria and much of Huddersfield. Japanese women traditionally sewed together hymen remnants to make blankets for the poor and weedy. Incidentally, I am reliably informed that the whale is the only animal where a genuine raison d'etre has been found for the hymen: it keeps the water out.

Psychotherapists

What do you think of psychotherapists?

I think most of them are of less use than a hairdresser with a good line in gossip and gentle chairside chit-chat. And when you chat to a hairdresser you get your hair done too.

Heavy Petting

What is meant by heavy petting? My boyfriend says he would like to do it and I don't want to admit that I don't really know what it means.

The British Organisation Of Bacchanalian Sexologists (BOOBS) has recently published an authoritative, illustrated manual entitled 'A Guide To Petting, Fondling And Groping' (published by Bigthick Books Ltd). The manual defines four clear categories of petting: 'Tentative Petting' (also known as 'Fondling'), 'Light Petting', 'Earnest Petting' and 'Heavy Petting'. During 'Tentative Petting' both participants keep all their clothes on and remain at arms' length. 'Tentative Petting' is only done in the dark. In 'Light Petting' the protagonists move closer and may switch on the lights; they remain fully clothed but each participant may place one hand (and one hand only) inside the clothing of the other participant; although clothing may not be unfastened or removed and the hand must be removed after three minutes or before serious signs of sexual arousal develop. During 'Earnest Petting' each partner may unfasten, unzip or remove one item of clothing belonging to the other partner and ten minutes of freestyle rummaging is allowed.

For 'Heavy Petting' there are no limits to the number of items of clothing which may be unfastened or unzipped but no more than three items of clothing can be completely removed. (I checked with the luscious Fiona Lightfinger, Secretary General of BOOBS, co-author of this study and an undie-graduate at Barnstaple University, and discovered that an item of clothing is officially considered to be still 'worn' if it is connected in any way to that individual's body. So, for example, a bra which is down around a woman's waist is still 'worn', as are knickers which are around the owner's ankles.) There is no time limit to 'Heavy Petting' which does not have to stop when participants become sexually aroused.

Unusually Large

I have an unusually large penis (it is nearly ten inches long when erect). My wife sufferers frequently with cystitis caused by a bruised bladder. Do you have any suggestions?

One possibility is for you to send your wife to Aberdeen while you yourself take a train to Dorking. When the two of you have sex citizens at points on the route between these two places will probably think they are enduring an unusually shaped eclipse. A more practical solution is for you to persuade your bruised but bravely smiling partner to wrap her hand around the lower part of the shaft of your penis. This will stop too much of your organ sliding inside her when you are making love. You may enjoy it too. Men who do not have several inches to spare may still find this technique pleasurable.

Three Or More

My wife has always wanted to make love with three or more men at once. She fantasises about this a good deal when we are making love. She insists that her fantasy is no reflection on my love making skills. I don't mind and would be prepared to take part and watch.

First, I don't think it is possible for your wife to make love to three or more men at once. She can have sex with a hundred men a day but there is an important difference between 'having sex' and 'making love'. Second, I don't think that your not 'minding' is quite enough. If you're going to stand around and watch your wife playing 'bury the piccolo in the triangle' with the owners of a veritable orchestra of organs it is important that you approach the whole exercise with rather more whole hearted enthusiasm. I am sure you do not need warning of the physical hazards (infection and pregnancy being the most obvious two) but you should also be aware that your relationship may be endangered by jealousies and guilts if you go ahead with turning your wife's not uncommon fantasy into reality.

Can't Get A Date

I can't get a date. My friend says if I got a car I would be much more likely to find a girl prepared to go out with me. Do you think this can possibly be true?

A recent survey showed (sadly) that it isn't just not having a car that can count against you at dating time. Having the wrong sort of car can be a real downer too - with some women. The survey showed that three times as many women as men are likely to accept or decline a date because of the make and age of car the other person drove. Other surveys have shown that whereas men give most emphasis to a woman's physical features when contemplating a date, there are some women around who are more interested in whether or not a man is 'going places' - and a flashy car is a sign that he might be. Sad, innit? Still, the good news is that there are plenty of women around who are rather more discerning and look further than a guy's radiator before deciding whether or not to give him a chance.

Waiting For The Best

My girlfriend and I are about to set up home together. She wants to wait until we can afford to buy the best of everything. I want to look for bargains and get everything we need as soon as possible. Rather than argue about it we decided to let you decide for us.

William Morris, the designer and poet, once wrote: 'Have noth- ing in your home that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful'. I think he was right. It's an interesting exercise to look around your home and judge everything you can see according to these simple rules. (But I'm afraid that you have to put up with the kids even if they fail on both counts).

Garlic

Is it true that garlic has antibacterial and antiseptic qualities?

Yes. I believe so. But I suppose this might just be simply because if your breath smells of garlic no one will come close enough to you to give you their cold.

Worst Nightmare

What is your worst nightmare?

Dead writer Franz Kafka once wrote a horrifying, nightmarish story called Metamorphosis about a man who woke up to find out that he had become an insect. I can think of a far more horrifying scenario. Just imagine waking up and finding out that you had been turned into a lawyer.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. If that doesn't make you go cold inside then you are probably already dead. (Or a lawyer - which in the view of two wardrobes and an occasional table I know could be much the same thing).

Ill Informed

People like you who campaign for animals make me sick. None of you care a jot for people.

I'm afraid you are as ill informed as you are probably stupid. The truth is that people who care for animals also care for people. And vice versa. The greatest proponents of human rights (Wilberforce, Thoreau et al) have invariably also argued for animal rights. Those who support, approve of or condone barbaric cruelty to animals (hunting, animal experiments, bull fighting etc) are also the sort of people who support, condone or approve of mindless cruelty to human beings.

Away For The Weekend

My boyfriend is taking me away for the weekend in two weeks time. He has booked a double room at a hotel. We are both virgins and neither of us have any sexual experience. We have read several books on the subject. Do you have any tips for us?

First, take your time. Cherish each moment. Second, do not ex- pect too much of your first sexual experience. Third, remember that however successful (or unsuccessful) your first experience is the chances are good that you will get better at it the more you do it. I lost my virginity in a girls' dormitory. Her friends all stood around in the corridor yelling encouragement through the keyhole. They wouldn't shut up or go away until my red faced girlfriend yelled back, thanking them for their support and telling them that their encouragement was no longer required. I just hope I get another go before too long. I am quite convinced that I could do better if I had a second chance.

Just Been Promoted

I've just been promoted at work. I thought my mother would be pleased. But she didn't seem at all pleased. She simply wanted to moan about the fact that my car hadn't been washed for three weeks.

Some mothers are like that. They expect a lot and sometimes for get to sweeten the criticism with a little praise. An entirely unreliable survey conducted in the midlands showed that 52.6% of mothers would, if their sons became Prime Minister of every European country, won all four Nobel prizes and every Olympic gold medal, respond by telling them to get a hair cut and smarten themselves up. Some men who succeed do so through personal ambition and drive but most do so because they are constantly striving to please their mothers; a task which is in many cases quite impossible. Try to come to terms with the fact that you will probably never hear your mother say: 'Well done, son. I'm proud of you.' And try to derive some comfort from self satisfaction - and from the support of those around you. Otherwise you will end up a workaholic and have a heart attack before you are fifty. (Your mother will then turn up at your funeral and tell everyone that she was always telling you to slow down.)

Behaved Really Stupidly

I have fallen out with my best friend and I am very depressed about it. I behaved really stupidly and I now feel really bad about what happened. I desperately want us to be friends again.

Phone or write and tell her how you feel. Then add: 'What do you want me to do?' And do your best to do whatever it is she wants you to do. You can use those seven words to ease many difficult situations and solve all sorts of crises.

Politicians And Lawyers

Why is anal sex between husband and wife illegal but allowed when two gay men do it?

Simply because politicians and lawyers approve of anal sex be- tween gays but not when heterosexuals do it. You will have to make up your mind what this tells us about politicians and lawyers.

A Career In Broadcasting

I would like to take up a career in broadcasting. Can you please give me some advice?

I don't think broadcasting can be accurately defined as a 'career'. The word 'career' suggests 'skill', and 'training'. But anyone can 'do' broadcasting. Just look around at some of the dumbos on TV and you'll soon see how easy it is to present a TV programme. Dr Luke B Forulipe and Lady Cynthia Fawcett-Innard, who were World Underwater Tango Champions (1923-26), who are now joint lecturers in Meeja Studies at the University of East Lynton, and who have just been given a 26 part Channel 4 series to explore the socio-historical significance of the porcelain thimble, told me that anyone with no cerebral tissue or hormones can become a television star but I do believe that the hormone deficiency may be optional.

Office Party

At Christmas I went to an office party. I wore a tight fitting mini skirt without any knickers and I put on a semi see through blouse. I never wear a bra even though I have quite full breasts. The only underwear I wore was a suspender belt and a pair of black, seamed stockings. Just as I was about to leave the house my boyfriend grabbed me, said I made him feel randy, and had sex with me. At the end of the evening three male friends offered to take me home from the office. One drove, one sat in the front and the third got into the back of the car with me. He immediately started fondling me and kissing my breasts through my blouse. He then quickly unfastened my blouse and pulled my skirt down. Within minutes I found myself being made love to, virtually naked, as we drove along. The guy who was making love to me seemed to come for ever. When he had finished the driver stopped the car, two of the guys swapped places and the man who had been in the front passenger seat made love to me. Eventually, all three of them made love to me. When they finally dropped me back at the flat my boyfriend wanted to make love again. I was a complete mess and I thought he'd guess what must have happened but he didn't. I'm now worried that I might get pregnant. Is it possible that the amount of come that was spurted into me could have overcome the protection of the contraceptive pill which I take? It is one of the ordinary oestrogen-progestogen 'combined' pills.

The pill you take works by preventing ovulation so the amount of sperm deposited inside you has no effect on your chances of becoming pregnant. The sperm swimming around are going to be constantly disappointed without any eggs to fertilize. But it would be sensible for you to check that your busy evening has not left you with any infection.

No Male Model

My girlfriend is always going on about the fact that I am ugly. She makes a joke about it with everyone we meet. I know I'm no male model but it's really getting me down.

Women tend to forget that men are just as sensitive as they are, and every bit as susceptible to flattery. True love and well intentioned flattery (either alone or in combination) are the most potent aphrodisiacs known to man or woman. I suggest you pluck up the courage to beg your girlfriend to lighten the insults with a few compliments. If she fails to understand the way you feel then she's almost certainly too insensitive for you - and she'll make your life miserable. She sounds as though she can probably slice concrete with her tongue. I suggest that you may have to swap her for someone or something more likely to bring a little sunshine into your life.

Caught Playing With Myself

My mother caught me playing with myself the other day. She slapped me and told me that my fingers will fall off. She also threatened to tell my Dad if she ever catches me at it again.

Stop worrying. You won't lose any fingers. Politicians have all their fingers and they do it professionally. And don't worry too much about your Mum and Dad. I'll bet you a dirty magazine to the Gross Domestic Output of Germany that they both do it too. You don't think your Dad spends all that time in his garden shed because he likes gardening do you? Rumours about the hazards of masturbation were all started by thin-lipped, middle-aged women with blue hair and impenetrable two way stretch underwear who think that sex are large bags used by postmen and men delivering coal (As in: 'Don't put those empty sex there, you nasty, little man.')

Extremely Childish

I is a traffic warden. I thinked your remarks about traffic wardens was extremely childish. To become a traffic warden you has to pass a series of tests. Only 1 in 100 pass.

I was surprised to discover that you are absolutely right. Traffic wardens do have to take a test. Here it is (in its entirety). 1: Name a difference between a four wheeled car with an engine and a bicycle with two wheels and no engine. 2: Spell these words: 'thick', 'miserable', 'git'. 3: A heavily pregnant woman carrying three shopping bags approaches a vehicle to which you about to attach a ticket. Do you say: a) 'Sorry, missus, I've written out the ticket now' or b) 'Serves you right you stupid old cow'. (For the sake of those who are studying to become traffic wardens the correct answers are: 1: either 'two wheels' or 'an engine'; 2: 'thick', 'miserable', 'git'; 3: b) is the correct answer (answer a) includes an apology and is therefore inappropriate and unprofessional; all traffic wardens are taught that if they are in any doubt about how to act on the street they should imagine that they are gestapo officers and act accordingly).

Small Nipples

My nipples are very small. Will they grow? I am 18 and a virgin.

Your nipples will get bigger whenever you are sexually aroused. They will, however, go back to being small again afterwards. To get an idea of how much they will grow simply splash some cold water on them and stand back. Pregnancy and breastfeeding will result in slower but longer term enlargement of your nipples. But do not worry about the size of your nipples, however small or large they may be. No truly loving relationship has ever been influenced by the size of any anatomical part or parts.

Unusual And Dangerous Places

My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to spice up our sex lives by making love in unusual and even dangerous places. Please tell us twelve places where we must make love and we will follow your instructions to the letter.

Adding a little zip to a sex life can sometimes revive a flagging relationship where sex has become a humdrum and routine chore. So, here's your dirty dozen. You can do them in any order you like.

1) on a train (but not in the loo - that's too easy)
2) in a shop doorway (during daylight)
3) on a crowded beach
4) in someone else's garden
5) in a restaurant (you can use the loos)
6) in a telephone box
7) in a lift in a public building
8) at a motorway service station
9) in the sea
10) on a bridge
11) on a good length on a cricket pitch
12) on a park bench. Please be careful and discreet - if you get into trouble you're on your own. Naturally, you must both reach orgasm. Let me know how you scored! Other readers must not attempt any of these dangerous and possibly illegal acts without an authorisation note signed by the Home Secretary and two consenting Chief Constables.

Two Virgins

I am a virgin and so is my fianc‚. We are getting married in August but are finding it difficult to wait. We masturbate one another to orgasm every Friday and Saturday evenings but would like to go a little further than this without compromising our virginal status. Do you have any suggestions?

You could try a matin‚e on Wednesdays. Or maybe go wild and try for a double performance on Saturdays. Alternatively, if your definition of virginity is fairly broad (as it seems to be) there are several other ways in which you can both reach satisfaction without interlocking your matching pieces in the traditional way.

His Erection Lasts As Long As A Politician's Promise

I am sure that my boyfriend and I would have a good sex life if only it lasted longer. Our problem is that his erection seems to last about as long as a politician's promise. I don't lie there with a stop watch in my hand so I can't tell you exactly how long it lasts but I can tell you that it isn't long enough. Just as I'm getting into the thrust of things it's all over. It's most frustrating. Can you help? My boyfriend's doctor has given the equipment the once over and insists that there is no physical problem but I need an orgasm and I'm relying on you.

I'm a bit tied up at the moment and doubt if I can get round before a week on Thursday but I think I can help you nevertheless. Men always blame their tools when things go wrong but in cases of what doctors call 'premature ejaculation', men call 'coming too soon' and women sorrowfully describe as a disappointing end to the evening the problems are usually mental rather than physical.

Video Cameras

Vandalism in our area is rife. Why are you opposed to the use of video cameras? Surely if there were more cameras around vandals and hooligans would cause less trouble.

Frank, Incense & Muir, Solicitors and Commissioners for Oaths & General Bad Language, and accredited freemasons to the gentry, have reported that vandalism is now so common that the rector of a church in the midlands has installed video cameras. The vicar is apparently worried that he will turn up for work one Sunday morning and find the church gone and the spire propped up on bricks. I have several objections to video cameras. I don't think they are a very good deterrent (though they are a boon to the ski mask industry) and I fear that the pictures produced are often so fuzzy that it would be difficult to tell whether the person on camera is a big black boxer or a small white ballerina. Most important of all I do not like the idea of living in a world where video cameras intrude into every private moment. People who have sex in shop doorways expect to attract curious (and envious) glances from passers by but do not expect to have to watch themselves on TV six months later.

Dominating Mothers

There is much awareness of the fact that some mothers won't let go out of their sons and dominate them even after marriage but this applies to daughters too. My wife's parents choose the clothes my children wear and even pick the wallpaper for our house. Every Friday I hand my wages over to my wife and she clears off to her parents until late on Sunday night. My experience is not unique. I know a woman who has fainting turns if her daughter mentions setting up home with her boyfriend, or even talks about spending a night away from home.

You are, of course, absolutely right. There are probably as many mother dominated daughters around as there are mother dominated sons. It is undoubtedly politically incorrect to be rude about mothers in law but the fact is that interfering mothers in law probably cause more marital stress than money worries, sexual incompatibility or any other collection of factors. Breaking the apron strings can be difficult (especially when, as is so often the case, the mother or mother in law involved plays the 'guilt' card with skill) but it is essential. No individual should allow his or her life to be ruled or regulated by his or her partner's relatives.

Disgusting Proposal

What are your views on the campaign to allow homosexuals to be members of Her Majesty's Forces? I myself think such a proposal is quite disgusting. Soldiers do not want poofters in the army and they will not tolerate them. Homosexuality is immoral and if I had my way it would still be illegal.

You are completely wrong to say that soldiers do not want poofters in the army. Research done by Ben Dover and Isle Fawcett-Innard, currently available only in a limp edition, has shown that there are already more homosexuals in the army than there are in just about any other civilian profession - with the possible exceptions of window dressing and town planning. But I was interested to read your assertion that soldiers will not tolerate something they do not like. Silly me, I always thought soldiers did what they were damned well told. If a good soldier is one who obeys orders then surely soldiers will embrace homosexuality with open arms and dropped trousers if that is what they are told to do.

The First Six Or Seven Inches

I always wear a condom when having sex - even if the girl I'm having sex with takes the contraceptive pill. I do this to protect myself against infection. But although I have tried all sorts of condoms I have not been able to find one which completely covers my penis. Does this matter?

According to my good friend Herman Dribbledick a condom should cover the first six or seven inches of a penis. Naturally, this will almost inevitably mean that the other half of the penis will remain uncovered.

Shared Fantasies

My girlfriend and I often share fantasies. Last weekend she told me that she fantasises about making love to another woman. I told her that to watch her do it would be my favourite fantasy come true. But two days later when I told her that I'd invited a woman I know to come and join us for a threesome she freaked out! Why?

Have you had your brains removed and replaced with cold por- ridge? You have displayed all the sense and sensitivity of a local government officer. There is an enormous amount of difference between fantasy and reality. A recent entirely unreliable survey showed that 98.45% of women regularly fantasise about being made love to by hot blooded Arabian princes, Mel Gibson, Sean Connery or entire national football teams. However, only 67.6% of those women are prepared to turn their fantasies into reality.

Embarrassing Problem

I have a very embarrassing problem. I am rather inexperienced sexually and I find that whenever I get close to an attractive girl I get a huge erection. Last night I went to a party and met a beautiful girl. We were dancing together and because I had an erection I tried to keep a couple of inches away from her. However, she pushed herself against me and I could tell by her face that she was aware of my erection. When she deliberately started rubbing herself against me I came in my trousers.

The sort of situation you describe is fairly common. Indeed, how much longer will it be before a TV producer will create a TV series (I suggest the title 'Come Dancing') based on exactly the sort of occurrence you describe? The prizes could be awarded to the dancers who manage to come first. It is, of course, always important to remember that certain stains become unusually visible (actually fluorescent) under the sort of ultra violet lighting often favoured in night clubs and discos and so you would probably be wise to wear two pairs of underpants in future. If you find these socially ill timed erections and early ejaculations embarrassing you may find some comfort in the knowledge that both are likely to become less common as you become more experienced in sexual matters.

Once Persuaded

I quite agree with you that doctors should not ask their patients to appear on television programmes with them. I was once persuaded by my doctor to appear on TV to talk about my (very personal) health problem. For months afterwards I felt so embarrassed and self conscious that I hardly dared go out of the house. Looking back I feel that I was 'used' and taken advantage of. The TV company got good programme fodder and I am sure my doctor got paid. I got nothing out of it except a glass of cheap wine. I am also worried about the way that film crews now seem to live in hospitals and often seem to accompany the police and other emergency services when they are called out.

I share your concern. People who need any sort of emergency care are (almost by definition) extremely vulnerable. And yet every ambulance, police car and fire engine seems to come equipped with a camera crew these days. Television is a hideously intrusive medium, largely managed by witless halfwits who probably think 'ethics' is the English county where girls in white shoes dance round their handbags. Those involved often try to excuse their exploitation of the innocent by claiming that they have obtained permission to film. I think this is a nonsense. Frightened, vulnerable and nervous individuals are rarely in a position to say 'No, sod off' when a grinning television crew moron with a clipboard asks them to sign a release form. My advice is simple: if you are filmed while seeking help from any of the emergency services, and are either not asked for your permission or feel embarrassed about refusing to give your permission, find out who the crew is working for and demand a massive fee. Tell the snotty little oiks that you want to be paid a repeat fee every time the item is shown again. My guess is that they'll suddenly find something else they want to film.

Part Time Prostitute

I work part time as a prostitute and recently a number of my clients have started asking for anal sex. A few years ago when I started brassing it was very rare indeed to get a customer interested in sex up the back - it was something I always used to regard as rather odd and I always said 'No'. These days I have around 40 customers a week and around half of them ask for anal sex. What do you think about this?

I hope you always insist that your customers use a condom - which ever entrance they use. One of the main risks associated with anal sex is AIDS because sex involving the back passage is particularly likely to cause bleeding (especially if the organ being inserted is an exceptionally large one).

Two Lawyers

Both my husband and my son are lawyers and I strongly object to your rude remarks about their profession. If you say anything else rude about lawyers they will take the appropriate action against you.

Buy yourself a vibrator and give yourself a smile. I don't usually tell jokes (largely because I can never remember them) but here is my current favourite. A lawyer is cross examining a doctor in court. 'Before you signed the death certificate,' begins the lawyer, 'did you listen to the man's chest to see if he was breathing?' The doctor said he did not. 'Did you take the man's pulse?' asked the lawyer. The doctor said he did not. 'So,' said the lawyer, with one of those clever legal smirks, 'you signed the man's death certificate without taking any steps to make sure that he was dead?' 'When I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk,' said the doctor coldly. He thought for a moment and then added: 'But, I suppose he could still be out there somewhere practising law.' Please feel free to write and complain.

He Can Clear A Crowded Room Faster Than A Fire Alarm

My husband passes a lot of wind. It comes out at the bottom end and he can clear a crowded room faster than a fire alarm. Do you have any advice for him? He has been to see his doctor who has examined him and found absolutely nothing wrong.

A survey of representatives of the legal profession, conducted by three bassoonists, an accounts clerk and a lift operator, showed that 76% of solicitors produce at least fifteen litres of gas every 24 hours. Members of the legal profession are such accomplished and potent farteurs that one important and well known court house (which, in the unexpected interests of discretion I decline to name) has to be anchored to the ground with well hidden steel ropes. Smoking is banned in courtrooms throughout the country because judges fear that a single lit match may produce an explosion. Solicitors produce a lot of warm wind because they are full of hot air but human beings in good health who fart a good deal usually do so because of something they have eaten. Baked beans, some green vegetables, spicy foods, onion soup and many other delicacies can produce this singularly unattractive effect. I suggest that you and your husband tinker with his diet to try to find the items which are responsible. Meanwhile, if you and your husband have to go out in public I suggest that you try to stand near to a solicitor so that there will always be someone to blame.

Nothing Is Impossible

Is it possible to become pregnant through swallowing semen? What does semen contain?

Nothing is impossible and I suppose that if you have a fistula between your intestinal tract and your uterus there is a vague chance that you could get pregnant by swallowing semen. But the chances of this happening are not high. Semen contains a number of ingredients which combine together to give it its characteristic horsechestnut pollen smell and salty taste. In addition to lots of wriggling spermatozoa there are secretions from the prostate gland, protein, sugar and vitamin C. Semen is so rich in nutrients that in some African tribes it is collected during initiation ceremonies and used as a health remedy. It always seems a pity that so much semen is wasted. I recently heard of a woman who carefully empties the contents of each condom used by her husband into a plastic container which she keeps in the freezer. She then uses the contents of this container as a thickening agent when making cakes. I am told that the cakes she bakes are always the first to be sold at church bazaars and summer fetes. Customers frequently ask the woman for her recipe. A minister's wife once said: 'My, what a wonderful taste. I can't think what it reminds me of.' (You must not do this, of course. It could be extremely dangerous and spread infection.)

Only Five Inches Long

Last week my girlfriend asked me to make love to her. I made an excuse and went home because I am worried about the size of my penis. It is only 5 inches long when fully erect.

Your penis is plenty long enough to thrill your girlfriend. It is true that there are men with larger penises than you have got. But there are also plenty of men with smaller ones too. If your girlfriend loves you then she won't care a fig for the size of your equipment. And if she doesn't love you but just wants you for sex then you will still be able to satisfy her. Your penis is just one of the parts of your body with which you can take your girlfriend on long, eventful journeys.

Worried What People Will Think

I would like to become a hairdresser but I am worried about what my mates will think of me. Most of my pals think of hairdressing as a cissy business but I think I'd like to try it. What do you suggest?

You should never worry too much (if at all) about what other people think about you and you should never let other peoples prejudices and blind bigotry affect what you choose to do with your life. Just do what you want to do and what you feel is right - but try to do it with style and with passion.

Large Breasts And Flimsy Bras

A girl with whom I work has very large breasts but wears extremely flimsy bras which do not give her bosom the support it deserves. She sits near me and constantly crosses and uncrosses her legs in such a way that I cannot help but notice her underwear. The result of all this is that I spend the day in a constant state of arousal. Since I am well endowed in that department I am frequently embarrassed and feel humiliated by my colleagues remarks.

There are several avenues open to you. First, you could endeav- our to discover whether or not your well endowed colleague is prepared to help you satisfy the hunger she is arousing. (Ask her if she would like to go out with you). Second, you could provide her with a restructuring facility designed to minimise vertical and horizontal mammary movement. (Buy her a new and more domineering bra). Third, you could tactically redefine the visual stimuli causing you so much emotional distress and responsible for so many genital ups and downs. (Turn your desk round so that instead of gazing into heaven all day long you stare at Mr Willoughby's 1983 calendar of Swiss alpine plants).

The Thought Of Being Spanked Turns Me On

I am a 25 year old woman. You may find this hard to believe but the thought of being spanked really turns me on. I have only ever been spanked once. I was in the fifth form at school and I got the slipper in front of a class of first year pupils. At the time I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. But now that I m older the thought of that day when I was told to bend over her desk and she smacked my bottom in front of all those children makes me feel very horny. I've got lots of friends, a good job and really nice parents. I have never told anyone about my fantasy. Do you think I am a freak because I secretly enjoy a punishment I received over ten years ago when I was at school?

No, you're not a freak. Millions of people enjoy similar secret fantasies. A few may, with the aid of a helpful partner, turn their fantasies into reality. Most are simply content with the fantasies. If you could look into the minds of your friends, relatives and colleagues you would, I assure you, be astounded at some of the fantasies lingering there. Generally speaking, the more aloof, uptight and 'proper' the individual the dirtier and raunchier the fantasy. That plum voiced woman down the road probably has wet dreams about Arabian princes who are as well hung as the horses they ride. The bespectacled and mustachioed schoolmistress probably fantasies about erotic moments with a giant courgette.

The Greatest Sin Of All

What do you think is the greatest sin of all?

Apathy. Without apathy evil would not thrive. Silence is not golden. It is yellow. Apathy is often born of fear. But what are so many people frightened of?

High Sex Drive

I am 36 years old and have a much higher sex drive than my boyfriend. We have sex three or four times a week but I find it very frustrating when I want to have sex and he doesn't. I have bought myself a vibrator but it is not the same as the real thing. Is it possible to take any medication which will reduce my sex drive? I would never dream of being unfaithful to him.

When you're in need of help - let your fingers do the work! Ask him if he'd like to watch. Or, better still, persuade him to lend you his fingers on those occasions when he doesn't feel quite up to getting down to it.

An Exceedingly Dangerous Individual

I think you are an exceedingly dangerous individual. You are constantly encouraging your readers to rebel against authority. Someone in your position should encourage your readers to be more - not less - obedient. Our society would be much better if more people did what they were told and obeyed the rules.

Hitler's Germany was packed, border to border, with citizens who thought that obedience was a virtue. There are times (and those times are growing more and more frequent in our increasingly wicked society) when every thoughtful individual of integrity is obliged to protest.

Is The Sea Safe?

Do you think it is safe to swim in the sea? I know that some beaches are said to be clean. But do you believe they really are safe?

I wouldn't swim in the sea anywhere in the world. I really don't understand how one part of the sea can be said to be 'clean' while another part is alleged to be 'dirty'. If you dropped a bucketful of sewage into one end of your bath would you still bathe in the other end? To claim that one part of the sea is reliably and consistently 'pure' while the sea washing into the next bay is 'dirty' seems to me to imply a certain level of innocence. The widespread reckless dumping of sewage, chemicals, oil and other refuse, the unpredictability of the wind and the eccentricities of the tide mean that in my view no part of the sea - anywhere in the world - is clean enough for bathing. Eye infections, gastro intestinal infections and skin infections are now horribly commonplace amongst those who have risked their health by bathing in the sea.

A Small Embarrassment

When talking to my mates I always boast about the number of women I have had but the truth is that I'm a virgin. I've never had sex with a girl because I'm so embarrassed about my penis. It isn't very big and I'm worried that if a woman sees it she will laugh.

If every woman laughed each time she came face to face with an undersized penis the world would have probably been rocked off its axis by now. In certain parts of the world small penises are endemic. Very few men in those areas have anything remotely resembling a decent sized appendage. However, the good news is that the size of a man's penis is not an essential prerequisite for good or even satisfactory sex. Many women like the look of large penises (in much the same way that many men like large breasts) but men with small penises can (like women with small breasts) make spectacular lovers. It's all a question of knowing what to do with what you've got.

A Bigger Orgasm

Is it true that if you put a small plastic bag filled with ice on a man's scrotum just before he ejaculates he will produce more semen and have a bigger orgasm?

You've been talking to the vicar's wife again, haven't you? In future if you are at a party and you meet a girl clutching a handful of ice you'll know why she has a mysterious Mona Lisa smile.

Five Years Of Sheer Hell

My marriage was five years of sheer hell. My wife made my life miserable. She constantly nagged me to earn more money and frequently made derogatory remarks to friends and neighbours about my lack of skill in bed. She often hit me and once broke my nose. Once she kicked me in the balls so hard that I was physically sick. When I finally snapped and slapped her face she told everyone that I beat her. Why does everyone always assume that women are always the victims in situations where there is domestic violence? I have now left my wife. I knew that if I stayed one of us would end up dead or I would have a nervous break down.

More men than women are battered by their partners - both physi- cally and mentally. Wives are just as likely to be cruel and vicious as are husbands. But this view is not 'politically correct' so politicians and social workers (together known as decerebrate onanists) never acknowledge that husband battering is a problem. Consequently, millions of men suffer in silence; their mental, emotional and physical agonies unrecognised.

Two Hundred Close Friends

When someone I work with told me that she and her fiance were only inviting really close friends to their wedding I expected to find out that they were planning to share the day with a couple of dozen people at most. But when I arrived at the wedding I discovered that there were nearly two hundred people there. I now feel as though I am perhaps missing out on something. I have lots of acquaintances but would only really describe about half a dozen people as close friends. Do you think that anyone can really have that two hundred close friends?

There is a tendency to assume that anyone we have known a long time - and whom we may know well - is a friend. This is a nonsense. You may have known your postman, your milkman and the clerk at the bank you use for twenty years but that doesn't make them all 'friends'. We all have different levels of friends. But real friends are rare. I doubt if anyone can have more than half a dozen real friends. True friendship is a level of commitment - both ways. It means putting up with other's shortcomings and oddities. And being prepared to fight for one another. It means mutual trust and respect. It means sharing ideas with no thought of gain - only of giving. It means caring what happens to the other. True friendship means being angry if one of you is hurt or damaged. It means being unquestioning and being honest with one another but always being supportive and never criticising one another in public. A friend is someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. If a friend shouts 'help' then a real friend doesn't stop to think 'what will this cost'. He thinks only 'how can I help'. Friends may disagree about superficialities but mainly agree on the big things in life. Real friends are fun and add joy to life. You cannot choose your relatives but you can choose your friends. The tie between real friends can often be far stronger than that between relatives.

A Keen Sportsman

My boyfriend is a keen sportsman. Is it true that a man will perform better if he abstains from sex before an event? My boyfriend plays football twice a week all the year round. Since he won't have sex for two or three days before a match this very much limits our opportunities for sport in the bedroom.

Your boyfriend is depriving you both of horizontal exercise for no good reason. Having sex on the pitch during a game might well interfere with sporting success (though it would probably do wonders for the ticket sales at the gate and would undoubtedly distract attention from other on pitch activities) but sex beforehand is no excuse for failing to score. Since regular sex increases male testosterone levels it is possible to argue that if your boyfriend had sex more often he would be in better shape - and also be more mentally prepared for victory on the pitch. Sex is also a good way to relax and get to sleep before a big match. My team of 37 secretaries, led by the luscious Fiona (48EE 22 38) had a vote and, amidst much giggling, decided that you should invite your husband to pull down his shorts so that you can gently smack his bottom as a punishment for keeping you out of the action.

Not Even There

Is it true that campaigners in Japan want to remove evidence of war crimes from school text books, denying that any of the terrible things the Japanese did really happened?

Yes. Japanese spokesman Turnablindi Psstwannabuyakamera now says that Japan wasn't even there during the war but was busy washing its hair.

28 And Still Single

I am 28 and still single. My mother wants me to find a nice girl and settle down. I keep telling her that I'm enjoying life too much. We would both appreciate your comments.

Your mother has probably read that the Reverend Veri Loos Nickers, current Olympic Train Spotting Champion and European Clock Winding medallist at the Ticktock Games, said in a sermon last week that there is a moment in every man's life when he needs to find a good wife. Fortunately, in a private communication to my assistant Fiona Goodbody, the good vicar subsequently agreed that borrowing someone else's wife (good or bad) will usually suffice for an hour or two until the moment passes.

My Girlfriend Is A Prostitute

My girlfriend is a prostitute. She has straight and oral sex with hundreds of men but says she never has an orgasm with any of them. Is she telling the truth? Is it possible for a woman to have so much sex without ever having an orgasm?

It is perfectly possible for a woman to have sex with a million men without having an orgasm. Unreliable research conducted by a battalion of left handed shoe salesmen from Lancashire has shown that orgasmic activity inspired by old fashioned in-out-in-out sex is about as common as integrity in politics. Last year a government survey showed that a small group of women had sex 27,458,294 times between January 1st and December 31st but that they only had 329,485 orgasms during straight sex. Of those no less than 218,492 orgasms were enjoyed by a woman called Jane who was having too much of a good time at the time of the survey to give researchers her full name. Many women go through their entire lives without ever having an orgasm.

A Bit Big Down Below

I have had two children and my problem now is that I'm a bit big down below. My husband jokes that he can fit inside me without touching the sides and it certainly feels that way. Neither he nor I get much fun out of sex. Nowadays he just watches football on TV and I spend a lot of money a week on batteries.

You need to do some exercises to tighten up the muscle control around your vagina. After a few practice sessions you should be able to fire a ping pong thirty miles, grip a pencil tightly enough to write a letter or convince your husband he's in bed with a virgin. He'll be over the moon and you'll soon be shouting 'It's a gooooooooaaaaal!' (Or something similar).

Loneliness Is A Killer

Is it true that people who live alone are more likely to fall ill than people who live with someone? My boyfriend wants me to move in with him and one of his arguments is that people who live together are healthier.

For nearly twenty years I have argued that loneliness can be just as much a killer as obesity or smoking. People who are alone in the world are often more susceptible to stress and anxiety because they do not anyone with whom they can share their daily pressures. A review of studies done on 37,000 people showed that healthy people who live isolated, lonely lives are twice as likely to die in a ten year period as are healthy people who are not isolated. However, none of this is, alone, an argument for living with someone. It is possible to be isolated and lonely even if you share a house with someone. It is sharing love and affection which is healthy - not sharing a kettle, a bath and a bed. Live with your boyfriend because you love him and cannot live without him and not because you believe that you will be less lonely if you move in with him.

Indelicate And Unreliable Research

I have recently been offered a chance to play professional football. However, despite my love for the game I am considering turning down the offer due to the size of my penis, which is only about four inches long even when erect. I am worried that my small penis will show me up in the showers after the game. What do you think are the chances of one the other players having a small penis too? Do you think I will have to put up with a lot of embarrassing comments?

If your prospective team mates are mature and professional they will be far more interested in your prowess on the field than in your appearance in the showers. Unreliable research performed by an unnamed girls' choir has shown that men with small penises make much better footballers. The theory in support of this practical observation is that a large penis is added and unnecessary weight. (Incidentally, similar but quite irrelevant research by the same experts has shown that a large, constantly erect penis is an advantage to nude volleyball players). If you allow the size of your penis to influence your career decision then your penis will control the rest of your life. But if you swallow your prospective embarrassment and do what you want to do your penis will be put firmly in its place.

Incredibly Ugly

You are incredibly ugly. Judging by your photograph I think you must be the ugliest person I have ever seen.

Every day I receive letters telling me how ugly I am. Since I al- ready know I am ugly this is a waste of time and money. More worrying, however, has been the recent spate of letters suggesting that I have a 'make-over' and allow a photographer to take a picture designed to 'show me at my best' (whatever that is). My picture appears on my books simply because I think it is often easier to establish a rapport with a writer if you have some idea what he or she looks like. My aim, however, is to inform, entertain, amuse and (most of all) make you think. You and I do not need to be beautiful to have a valuable relationship. I have more interest in sharing you with my soul, my spirit and my passions than a fake and sanitised physical image. For those who are impressed by expensive hair cuts and smart suits I feel sure that there are probably plenty of other well dressed writers around.

Impatient And Snappy

My father has become increasingly irritable in the last few years. He is impatient and snappy. He is not senile and the doctors insist that he is not suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Do you know of any explanation for his behaviour? Does something happen to people as they age? I have noticed something similar happening to other elderly relatives.

People do not change as they age - they just become less tolerant, less inclined to put on a front and disguise their true feelings and, in a phrase, more like themselves. As far as the important issues are concerned your father is still the same person he has always been. But he is now perhaps rather more like himself than he has ever been before. Think of ageing as character enrichment and you won't be far wrong.

Not Married

For eight years my daughter has been living with a man to whom she is not married. When they came to stay with my husband and I at Christmas I made no secret of the fact that I disapproved of their living together and made them sleep in separate rooms. I was not prepared to allow my daughter and this man to sleep together in my home. My daughter is now refusing to stay with us here again. She and the man are planning to stay in a hotel when they visit us in the summer. She says that she is old enough to live her own life. She is 34 but I do not think age has anything to do with this.

What a silly and unreasonable old coot you are. I am surprised that your daughter and her partner are prepared to have anything at all to do with you. The only decent thing I can think to say about you is that you have at least produced a daughter who shows compassion and kindness above and beyond the call of duty. Your daughter is probably far too well mannered to tell you this but if you carry on as you are doing now you will deserve to spend the rest of your life sitting in a plastic chair in an old peoples' home surrounded by the malodorous stench of stale urine and overcooked cabbage.

We Pray For You

You are a dangerous person and a threat to our society and constitution. My wife and I pray for you every week.

I pray too. I pray that the unfeeling will discover feeling and that the cruel will find kindness in their hearts.

A Very Odd Hobby

My husband has a very odd hobby. We live in a flat overlooking a busy street and on hot, summer days he sits on our balcony and just watches the girls go by. He is obsessed by breasts.

Your husband's hobby is neither rare nor unhealthy. Indeed, he enjoys a hobby which, official statistics show, is practised by 101.45% of the general, heterosexual population - though only 12.3% are prepared to admit that they enjoy breast watching to their wives and friends. Summertime is, of course, the best season of the year for breast watching since the warm weather brings out bosoms which have for months been hidden underneath shapeless jumpers and thick coats. Breast watching is not the only hobby of this type. I once knew a fellow whose hobby was watching women in short, pelmet length skirts clambering in and out of sports cars. He was as devoted to his hobby as any train spotter. He kept details of knicker colours in the same way that train spotters write down train numbers and took photographic records to document his obsession. He is currently serving twenty minutes in an Open Prison on the Riviera.

Too Long And Curly

My girlfriend says my pubic hair is too long and too curly. She laughs whenever she sees me naked.

You can't do anything much about the curliness of your pubic hair. But if you both want it shorter there is a technique you can try which should work. The technique, known to medical experts as 'cutting', involves removing the unwanted hair with a pair of scissors. Alternatively, you could try a more extreme technique known as 'shaving'. If you allow your girlfriend to take an active part in either of these operations you might find that one thing leads to a bit of the other - but don't let her near you with scissors or razor unless she promises not to laugh or you could find yourself auditioning for a role as boy soprano in your local church choir.

An Outstanding Bosom

My girlfriend is very short but has an outstanding bosom. She is only just over five foot tall but wears a 44DD size bra. She is very proud of her breasts and likes to show them off during the warmer weather. She usually wears a low cut dress and an uplift bra which gives her an extraordinary cleavage but in the summer she sometimes removes her top when sunbathing in the local park. I find it quite exciting to sit beside her and watch other men walking slowly by ogling her. Sometimes the same chap will walk past eight or nine times. Is it against the law for my girlfriend to display herself in this way?

It sounds as if your girlfriend has what is commonly known as a 'community chest'. My first fear on her behalf was that she might be breaking planning regulations if she allows her breasts to remain in the same place for too long a period of time. However, Eva Ziovreliev, 15 year old gymnast, economist and now legal wunderchild tells me that if your girlfriend 'wobbles about a bit' she should be able to argue that her breasts are not permanent structures and therefore lie outside the local planning regulations. Incidentally, I wonder why it is that small women so often have such large breasts? Or is this merely a false impression which I have gained over the years? I have applied for a government grant to enable me to investigate whether or not there is any relationship between height and breast size. Since I want to make sure that I do the research properly I estimate that the project will be finished in about 40 years time.

Not A Real Woman

My boyfriend believes that any woman who wears trousers isn't a real woman. I agree with him. I myself find the sight of a woman in trousers disgusting. My problem now is that he has lately complained about my wearing opaque tights and flat shoes. He says the opaque tights are like leggings and that I should wear high heels since they are more feminine and show a woman's legs at their best. Should I wear high heels and abandon my opaque tights?

Why on earth are you asking me to decide what you should wear? And why are you allowing your boyfriend to tell you what you should wear? It is good when one half of a partnership shows an interest in what the other chooses to wear. And praise, support, encouragement and even (occasional and carefully presented) constructive criticism may all be welcome. But letting anyone (your mum, your boyfriend, me or even a politician) tell you what you can or cannot wear is the first step towards handing over power over your life to someone else. Make your mind up about what you want to wear and stick to your decision.

Blind Date

A girlfriend has arranged a blind date for me. Is there any way to find out in advance what sort of person he is?

The only way to find out for sure what you will think of your blind date is to meet him. And then it won't be a blind date, will it? If you are unsure about the wisdom of the whole thing why not arrange to meet him for lunch rather than a weekend in the country - that way you can wriggle away if the whole affair looks like being as much fun as a week with the politicians of the day. Meanwhile, take small comfort from the fact that there is every chance that your date will turn out to be as charismatic, charming, trustworthy, intelligent and worthy of respect as the next man. Although, having said that I must point out that next man could be a lawyer.

On Her Head In A Bucket Of Porridge

My mother always does everything the doctor tells her to do. If he told her to stand on her head in a bucket of porridge she would.

I long ago gave up being surprised at the way that apparently sen- sible people will do anything a doctor tells them to do. In 1932 a woman of 34 caught flu. When her doctor visited her he told her to rest, promising that he would return shortly. He told her to stay in bed until he returned. Unfortunately, he forgot to go back. The young woman stayed in bed under her mother's care. When her mother died her brother in law took over. She stayed in bed for 40 years and in 1972 it took seven months of encouragement and exercise to get the by now obese woman onto her feet again. She lived a fairly active life until her death in 1975. This story is entirely true. (As is the story of the doctor who persuaded a series of female patients to allow him to put his penis into their bottoms on the grounds that it was a new cure for piles).

A Dream

It is my ambition to become an actress in pornographic movies. Getting paid for making love to well hung men sounds like a dream to me. Do I need any special skills or qualifications?

Matt E. Mulchen, deceased, part time careers adviser and one of Europe's leading one-legged dead campanologists, tells me that actors and actresses looking for work in pornographic movies must either have the appropriate 'O' and 'A' level certificates or have completed a satisfactory work experience programme. Mr Mulchen, himself a former star of pornographic movies, reports that working underneath a politician is usually regarded as suitable experience.

A Woman Should Speak Only When Spoken To

My boyfriend says that a woman should speak only when spoken to. He insists that I do all the cleaning and the chores in our flat. He is always moaning about the fact that my breasts are too small and wants me to have plastic surgery to make them bigger.

Your boyfriend sounds as if he would be happiest if he could find a genial and undemanding deaf mute with big tits and an obsessive-compulsive disorder. I suggest that you abandon him so that he can have more time to continue his search for his perfect partner.

Happily Married But Worried

I am a happily married man and I love my wife. We have a good sex life. I am worried because I have recently had fantasies in which she has sex with other people (sometimes a man and sometimes a woman). I enjoy imagining that my wife is behaving like a complete slut while I watch. I am scared of sharing this fantasy with her in case she thinks I don't love her. I am very happy with our marriage and do not want to turn our fantasy into reality.

Please stop worrying about your fantasy - it's neither unusual nor a sign of any underlying psychopathology. Your fantasy doesn't mean that you are about to become a pimp with your wife as your sole client. A stroll through fantasy land can be a strange, arousing (and yet sometimes disturbing) adventure. Many women fantasise about being raped. But that doesn't mean they want to be raped. And most of the men who fantasise about watching their wives have sex with a stranger would be shocked and horrified if such a thing actually took place.

Is It Legal?

Is it legal for my wife and I to take photographs of each other naked or while having sex? Do you think our local photographic shop would develop the film for us?

In the days when nations just had laws and courts it was possible to say what was and was not illegal. But modern politicians seem to have appointed themselves judicial dictators. Even if a court finds you innocent there is no guarantee that the government won't throw you both in gaol just to keep the numbers up. Rumour has it that most members of all governments regard any enjoyable experience shared by two or more individuals as a serious offence. I suggest that if you want to take nude photographs of one another you buy yourself one of those instant picture cameras and draw the curtains.

Very Concerned

Although I am only 30 I am very concerned that if I do not have children soon my life will not be remembered in any way and I will not leave anything behind me. What do you think is the latest age at which a man should father a child?

I don't think you should father a child just so that you can be re- membered. We live on in our achievements, not our children or our acquisitions.

It Started Last Summer

I have always preferred oral sex to ordinary sex but my husband now refuses to perform oral sex on me unless I have been with another man. This all started last summer when we were on holiday in Cornwall - my home county. My husband went out several times to play golf, leaving me to sunbathe in the hotel gardens. One day a young off duty waiter whom I recognised came and started chatting me up. He made me laugh and he had a very trim, young body and we ended up going up to our room and making love. After he had come inside me twice the waiter left but I fell asleep naked on top of the bed. When my husband came back he chose to wake me up with his tongue and he quickly, and not surprisingly, guessed what had happened. To my surprise and relief he was excited rather than angry. And on each subsequent day of our holiday we repeated the pattern: my husband played golf, I let the waiter make love to me and my husband returned to the hotel and enjoyed my special two flavour blend of Cornish cream. Since we arrived home our sex life has been revitalised. Before our holiday we made love no more than once a month. Now I have several regular lovers and my husband's only stipulation is that they should all have vaginal sex with me without using condoms - and that after they have left I should stay on my back in bed until he can get home. Have you heard of any other husbands with this particular fetish?

Your husband is not at all unusual. An unreliable survey of traf- fic wardens and uncivil servants, conducted by two gay window dressers and a plump conveyancing clerk with a limp, showed that 69% of individuals in these two trades obtain sexual pleasure in this way. A senior government spokesman said they were determined to get down to it and lick the problem. I am sure you are aware that your shared hobby exposes you both to possible pregnancy and a wide range of sexually transmitted diseases. A psychiatrist would probably charge you a lot of money to tell you that your husband, and 69% of serving traffic wardens and uncivil servants, have hidden homosexual yearnings and powerful masochistic tendencies. But, statistically speaking, the chances are that the psychiatrist would be completely batty so who the hell cares what he would say?

A Miserable Mess

My life is a miserable mess. I hate my job. My wife does not love me and I do not love her.

Nobody does what they don't want to do. Ask yourself why you do the job you hate and why you stay with the wife you do not love. When you know why you are wasting your life in this way you may be able to do something to improve your situation.

What's In A Name?

I am embarrassed by my name. How do I go about changing it?

What's in a name? Here are some genuine names from the Brit- ish aristocracy: Hon Sir Adolphus Frederick Octavius Liddell; Thomas Mainwaring Bulkeley-Bulkeley Owen; Conrad Le Despenser Roden Noel; Admiral of the Fleet Sir Reginald Aylmer Ranfurley Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax. Imagine spelling that lot out over the telephone. It isn't your name which will decide what you do with your life. But what you do with your life may well decide how people react to your name.

Please Suck My Nipples

I am a 17 year old hockey player. I would like you to play with my breasts and suck my nipples.

I very much appreciate your kind invitation but I am afraid that I am on a diet at the moment.

Depressed About Getting Old

I recently turned 40. I feel rather depressed about getting old.

We live in a society which is obsessed by youth. I was 50 last year and I recently got a letter inviting me to buy a lease on a supervised apartment in a retirement home. What nonsense. Here are a few tips to help you continue to feel young. Buy a comic and read it instead of your usual morning paper. Fly a kite. Purchase a small toy plane. Skip for fifty yards down your local high street. Buy a packet of balloons, and blow them up and let the air escape noisily next time you have to attend a dull meeting. Remember the first three people you kissed/made love to. Buy yourself or your partner absurdly flimsy lingerie. (If you are a transvestite you can buy both yourself and your partner absurdly flimsy lingerie). You don't need to start worrying about getting old until you have had your 100th birthday.

Wrong To Be Frivolous

You have suggested that people who are feeling old because they have reached their 40th birthday should fly a kite or buy a toy aeroplane. You are wrong to encourage people to be frivolous. Adults should behave sensibly and with decorum.

Most people behave the age they think they look - or, even more likely, the way they think that someone their age should behave. They are too worried about what other people might think to enjoy their lives and have fun. I'm not sure what a raspberry looks like in print. But please regard yourself as having just been raspberried.

Very Superstitious

I am very superstitious. Do you think I'm silly?

Not at all. I never walk under black cats when there is a Tuesday in the month and if a stepladder is crossing the road I always stand on one leg until it has safely reached the other side. In a strange way it is rather comforting to know that even large organisations are sometimes influenced by superstition. For example, one building I know of doesn't have a 13th floor. When the builders had finished the 12th floor they all went away for a week and then, when they came back, they built the 14th floor. (A woman I met in the lift told me it took seven months to persuade the authorities that the building was safe and wasn't about to fall down just because it had an entire floor missing).

Willing Sex Slave

I have become my boss's willing sex slave. Two months ago I made a mistake while typing an important contract and as a result my boss lost a lot of money. Instead of firing me he told me to take down my tights and knickers and lie across his lap so that he could smack my bottom. I allowed him to do this because I desperately wanted to keep my job and I realised that I deserved to be punished. He did not smack me very hard and afterwards I found myself fantasising about the experience. When I deliberately made another mistake two days later I told him that he could smack my bottom again if he wanted. This time I had worn a very tight dress so that I had to strip completely for the smacking. I also wore stockings and a suspender belt instead of tights. After he had smacked my bottom I could see that he was very aroused. I played with him and then we made love on his desk. After this had happened five times my boss guessed that I was making mistakes on purpose. He told me that he was worried that all my mistakes might put him out of business so we agreed that he would punish me every evening whether I had made any mistakes or not. I am now his complete sex slave. We have a normal working relationship during office hours but every evening at five o'clock I let him have his way with me. Every day I am constantly moist with excitement and anticipation. He smacks my bottom half a dozen times with his bare hand and then I let him do what he wants. Do you think I am kinky?

An academic study conducted by three ditch diggers and a crane driver recently showed that every evening, in offices everywhere, typists, secretaries and personal assistants bare their bottoms and bend over to atone for the day's misdeeds. Walk along the corridors of any large office building and you will hear the gentle slap of palm on buttock coming from behind 28% of all closed doors. In council office buildings you will hear this sound behind 77% of closed doors, though in 36% of cases it is the secretary who is doing the smacking and the boss who is bent over with his trousers down around his ankles. It is acknowledged by the European Union that deliberate mistakes made by secretaries and bosses wanting to get their bottoms smacked are responsible for a vast amount of lost business every year.

Domestic Temptation

My husband, an electrician, works for himself. He does mostly domestic rewiring. He is very good looking and I worry that he will one day be seduced by a bored housewife looking for a little excitement. I have absolutely no reason to distrust him. As far as I know he has always been faithful. But it is the women I distrust. At the aerobics class I attend the women are always talking about how much they fantasise about workmen, decorators, delivery men and so on. Men would be surprised if they knew just how obsessed with sex the majority of women are.

Your anxieties are not at all abnormal. But try to abandon your worries about your husband slipping his plug into the wrong sockets and replace them with a more positive approach. Make sure that you remain as attractive as you can, that your home is always welcoming and that your life together is joyful and you will minimise the chances of your husband succumbing to the wiles of a housewife seductress.

Younger And Younger

Is there a minimum age for hospital doctors. They seem to get younger and younger.

No one younger than six is allowed to work as a hospital doctor. And there are other safeguards too. Junior hospital doctors must be able to read joined up writing and tie their own shoelaces. They must also carry with them at all times a note from their mothers confirming that they are potty trained and do not wet the bed.

Disgraceful Advice

I think it is disgraceful that you give advice to people about oral sex. The human body is a temple at which we should all worship. It was not designed to be abused in such a dirty and perverted way.

Oral sex is practised by more than half the population. It is there- fore entirely normal. Since you are not in the 'normal' half of the population you are clearly a nasty little pervert. Maybe you would like to strip naked, scrub yourself clean with lots of soap and then give yourself a strict thrashing with bunches of nettles? You would? Well, I forbid you.

Am I A Virgin?

I masturbated my previous boyfriend, let him come between my breasts and performed oral sex on him. Twice I let him put the tip of his penis inside me but on neither occasion did I allow him to go any further or to climax inside me. Am I still a virgin?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines a virgin as: 'an unmarried or chaste maiden or woman, distinguished for piety or steadfastness in religion' or 'a woman who is or remains in a state of inviolate chastity; an absolutely pure maiden or maid' or 'a youth or man who has remained in a state of chastity'. Chaste is defined as 'pure', 'innocent' or 'virtuous'. From this you will see that virginity is a mental state rather than a physical condition. You can, if you wish, describe yourself as a 'virgin' but if you do you must not complain if politicians describe themselves as human beings.

We Go Out Picking Up Men

My flatmate and I just can't stop picking up men. We go out most nights and always return with at least one bloke each (sometimes more). We love sex but can't understand why every morning the men just leave after promising the world the night before. What are we doing wrong? We are running out of men.

Maybe, just maybe, the men you are picking up are getting the wrong idea. Maybe they think that sex is the ONLY thing you're after. Perhaps you would stand a better chance of finding men with whom you could develop long standing relationships (involving mental and spiritual harmony as well as lots of good, sweaty sex) if you made it clear from the start that you require more from a man than a few inches of throbbing real life dildo substitute equipped with an eleven stone battery. Your habit of satisfying your needs with frequent snacks will probably prove increasingly unsatisfying as the years go by. Satisfy your needs with a long standing relationship and you are likely to have fewer hunger pangs. Your present and past tastes are probably well known in the venues you currently favour so I suggest you start searching for deeper satisfaction a little further afield.

The Show Must Go On

My girlfriend and I live in a very small basement flat. We had always assumed that our bedroom was invisible from the pavement but two days ago we discovered that passers by can look straight in and see exactly what we are doing. A man in a local pub told me that he and several mates always walk past our flat on the way home so that they can watch us getting ready for bed and making love. My own first reaction was anger but my girlfriend admitted that she found the knowledge that she has been watched rather a turn on and she has suggested that we continue to leave our curtains open so that the show can go on. Would this be legal?

Your generosity towards these sad voyeurs, whose own lives are so empty that they need to get their kicks second hand, by peering through your windows, is commendable. Personally, I feel that you both deserve awards in the next Honours List. An M.B.E. each would be richly deserved. However, I must warn you that your proposal is almost certainly against the law. Under new Tory legislation any activity which gives pleasure but does not involve cruelty is punishable by a heavy fine, transportation to the Antipodes or both. Incidentally, a rather similar thing happened to me many years ago. I was a medical student and going out (or rather, staying in) with a nurse. Because she was working nights we used to meet in her room in the nurses' home at ten o'clock every morning and make love. We made love without bothering to get into the bed and because her room was on the sixth floor we never wasted time closing the curtains. One morning I was late getting away from the main hospital building and as I hurried along the corridor on the ninth floor I found the way blocked by a group of doctors, nurses and orderlies crowding around a window. As I tried to squeeze past to get to the lift I asked a friend what was going on. He told me that they all gathered there every morning at ten to watch a couple having sex on the sixth floor in the nurses' home. I pushed my way to the front and found I could look right down into my girlfriend's bedroom. She was lying on her back on top of her bed - quite naked. 'We're going to try and find out who her boyfriend is today,' a medical registrar told me, brandishing a pair of binoculars. 'Up until now all we've ever seen of him is his bum.' My girlfriend was startled when, a few minutes later, I rushed into her room and, instead of simply tearing my clothes off and leaping on top of her, I lunged straight at the windows and drew the curtains.

Neat, Boring And Pompous

I think it is disgusting the way you are so rude to important people. Some of your remarks are quite uncalled for and quite inappropriate for a man in your position. You must be a continual embarrassment to your family. On one occasion recently you were unacceptably rude about local government officers. I am a local government officer and I have considerable authority and some very influential friends.

Thank you so much for your neat, boring and pompous letter. Do you believe in reincarnation? You were clearly a male organ (albeit a small one) in a previous existence and it is a pity that you failed to progress and have remained in the same state for this visit to our pleasant planet. Please don't forget to show this reply to your influential friends. They will, I hope, be able to explain to you what I am implying but am far too polite to say. Readers will have to wait until next week to find out whether you really are as influential as you think you are. Incidentally, I was surprised to see that you used official notepaper (and the official franking machine) when writing to me. I have sent a note to your employer suggesting that you be firmly reprimanded for wasting public money in this way. I have suggested that a fine would be more appropriate than any physical punishment since a telephone call to your office has confirmed my suspicion that you might enjoy having your buttocks caned.

Stopped In The Street

A friend and I were stopped in the street last Saturday night. We were just walking home from the pub. We were pushed up against a wall and searched as though we were criminals. What is going on?

We have an oppressive and tyrannical government. We now have laws which mean that anyone arrested can be assumed to be guilty until proven innocent. Individual citizens no longer have rights. And every week it seems that the government plans to introduce yet more legislation to give itself and the police more powers. The world is ripe for a revolution - and desperately needs a revolution. But the revolution will only come when people realise that there are more things to be concerned about in this life than the price of pots of tea on motorways. Sadly, at the moment, most people in this country do not give a hoot about anything other than the amount of cash in their wallets and what is on the television.

Surprised

I am surprised that you have not yet received recognition in the Honours List.

The queen and prime minister have repeatedly begged me to ac- cept a knighthood. But I have rejected their pitiful entreaties and will continue to do so. The honours system has become totally devalued. If people were given honours for service given to society - and for making the world a better place - then the system would perhaps merit some respect. But most of the recipients in the honours list get their silly awards simply for doing their jobs. Work in Whitehall for a decade or two and you will be guaranteed a medal of some sort - as you will if you spend your life making yourself a fortune by selling expensive crap to people who don't want it, don't need it and can't afford it. Bonus honours are awarded to industrialists who make expensive crap which kills people. I have asked my assistants to tell those who hand out these things to stop bothering me with requests to accept one of their badly tarnished baubles.

Lacking In Self Confidence

Since my husband and I split up a few years ago I have been out very little. I have had no relationships - not even a single date. I do miss the company of a man but I am well aware that any relationship is quickly likely to move on towards sex and this fills me with dread. I am very lacking in self confidence. My weight is correct for my height but I have horribly fat legs and hips. Although I am still in my 30s my boobs have shrunk away leaving nothing but a couple of sacks of skin. I know I could attract a man when dressed and made up but when the parcel was unwrapped it would be a bitter disappointment. I cannot be that deceitful.

There are, reading this, countless thousands of divorced and sepa- rated men who are desperate for female companionship and love. They are lonely and they are just as frightened and uncertain as you are. They worry about their bald spots, their paunches and their varicose veins. They worry about the fact that their equipment seems undersized (a recent unreliable survey showed that, as a parting shot, 85% of women who are separating or getting divorced tell their erstwhile partners that they were useless at sex and that their penises were too small) and they worry about whether they'll be able to get it up and keep it up when the occasion demands. Not every man you meet will immediately want to unwrap your parcel. But I bet you a month's supply of condoms that any man who does finally, and with trembling fingers, remove the wrapping will be just as thrilled as any kid on Christmas morning.

Totally Overbearing

My husband's mother is totally overbearing. It seems as though she has to control his every move. I no longer visit her (I cannot stand her snide remarks) but he visits her every week and invariably comes home in tears. She always manages to make him feel guilty, inadequate and ashamed.

Most unkindness - and most downright cruelty - comes not from strangers but from within the family. And within most families it is the relationship between parents and children which is the one most likely to cause emotional and mental distress. The fact is that parenthood is not enough for any thinking, creative individual and the man or woman who has nothing but parenthood to sustain them is bound to feel frustrated, disappointed and disenchanted with life. Mothers who claim to have sacrificed their lives for their children usually make the greatest demands when it comes to emotional repayments. Their grotesque selfishness creates guilt and shame and is responsible for much mental illness. Your husband is extremely unlikely to be able to make his mother change. He has two choices. He can either continue to put up with her cruel and manipulative behaviour or he can pluck up the courage to tell her to bugger off out of his life. I recommend the second option. After a while freedom from his mother's tyranny may give your husband new strength. And, at the same time, his mother may be so shocked by his rebellion that she may make an effort to start treating him like a human being. This is, however, only a possibility and not a certainty.

My Best Friend

My best friend has one of those Easy Rider motor bikes with the long handlebars. He wants to take my wife away with him for the weekend to a meeting of motor cycle enthusiasts. She is very keen on bikes and is anxious to go. Do you think I should say 'yes'?

I'm sure your wife will look good sitting on your friend's chopper. But in the end it all comes down to trust, doesn't it? Do you trust your wife? And do you trust your best mate? If you say 'no' to the proposed weekend away you will be making it clear that you don't trust them. And that won't do your marriage or your friendship much good. If you say 'yes' and they betray your trust you can take some consolation from the fact that even if you had said 'no' they would, if they had been so inclined, have undoubtedly found plenty of other opportunities for hanky panky.

Met At A Party

Three months ago I tried to have sex with a girl I met at a party. Normally I am very shy but we had both had a few drinks and I felt much more confident than usual. Sadly, however, I could not get my equipment to perform and I had to limp off home with my tail between my legs.

Most male readers will sympathise with you. The man who has never experienced the embarrassment of an organ which refuses to stand up when required to do so has probably not done much living.

How Do We Do It?

My boyfriend wants me to measure his willy. But we can't agree on whether it is supposed to be measured when it is standing up straight or when it is pointing downwards. I say it should be measured when it is pointing down but every time I catch hold of it to measure it the darned thing stands up straight. We would appreciate your advice.

Measure the darned thing when it is standing to attention. Use a ruler or a tape measure. Anything between 15 and 20 inches in length and 7 or 8 inches in circumference is pretty average. (Only kidding).

Part Of Me Has Died

A close friend died a few months ago. I still have not come to terms with the death. I feel as though part of me has died.

We all have many different personalities. You behave differ- ently when you are with your boss to the way you behave when you are with a good friend. Your personality is different when you are with your mother to the way it is when you are with your lover. It is inevitably true, therefore, that when someone close to you dies a part of you will die too - the part of you that responded to that particular individual. You should not be frightened or ashamed to mourn your lost friend. Do not try to forget but enjoy the memory of your friendship.

Several Serious Enemies

I have made several serious enemies at the office where I work. I find it difficult to cope with office politics and tend to do my own thing as often as possible. Inevitably, this means that I sometimes tread on peoples' toes. I don't mean to cause offence but it is sometimes inevitable. I would appreciate your advice.

A man who has no enemies has not lived his life to the full. You should live honestly and with honour - so that at the end of every day you can go to sleep content that you have done the right thing. If you always do the right thing then you will never do the wrong thing and you will have no reason to hold yourself in low esteem. Most of the sorry individuals who are constantly worrying about what other people think have no real idea about what is 'right' or 'wrong'.

Nothing But Discouragement

Why is it that so many people want to say 'no' and so few ever seem to say 'yes'? I work for a large company and every time I put forward an idea for improving the way we do things I meet nothing but discouragement.

One of the problems with our world is that too many people are paid to suppress innovation, to avoid taking positive decisions and to stop other people taking positive decisions. It is often safer to say 'no' if you are an employee or a bureaucrat. In large organisations hardly any one ever gets into trouble for not authorising something and so more and more things are, if not actually being forbidden, suppressed through not being authorised.

Driving Me Mad

My wife is driving me mad. She always wants to talk and do things together and doesn't seem to realise that as a bloke I want to spend my evenings and weekends with my mates. She gets plenty of sex because I do it to her three or four times a week whenever I feel the urge. She is getting me down because she cries a lot and if there is one thing I can't stand it is a woman who is always blubbing. I suppose it's her hormones or something and I've told her to get something done about it. Why are women so selfish and demanding?

You sound like the sort of knob rule enthusiast who would be happier with a woman who could be inflated at appropriate moments, and then popped back into a box under the bed when not in use. There is, I suppose, a small chance that in due course you may come to realise that having a meaningful relationship does not begin and end with the unzipping and zipping up again of a well used tool bag. On the other hand there has to be a very good chance that you will remain a complete dickhead for the rest of your life. I rather suspect that you would be doing your wife a good turn if you went to the pub one day and didn't bother to go back home again.

Wrecked My Life

I am glad you have been having a go at insurance companies. My insurance company wrecked my life. I was a mobile hairdresser and relied heavily on my car to visit my customers. I was involved in an accident which resulted in my car being written off. The two insurance companies decided that both I and the other motorist should share the blame - and claim off each other's policies. But two years after the accident I am still waiting for a cheque although the insurance company does not deny that it owes me the money. I could not afford to buy another car without the insurance money and so my business has folded. Without any income I couldn't afford to pay the rent on my flat and so I have had to move back to my parents' home. This caused friction between me and my boyfriend and we have just split up. I paid insurance to protect myself but the insurance companies have, as I say, wrecked my life.

Your sad story is, in my view, typical of the way people are treated by insurance companies. In general, the sort of people who work for insurance companies are, I am quite convinced, the same sort of heartless, unfeeling, insensitive bastards who worked in concentration camps during the Second World War and then claimed afterwards that they were 'only doing their jobs'. I heartily recommend that all readers regard insurance companies as commercial con artists. Just remember: most of those 'nice' men and women in cheap suits, with the big smiles and the plastic briefcases, are only interested in you for your money.

What Do Lesbians Do?

What do lesbians do with one another? They have nothing to put into anything.

Careful research by two white coated scientists equipped with telescopes, a box of paper tissues and a hefty grant from the Medical Research Authority has shown that 82.6% of active lesbians obtain considerable quasi orgasmic pleasure from playing snakes and ladders, singing folk songs and growing prize winning courgettes.

Answers In A Face

Is it true that you can tell something about the sort of life a person has had simply by looking at their face?

If you look at the face of someone who is 50 years of age or older you should be able to tell whether they have been predominantly happy or miserable. Someone who has had a largely happy life will have lots of laugh lines around their eyes. Someone who has been miserable will have a droopy mouth that looks as if it has spent thirty years sucking lemons.

The Boy Across The Street

Every evening at eleven o'clock I undress, have a shower and get ready for bed. I've never bothered to draw the curtains. Two months ago I looked out of my window and noticed that a boy who lives across the street was watching me. Since then I've seen him watching me every evening. I still don't draw the curtains and I confess I make my strip tease last as long as possible, frequently posing in front of the window in my undies or sometimes just my knickers. I find it quite exciting knowing that he is watching my every move. Ten days ago he stood up and I could see that he was masturbating so I started playing with myself too. We now do the same thing every evening. We are both sixteen and go to the same school but when we see one another in the street we just say 'hello'. I think he is a rather shy person. I know I am very shy. Is what we are doing illegal or dangerous?

Unless you both open your windows and he manages to fire his semen through his window, across the street, through your window and into a position from which the sperm could swim into your vagina (you would probably have to be standing on your head at the time for this to happen) you need not worry too much about either pregnancy or infection. You are practising safe sex. The main danger to you is that your across the street partner (or some other observer) may be so excited by your nightly show that he is driven to accost you in the street. However, since your across the street partner (presumably) obtains sexual satisfaction from your relationship this risk is hopefully low.

As far as the law is concerned, I suspect that the boy across the street may risk double jeopardy. He could be arrested as a peeping tom (for watching you) and for exposing himself to you. With this in mind maybe you would like to think about the possibility of one day allowing your relationship to develop into something a little more private. You do not have to take your relationship to the immediate and obvious physical conclusion: since you are both shy you may find that holding hands and sharing kisses is, in its own way, even more exciting than what you are doing at the moment.

Dressing Up

I love dressing up in womens' clothes. Through a magazine I met another man with a similar interest. He told me that his wife allows him to wear her clothes two evenings a week. She goes out for a meal while he stays behind in a frock and does the hoovering and ironing. Have you heard of this happening before?

The scenario you describe is, indeed, extremely common. Pop into just about any pub or restaurant any evening of the week and the chances are that you will see several all female groups of drinkers or diners. At least 90% of the husbands of those women will be back at home, dressed in bras, panties, stockings and frocks, doing the chores. The men have fun dressing up, doing things which used to be considered womanly and the women have fun going out boozing and generally doing things which used to be considered manly. Everyone benefits - especially clothes shops which sell large size lingerie.

Always Been Faithful

I have been married for several years and have always been faithful even though my husband will drop his trousers for anything in a skirt. I married quite young and have never had any other lovers. Last Saturday, while my husband was out at the pub, a mate of his called round to return a wrench he'd borrowed. I offered him a drink and one thing led to a bit of the other. We ended up on the sofa. I didn't see his todger until he started to push it into me. When I looked down I couldn't believe my eyes. It was several inches longer than my husband's and much thicker. I hadn't realised they came in such different sizes. For the first time in my life I had an orgasm. It was amazing. Afterwards I was absolutely soaking in a way that I have never been when making love to my husband. Do you think that the size of this man's todger could damage my insides if we do it again?

Todgers come in three approved sizes. 'Pitiful', 'adequate' and 'I can't wait to tell the girls about this one'. Your new lover clearly falls into the third category. Lucy Bigge-Nochres, a former bicycle impersonator, who has worked as a research assistant for 79 politicians and whose experience in this area is second to none tells me that todger size should not be a problem as long as you are careful. She says that lubrication is a key issue and that approaching from the right angle can also be important. 'Take it gently, stop if its painful and take control are the basic rules,' she says. Lucy, who believes that a girl should usually take it lying down tells me that when dealing with a unusually large member of the House she likes to get him on his back and then lower herself gently into position inch by inch (or, on some memorable occasions, foot by foot).

Going Out With Two Men

I am going out with two men. One of them is exciting and passionate but, quite frankly, unreliable. The other is reliable and sensible but not terribly exciting. Both of them want me to marry them. I'm not sure which to choose. My mum says I should marry the reliable man. What do you think?

You have to ask yourself some difficult questions. How many moments of passion equal a lifetime of contentment? Try to think yourself forwards five, ten or twenty years. Can you see yourself regretting marrying either of these men? And can you see yourself regretting not marrying either of them? If you marry the reliable one would you wonder what life would have been like if you'd married the unreliable one? And if you marry the unreliable one would you wonder what life would have been like if you'd married the reliable one? Do you love either of them? Finally, what are the odds of you finding a third man who is both passionate and reliable? By the time you've sorted out all the questions you need to answer you and they will probably be too old to care about the answers.

Expensive And Unsatisfactory

What do you think about the fact that the world seems to be following the American habit of using the law to settle all differences - usually expensively and unsatisfactorily for all concerned.

Anyone who goes to court expecting justice is making a big mis- take. Courts now provide a gambling opportunity which puts the lottery in the shade. A woman who had what I can perhaps most accurately but tactfully describe as having an enhanced dress size preference factor recently sued a cinema, claiming that the seats provided by the management were too small to accommodate that part of her person upon which she customarily rested whilst in a sitting position. She won.

Tips For Non Sleepers

I have difficulty getting to sleep at night.

Here are three quick tips. First, find someone to have sex with. Research done by a 22 year old blonde research worker with big tits shows that most men fall asleep immediately after sex and most women fall asleep a little later (after they've added digital handiwork to the rugged, manly splendour of penile penetration). Second, find a good (but not too exciting) book and read it in bed. Third, video three hours of daytime television and play the tape on a TV set in your bedroom. In my view, daytime television is dull enough to send anyone to sleep.

Pressure On Politicians

You should put pressure on politicians to provide more help for people who have young children. I cannot get a job because I have to stay at home to look after my three year old boy and two year old girl. I find this very annoying. It is boring for me to have to stay at home and look after small children. In some areas there are free nursery schools for children who are three and over so why shouldn't these facilities be available to everyone?

Whatever happened to personal responsibility? You have two small children who need you. And you have a personal responsibility to provide them with the love and care they need. Why should society now enable you to escape from a responsibility which you have belatedly decided you no longer want? Society didn't share in the fun when you were busy getting pregnant so why should society now pick up the bills because you are bored? If society provides free nursery schools for all young children there will, inevitably, be less money for health care, education and other essentials. It sometimes seems to me that no one wants to take responsibility for their own actions. Worse still, it seems that society no longer expects people to take responsibility for their own actions.

What is happening in courts in countries around the world seems to me to be ample proof of the fact that personal responsibility is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. For example, a woman successfully sued a fast food restaurant chain when she spilt hot coffee on her lap and a man sued when the train under which he had jumped in a suicide attempt failed to stop. When a burglar fell through the sky light of a house he was planning to rob he sued the owner of the house. A woman whose drunken husband accidentally killed himself with a gun successfully sued the gun manufacturer and a woman who crashed a golf cart while she was drunk sued a golf club, saying it was to blame for selling her the alcohol she had drunk. The list is endless. Where does personal responsibility end and corporate and public responsibility start? You have two children which you presumably chose to bring into the world. It is now your responsibility to look after them. So stop whingeing and get on with it.

My Wife And A Sailor

While my wife and I were on holiday we went to a disco one evening. While there a sailor asked my wife to dance. There was a shortage of available women and so I said I didn't mind. My wife then spent much of the next four hours dancing with the sailor and his two companions. When we left the disco we went back to our hotel to carry on drinking. At the hotel my wife went up to our room and took all three sailors to bed. She has never done anything like it before (or since) and strange though it may sound she asked (and was given) my permission. I stayed in the bar drinking. All that was several months ago. My problem is that my wife won't stop talking about it. I'm not jealous (she'll never see them again - it will simply be a fantasy fulfilled) but I do not want to hear all the details every night.

Your wife is being thoughtless and deliberately testing you. Maybe, because you allowed her this freedom, she feels uncertain about your love for her. Tell her that you love her, and that you allowed her this night of sexual freedom because you love her. But point out that you don't want to talk about it or hear her talk about it again. Tell her she can store the memory as a private fantasy fulfilled. And keep telling her how much you love her.

I Love Fresh Lamb

I don't know why you make so much fuss about people eating animals. I love a bit of fresh lamb.

The word 'fresh' attached to 'lamb' means that just a few days before you started to eat its corpse the lamb was running around in a field, playing with other lambs. The lamb's mother will not understand why her baby has disappeared and will probably still be searching desperately for it. Ewes love their lambs just as much as mothers love their babies. If this does not put you off eating 'fresh lamb' then you have deep-rooted psychopathic tendencies and I am glad that you are there and I am here.

Getting Married Shortly

My girlfriend and I are getting married in six weeks time. We want to keep something for our wedding night and so we have decided not to have ordinary sex before then. However, we won't be able to keep our hands off one another for that long. Do you have any suggestions for ways in which we can both have orgasms without losing our virginities?

Eva Legova (22-18-22), 16 year old former TV presenter, model, economic adviser, clothes designer and tireless charity worker, whose lifetime ambition is to work with children but who now earns her living opening carpet showrooms, kitchen cupboards and jam and marmalade pots recently married well built German swimming star Herr Mitt Crabbe (64-48-60). She reports that she and her husband still like to do it through mental thought transference. No physical contact at all takes place. Personally, I don't think you can beat skin-on-skin contact.

Do They All Want To Be Women?

Why do men want to dress up in feminine clothing? I know that one in ten men crossdress regularly or occasionally. Do they really all want to be women?

Most men who dress up in frocks no more want to become women than most women who wear trousers want to become men. Male crossdressers choose to wear feminine clothes because softer clothes bring out their own latent softer side; their hidden femininity. Women who crossdress (approximately 99.99% of the population) wear power suits, jeans and so on to liberate themselves from the physical, intellectual and spiritual restraints of wearing flouncy frocks and thigh split skirts all the time.

Wonderful Nurses I recently spent two weeks in hospital. The nurses were wonderful. They worked hard but were desperately understaffed. On the other hand the hospital seemed to be awash with administrators.

Recent unreliable research conducted by a team of professional bra designers and amateur nuclear reactor engineers and led by former TV chef and water skiing champion Chris Massiskommen (22-48-22) showed that the average hospital has more administrators than cockroaches. After four years work and a massive expenditure the team concluded that cockroaches are useful (they eat up bits of waste food) but could not work out what the hell all the administrators do.

Tied To His Mother's Apron Strings

My husband is still tied to his mother's apron strings. He won't do anything unless she tells him that he can. She still treats him like a little boy and he won't make a break. I keep trying to persuade him to stand up for himself but it's no use. I think he wants to free himself but he just doesn't seem able to. I love him but his mother's constant interference is ruining our marriage.

Your problem is a common one. I sometimes think that a strong case could be made out for introducing a law denying mothers access to their sons after the age of twenty. There is absolutely no doubt that mothers do a great deal of damage to sons and daughters-in-law, and are responsible for the destruction of many relationships. A recent University of Oregon study showed that marital satisfaction depends largely upon the husband's independence from his parents. And for 'parents', of course, you can usually read 'mothers'. You need to point out to your husband how his mother is influencing and dominating his life; how she (probably unwittingly and even unknowingly) uses guilt to control his every move (guilt is the weapon of choice for domineering mothers) and how she is damaging his relationship with you. Only when your husband realises that his mother's influence is malignant and unfair will he be free.

Sex Out Of Doors

I was interested to read your recent suggestions about where readers might have sex out of doors. Last summer my husband nagged me to go fishing with him. I wasn't at all interested - it sounded really boring - but eventually I gave in and agreed to go. He hired a small boat on a local reservoir and we took sandwiches and a cool box. It was a beautiful warm day and while he fished I decided to do a little sunbathing. Because there was no one around I stripped off and sunbathed in the nude. I don't know why but I got terribly randy and started playing with myself. My husband saw me but I didn't care. I just spread my legs a little wider and asked him to make love to me. He didn't need asking twice. I've made love in cars and on a plane but this was the first time I'd ever made love in a small boat. Several times we nearly tipped it over. But we made it in the end! My husband fell asleep in my arms and when he woke his bottom was sunburnt bright red. I had to drive home while he sat sideways on the passenger seat.

I'm delighted to hear that your lure proved strong enough to dis- tract your husband from his deadly game.

Pretty Obvious

I recently read that researchers have shown that motorists who drive while using the telephone are more likely to have an accident. The researchers warned that drivers who become excited while talking on the telephone may be involved in a collision or lose control of their vehicles. Don't you think this is pretty obvious? Who pays for this sort of research? Surely a six year old spaniel could have come to the same conclusion.

Research of this calibre and importance is a rare commodity these days. But I have done some research of my own. I discovered that freemasons Brigadier Al E. Moaney D.F.C, B.B.C & Bar (44-44-48) and General Porpoises-Comity M.B.E (36-36-54), senior instructors at the Advanced Traffic Warden Training School just outside Big Tittington recently warned a mixed audience of unemployed television celebrities, orthopaedic surgeons and former stilt walkers that people who have sex on the fast lane of a motorway are more likely to be run over than people who have sex in their own back gardens; that filling your car with petrol while operating a flame thrower may increase your chances of suffering from burns and that people who jump out of aeroplanes without parachutes have an enhanced risk of suffering fatal injury upon coming into contact with the ground. General Porpoises-Comity is famous for having done personal research in 1985 which showed that large breasted women who walk around topless in public places are more likely to attract attention from men than are small breasted women who walk around in baggy raincoats.

Not Sure What To Do

I would like to try oral sex but I am not sure what to do. I am rather shy and a little bit worried about putting my foot in it.

Don't worry too much about putting your foot in it. This is un- likely unless you are a contortionist with uncontrollable muscle spasms.

My Husband Left Me For A Younger Woman

My husband left me nine months ago for another, younger woman. I haven't had sex with anyone else since he left. But last week I met a new man. I was so attracted to him that I agreed to have sex with him in his car. When I discovered the size of his penis I wished I hadn't been so quick to say 'yes'. It was half as long again as my husband's - and twice as thick. I couldn't get my hand around it when it was erect. It was an incredible experience because every time he moved it inside me I had an orgasm. Do you have any advice for women who find themselves face to face with such a big one?

Fiona Fuchswell and Henrietta Fuchs-Bloomingweil, leaders of the my specialist large penis team, say that the first thing any woman in your situation should do is get the man's telephone number and address. Fiona and Henrietta say it is important to do this before you start having sex because afterwards you might not be in a fit condition to write legibly.

Zip A.D.Doodah Survey

Twice last week I saw drivers climbing out of cars which were carrying orange 'disabled' cards in the windscreen. Neither of the individuals concerned seemed to have anything wrong with them. An unreliable survey conducted by a Zip A.D.Doodah and the Willenhall and Swindon Football Club Mixed Choir found that a staggering 42% of orange card holders have nothing more serious wrong with them than a slight twinge in the left knee when the weather is unusually damp. Mr Doodah, and his 18 year buxom blonde assistant Phep Sikola, found that 92% of orange disabled cards are routinely distributed to local government officers, policemen, traffic wardens and social workers as 'perks'.

He Wants To Watch

My boyfriend has told me that he wants to watch me making love to another man. A couple of months ago a girlfriend and I started going out on Friday nights. After two weeks my boyfriend got into the habit of asking me if I had been chatted up and if anything had happened. I got the feeling that he wanted me to say 'yes'. One night my friend got drunk and had sex in the pub car park with a man she'd only met an hour earlier. When I went out to find her I realised that she was having sex in full view of an entire taxi queue. When my boyfriend asked me again if anything had happened I told him the story but pretended that it had happened to me. He got really excited and we had wonderful sex. Since then I have made up stories every Saturday night. Some of the stories were outrageous and I thought, deep down, that my boyfriend knew I was making them up. But last week he suddenly told me that he was going to come out next Friday and watch me from a distance. I know I could 'score' with a man easily - I am always getting chatted up when I'm with my girlfriend. Do you think I should tell my boyfriend that I've been making all this stuff up, or should I get off with someone for his benefit?

If your boyfriend got turned on by watching you walk naked down the High Street would you do it? If he wanted you to start selling your body to government ministers would you do that? If he wanted you to put on a lesbian sex display with your best girlfriend would you do that? Where would you stop? Before you contemplate turning your boyfriend's fantasy into reality you should ask yourself what YOU want to do.

Jump Up And Down

Do you know of a quick way for me to tell if I am overweight?

Look in the mirror. If you want a more comprehensive test jump up and down and then stand perfectly still. If there are parts of you (other than breasts in women and twiddly bits in men) which are still wobbling more than five minutes later then you are seriously overweight.

My Wife Has A Lover

One night in bed my wife confessed that she had taken a lover. She told me that he was married but that his wife had gone off sex. Instead of feeling angry I found myself getting strongly aroused and got her to tell me all about it. I was surprised when my wife told me that her lover could make love for hours - though she confessed that he could only come when he entered her from the rear. I told her that I would agree to her continuing to have a lover if I could watch or listen to them having sex together. On the first occasion she tied me up in the spare bedroom and left the door open so that I could hear but not see what was going on but recently she has made a video of herself and her lover which we both enjoy watching together. She also likes me to make love to her after her lover has gone. Apart from the obvious problems of infection, pregnancy and so on (which we guard against) do you see any harm in carrying on with this situation?

You all sound as though you are consenting adults and so as long as none of you are church dignitaries, politicians or members of the Royal family the chances of your finding yourselves splashed over the pages 1 to 17 of 'Exchange and Bonk' are fairly remote. The main danger would seem to be that the bed or your wife's knees might give out. Good springs should help avoid the former and regular gentle exercise and a gentle thrice weekly massage with a damp, warm flannel should keep the latter in good condition.

Acting On Impulse

I like acting on impulse. My husband says it is a dangerous way to behave. He much prefers to think things through very carefully. He says that acting on impulse is a sign of immaturity.

I'm sure that acting on impulse can be dangerous. But it can also be fun. I frequently succumb to impulse. I remember that I bought my first motor car on impulse. It was raining and I couldn't find a shop selling umbrellas so I wandered into a second hand car lot and drove out, a few minutes later, behind the wheel of an enormous Humber which proved later to do something in the region of four miles per gallon as long as three of the miles were downhill. As I drove out of the car lot I turned on the windscreen wipers. They swung enthusiastically to the right, flew off the windscreen and disappeared for ever.

My Husband Can't Keep His Hands Off Me

I never used to wear anything in bed but during the last few months I've started wearing nighties. I've noticed a great improvement in our sex life. My husband can't keep his hands off me. He says that he loves caressing me through the material - and gradually unwrapping me has become part of our foreplay. I find that if I wear something underneath the nightie - a bra, knickers and suspender belt and stockings for example - it drives him wild.

You have discovered (rediscovered?) that touch is a fairly potent sense. When you add a little mystery and intrigue to the thrills of all those different textures you can't lose. Push the stakes even higher by putting a drop of perfume between your breasts occasionally. Going to bed early will soon become a way of life.

A Girl Is Just For A Minute Or Two

Why does my girlfriend get so uptight when I sleep with other girls? A puppy may be for life but a girl is just for a minute or two. I don't feel anything for the girls I sleep with. They're just a bit of fun on the side. How can I convince her of this?

I think you might have a bit of an uphill battle here. As I see it, the main problem you face is that you are a complete and utter prat. This will, I fear, count against you as you endeavour to persuade your girlfriend of your good intentions. I am, however, enormously impressed that you manage to make your love making last as a long as a minute or two. Your girlfriend must be so proud to welcome you into her bed.

Judgment Day

Do you think God is planning to have a judgement day - a sort of celestial Nuremberg Trial - where we will all be tried?

We all see god as a reflection of ourselves, our motives, our souls, our passions and our karmas. The wicked and vengeful see a wicked and vengeful god. The generous and forgiving see a generous and forgiving god.

Used To Be Full Of Fun

I am nearly 18 and since I left school I have changed a lot. At school I used to be full of fun and loved a good laugh. I was overweight and I was always getting into trouble but I didn't really care about anything - largely because I had lots of good friends. But now I've left school my whole life has changed. I have no confidence and I worry about what other people think. My whole attitude to life seems to have changed. Say 'goodbye' to childhood and innocence and 'hello' to matu- rity and all the attendant sorrows. At school you were living in a closed and entirely unnatural community. Now you are exposed to the rigours of the real world where the competition is more intense and the rules quite different. You must build your confidence up slowly and carefully. Don't be too frightened by the changes you feel in yourself - these are merely your responses to the fact that the world around you has changed. Remember that what is happening to you happens to everyone - the fact that you are conscious of the changes taking places simply makes you feel more vulnerable. Others may seem to have adapted to the real world with greater ease but your adaptation, when it comes, will be far more securely based.

Stress And Strain

I wish you would write something about the stress and strain children are under when they take examinations.

Stop worrying. According to an officially leaked report politicians have decided to do away with examinations in schools everywhere. 'We regard them as unfair, divisive, elitist and discriminating,' say Roger Fawcett-Innard, Emeritus Professor of Juggling at Northern Cairo University and the bathukolpian Daphne Lykesett-Innard, Senior Lecturer in Weed Identification at Milton Keynes College of Further Education. 'People who are bright or who work hard tend to obtain better examination results than people who are stupid or lazy,' said Roger Fawcett-Innard. 'This simply isn't fair to people who are stupid or lazy. In future everyone will write down on a piece of paper details of the qualifications they want and that is exactly what they will get. If they can't write down what they want because they are illiterate they can point to a picture in a catalogue.' 'We want to make acquiring qualifications just as easy as buying a toaster or a lawn mower through a mail order shopping catalogue,' added Daphne Lyksett-Innard (44-24-44).

He Says They Both Liked It

I am really keen to try what you call 'forbidden sex'. My husband says he did it with two previous girlfriends. He says that although they both said that it hurt to start with both told him that they preferred it to any other type of sex. He said they both said that eventually they had bigger and more explosive orgasms than when having sex any other way. I know that socially (and possibly even legally) this type of sex is 'forbidden' and I realise that if one partner is an AIDS carrier it can be deadly but I would appreciate your comments.

When I was a very young doctor I remember once asking a pa- tient if she had any trouble with her back passage. She told me that the neighbour kept leaving his bicycle parked there. I was, of course, referring to a slightly smaller and more intimate thoroughfare than my patient and the resultant confusion took some time to disentangle. The sexual technique you describe is one of the world's oldest forms of contraception. But, as you say, there are major hazards - and these need to be taken seriously. Condoms are vital.

Erotic Feelings

I have erotic feelings about cars. I only have to look at a car I find attractive to get an erection.

I assume that you only find certain makes of car a turn on. Ferraris and Lambourghinis are fairly sexy vehicles but I can't really see anyone getting turned on by a Vauxhall Roundhead or a Ford Gigolo. Try and make sure that you don't chase after cars. This can be a humiliating experience. If you do catch a car remember that the exhaust pipe, however attractive it may appear to be, is likely to be very hot.

Small Breasts

I have quite small breasts. Is it true that they will get bigger if I get pregnant? My doctor has just told me that I'm pregnant and I'm rather looking forward to having a decent bust.

Some women's breasts almost double in size during pregnancy (though not, of course, if the original size was dependant upon silicone implants). But the size explosion doesn't usually last. I suggest that you take advantage of the blousing boom and enjoy the extra cleavage because at the end of your pregnancy your breasts may well shrink and go back to something approaching their pre-pregnancy size. And I'm afraid that because your breast skin will have stretched there is a chance that your breasts may sag and lose their firmness afterwards. Of course, if you get pregnant again the breast tissue will expand and fill the skin and everything will be wonderful again. A recent survey of mothers in the midlands showed that 43% of women who have lots of babies do so simply so that they can keep their breasts looking deliciously round, beautifully firm, curvaceous and fulsome.

A Constant State Of Readiness

My husband swears that he only gets erections when we are together. But he admits that he does see women whom he finds attractive. Is it not an automatic reaction for a man's penis to become erect every time he sees a pretty woman?

Teenage boys often complain that they are in a constant state of usually pointless readiness but the average adult penis, poor wee pink beastie, would soon get worn out and frayed at the end if it sprang into action every time its owner spotted an attractive woman. Physical attraction usually has to be accompanied and enhanced either by some physical contact (finger tip to finger tip may well be sufficient), a suggestive action or a little hope, encouragement and expectation.

Two Halves

Is it true that the two halves of the brain are responsible for different types of thought?

Some experts argue that in right handed people the left hand side of the brain is supposed to control analytical, logical thought whereas the right hand side of the brain controls artistic thought, visualisation and imagery. Alternatively, other experts, mostly drunk, claim that the right hand side of the brain controls erotic dreams about the girl across the road with the double whammy chest whereas the left hand side of the brain controls thoughts about how to spend a lottery win. Doubtful evidence from a report written by two spotless dalmatians and a piano tuner shows that people with no brain at all (such as almost any politician you care to name) have none of these skills so none of this matters a damn anyway.

I Find It Difficult To Forget The Past

I got divorced a year ago. I still find it difficult to forget the past. I worry constantly about what went wrong with the marriage and what I might have done differently. How can I forget everything that we did together? We had some rough patches it is true but there were also some happy memories. I just can't forget twelve years of my life.

You shouldn't even try to forget those twelve years. They were, are, and always will be an important part of your life. Don't try to forget anything. But you have to lock those thoughts and experiences away safely in your memory so that you can get on with your life. Preserve the good memories, taking them out to enjoy them from time to time, and allow the bad memories to fade away and disappear.

Intimidating

I find computers rather intimidating. My wife and children understand them but I don't. They want to go on the internet so that we can send and receive e mails but I am reluctant. Can you think of an excuse I can offer?

The only software worth spending money on is the slinky stuff worn by girlfriends, mistresses and clever wives. E mail is useful for friendless halitosis sufferers who have no chance of forming real human relationships. The prospect of opening my life to e mail attracts me about as much as herpes. Tell your wife that opening up your computer to the internet and to e mail is a dangerous and hazardous business. An American was recently arrested in Denmark by German police for writing something on the internet which broke German laws. Since the internet is global there is a pretty good chance that virtually anything you write will be breaking a law somewhere. Plus, if you have any enemies there is the danger that they could download child pornography into your computer and then tip off the police.

Complete Plonkers

Why are men such complete plonkers? My husband travels abroad a lot and can't keep his trousers on when he meets a pretty woman. We've been married six years and he has had affairs with a French girl, a German girl and two Dutch women. I've just thrown him out.

It was God's little joke to give men a brain and a penis but only enough blood to be able to use one of the organs at a time. Your husband clearly has a penchant for foreign affairs. Why not suggest he take up a career in politics?

A Big Argument

My friend and I have been having a tremendous argument. She says that money doesn't make a difference to whether a woman likes a man. I say it does. What do you think?

Imagine that you are equally in love with two men but have to choose between them. Both are the same age and general appearance. Both have a great sense of humour. Both are kind, clever and good lovers. Both come from warm, loving families. One is penniless. Living with him will involve a life of penury, hard work, poor food and a subsistence existence. The other is rich. Living with him will mean luxury, comfort, security and no financial worries. Which man do you choose to spend your life with? Answer that question and you'll have probably answered your own question.

God Is A Woman

You recently referred to god as a man. She is a woman.

OK. But you must also accept that the devil is a woman.

A Turn On

Last year our teenager children both decided to go on holiday with friends so my wife and I went away without them for the first time in 18 years. I've been impotent for seven years though my doctor has never been able to find an explanation. On our first day away I left my wife on the beach while I went to find a bank to change some money. She is just three years younger than me but has a terrific figure - by which I mean she is quite slim but has large breasts. She was wearing just the bottom half of a tiny bikini. It was the first time she had ever been topless in public but she didn't seem at all embarrassed. When I got back she was sitting talking to a young, tanned, Frenchman. He had a very noticeable bulge in his tiny trunks and was waving his hands around inches away from my wife's breasts. Occasionally, and not in the least bit accidentally, his hands would brush against her. She didn't seem to mind. In fact I could tell that she was leaning forwards as much as she could. When I sat down the Frenchman got up and left. My wife seemed disappointed. After a long period of silence I asked her if she had fancied him. She admitted she had. I felt bad about the fact that I hadn't been able to make love to her for so many years and I asked her if she would like me to leave her alone with him. She said 'no' at first but when I repeated the question she admitted that she would like it very much. I said I didn't mind if she took him back to our hotel room. I moved to another part of the beach and waited. The Frenchman must have been watching because a few minutes later he returned. Half an hour later they left the beach hand in hand. They were away for an hour and when my wife returned it was clear from the smile on her face that she had had a good time. To my surprise I was turned on by all this and I found that for the first time in years I had an erection. When I showed my wife (I surreptitiously put her hand onto the front of my trunks so that she could feel it) she immediately took me back to the hotel and we had fantastic sex. Now, if I have difficulty in getting an erection my wife just reminds me of the hour she spent with the Frenchman. She has given me all the details many times but I never tire of hearing about it. We are going back to the same place at the beginning of August this year and I have already told her that I do not mind if she has another adventure. The last one gave me back my manhood and revitalised our sex life.

Ooh la la. Your naughty little wife had an enjoyable romp, no? (Either that or you have a very vivid imagination.)

Writing To Express My Disapproval

As a professional administrator I am writing to express my disapproval at your recent remarks about members of my profession. I, and other colleagues, found your comments most offensive. I have made formal complaints to the appropriate authorities and intend demanding that your name be removed from the medical register. Doctors like yourself must learn to recognise that proper administrative controls are an essential part of modern life. Fortunately, most of your professional colleagues are well aware of the important part that administration plays in the secure and stable management of a health care environment.

You were five once. And your parents were probably proud of you and had high hopes for you. And you probably produced nice finger paintings at school and took your mum bunches of wild flowers and laughed and cried during the three legged race on school sports day and got all overcome with excitement on Christmas eve. And fell over trying to kick a football and had a favourite teddy bear. And later you came over all coy when you had your first real kiss - and your body felt as though you'd been plugged into the electricity supply. And you had great dreams about the future and what you were going to do with your life. What the hell happened to turn you into such a pompous prat?

Whatever Happened To Justice?

I know three people who have had raw deals in court recently. No one seems to care any more. What happened to justice?

It's probably hiding out with fair play - terrified to show its face in a world where both are now regarded as outcasts. Ever since the crucifixion justice has been miscarried with enthusiasm but these days our courts seem to do it with a certain amount of pride. The only thing which is important is the system. The individual is now merely fodder to keep the system alive. We have created a monster. It is my belief that the ordinary, law abiding citizen is probably at greater risk from the various elements of the judiciary than he is from criminals.

I Was Very Willing

I am a virgin. Ten days ago my boyfriend tried to make love to me. I was very willing but also very nervous and I found it very painful. Afterwards I visited my doctor. She examined me and told me that there was absolutely nothing at all wrong with me. She gave me a prescription for the contraceptive pill and told me to go away, relax and enjoy myself. But I'm still worried that things won't be any better next time. My opening seems so small compared to the size of his penis.

Coming face to face with an erect penis can be quite a shock if your only previous experience of single pipe organs has been a quick peep at the limp, and largely insignificant, chiselled accoutrements adorning the Greek statues during a school visit to the Louvre. Anxiety, nerves and apprehension can mean that actually having the thing inside you is painful rather than enjoyable. Lying back and thinking of your country isn't likely to help much unless you're really kinky, and learning to relax is the key.

An Annoyance

Why don't men put the toilet seat down when they've finished? It really annoys me that they don't.

That is as stupid as asking why don't women put the toilet seat up when they've finished with it. Are you physically incapable of lowering a toilet seat? My friend Topsy (78-24-36) says that you sound like one of those feminists who wants men to do everything for them so that they can have more time to complain, whinge, moan and generally make life as miserable as possible for everyone they meet. (Best wishes to Topsy, by the way. She went jogging last week and her chest still hasn't stopped oscillating.)

I Come Too Soon

I always seem to come too soon - particularly when I go with a woman I haven't been with before.

I assume that you are referring to a sexual problem rather than the fact that you have to spend time waiting when you meet your dates at a restaurant or cinema. If my supposition is correct then I suggest that you try distracting yourself by thinking of something else as the crucial moment approaches. If, however, your problem is simply arriving too soon and having to wait around then I suggest that you drive more slowly or catch a later bus.

Short Skirt And No Panties

I very much enjoy men staring at me. Last week I went out in a very short skirt with no panties underneath. I then travelled up the escalator in a nearby department store. Quite a few men were ogling me and I could tell that they had seen everything I've got. One man's wife hit him so hard in the ribs that his spectacles fell off. Also I often go out in a see through blouse with no bra underneath. I am always careful about where I do all this. But I do get a real thrill out of it.

I understand that the government is very grateful to you for bring- ing so much sunshine into so many lives and helping hard working men forget their daily labours and burdens for a few moments. I have arranged for you to be honoured by your government.

They Snigger At Him

My bloke's penis is quite small. He complains that the other guys all snigger at him in the showers. I confess that although I am not well experienced in these matters it is a little bit of a disappointment to me. I have spoken to one or two girl friends and from what they have told me I think it is probably true that my boyfriend's penis is below average in size. Can you help us? Do you recommend plastic surgery?

I certainly do not recommend plastic surgery for men with under- sized penises any more than I recommend plastic surgery for women who have been awarded small prizes in the great breast lottery of life. And it is well worth remembering that although it is perfectly true that some women do claim that equipment which has apparently been designed to tickle the tonsils can be both visually and physically stimulating, a survey of all 69 members of the Little Dickley-Under-Water Institute for Christian Women showed that an enormous penis comes fifth on a list of 'Requirements for a Good Lover', well behind 'clean feet' and 'sensitive fingers'. (Incidentally, chairwoman Phyllis Stein tells me that she likes affairs with salesmen because their tongues move faster than anyone else's). There are, however, quite a few things you can do to make the most of what your partner has got. Most important of all you should know which specific sexual positions you (and he) are likely to find most satisfying. Finally, may I suggest that the next time your man is due to share the showers with a bunch of halfwits you put on extra lipstick and kiss him in a place which will make other men intensely jealous. He can then point out to them that women are always much more willing to perform oral sex when their partner is modestly equipped.

Terrified

I'm terrified of dentists. A few years ago I had a really bad experience with a dentist who was, I'm sure, a fully paid up member of the Sadists' Society. Do you have any suggestions about how I can overcome my fears? I know that I need to see a dentist.

Ask everyone you know to tell you the name of their dentist and to give him/her scores out of 10 for kindness, trustworthiness and professional skill. Write down all the information and then choose a new dentist. Many of your fears will disappear if you know you're going to see someone whom your friends and relatives trust. Since the dentistry part of the National Health Service was quietly dismantled while no one was looking you may have to pay privately or join a private insurance scheme.

Incidentally, unreliable research has shown that the two things people fear most are flying and visiting the dentist. So I'm pleased to announce that Harold J.Corncrake of Boffo Airlines has set up the world's first 'Dentist of the Air' service. Passengers who fly with Boffo will be able to get their teeth dealt with while in the air. 'We felt that many customers would welcome the chance to get all their nightmares over in one swoop,' explained Corncrake. The Boffo airline motto is: 'We Provide Quite Good Service And We Rarely Crash.'

It Wasn't Belgian And It Wasn't Chocolate

'Open your mouth and close your eyes,' said my boyfriend when he came back from a trip to Brussels. And like a fool I did as he told me. I thought he was going to give me a Belgian chocolate but what he put in my mouth wasn't Belgian and it certainly wasn't chocolate. I'd never had anything like that in my mouth before and at first I was rather surprised. I think I managed quite well and I confess that I enjoyed doing it but I would like a few tips before I do it again.

Your boyfriend's action was thoughtless, rude and ungallant but I'm glad you got a potential problem licked.

Just Had An Affair

I have recently had an affair with my secretary - partly because my wife hasn't been interested in sex for over a year. Last week my wife unexpectedly made a sexual approach in bed. But I was unable to get an erection. My wife claims that this proves that I have been unfaithful.

There are lots of reasons for impotence but guilt is one of the commonest and your wife's guess is, in your case, clearly accurate. On the other hand it is not uncommon for married men to be impotent when trying to boff their secretaries (this results in their having to limp home with their tails between their legs). Other reasons for a failure to salute the flag include exhaustion, prescription drug side effects and the effects of alcohol. You must see your own doctor so that he can make sure that there is no physical cause for your impotence.

Worried

I am worried about what would happen if I was called to sit on a jury. If I had sympathy with the aims and actions of the defendants would I be bound to find them guilty if I thought the evidence showed that they were guilty of what they were accused of doing even if I thought that what they did was justified? What if I believed that they did not deserve to be sent to prison? Could I find them not guilty even if I thought they were guilty?

My legal adviser Knott Werrybryte tells me that as a juror you should be free to bring in a verdict of 'not guilty' for any reason you like. I don't think judges (yet) have the right to insist that you tell them how or why you came to your decision. And so you can, if you like, bring in a verdict of not guilty because you think that what the defendants did was justifiable. Incidentally, I don't think I'm allowed to give this sort of advice, so please cut this letter out and burn it when you've read it.

Fed Up Of Men Looking At My Breasts

I have quite large breasts and I am fed up of men looking at my chest when they talk to me. I invariably have to lift a man's chin up a couple of inches when I meet someone new.

You could try hiding your assets under bandaging, padding and several layers of jumpers. But that would be a pity. Try to look on the positive side. I have no doubt that it can be infuriating to find men staring at your breasts all the time. But it must also occasionally be exciting to know the effect you are having on otherwise rational and sensible men. I once knew a woman who had a similar problem. She had a great deal of body fat which had all accumulated in two places. She was a very keen tennis player. I understand that she might have risen quite high in the rankings if the authorities had ever been able to find anyone able to concentrate while umpiring her tennis matches.

Engaged (But Not Ready For Children)

My boyfriend and I are engaged but we don't want to start a family. We've had full sex twice and then not slept for days afterwards waiting to see if everything would be all right. What do you think the chances are of my getting pregnant if we continue to have sex? We both enjoy oral sex but are there any other sexual positions we could try?

Two killer phrases are 'Nothing can go wrong' and 'We never thought that would happen'. (Both of these, together with 'It's foolproof' are constant favourites of moronic men in white coats). Murphy's Law ensures that if you place an erect penis within inches of the traditional target zone but don't want to start a family the chances are high that a single emission will do the trick. Fortunately, there are all sorts of exciting, innovative and imaginative things that two people can do with a penis which do not involve a vagina.

Upsetting

My husband has a drawer in which he keeps knickers worn by all the women he has been to bed with. When I told him that I found it rather upsetting he just laughed. Our sex life is non existent but I know that he sometimes takes a pair of the knickers into the lavatory with him. I don't know what he does in there but I can guess.

I can guess too. I fear that your husband is a sad, witless, under- sexed little man who undoubtedly has a callus on his palm which is bigger than his brain. If it is any consolation he undoubtedly either snatched the knickers from washing lines and dirty laundry baskets or bought them mail order from Elsie Gussett and her damp team in Belgium. Unless he is exceptionally good at putting up shelves, mending dripping taps and performing other simple chores around the house I suggest that you send him and his collection of used underwear to the next Church jumble sale and pick up a more serviceable replacement from your nearest public house.

Where Is The Evidence?

I know that you believe that drinking water which gets recycled several times (as most drinking water does these days) may contain residues of drugs such as tranquillisers and contraceptive pills. Is there any scientific evidence for this belief?

Yes. River water which contains effluent from sewage facilities (and which is then reused to provide drinking water) often contains measurable quantities of female hormones (presumably from the contraceptive pill). My view is that water companies may be able to filter out old shoes, condoms, bicycles and bedsteads but I do not believe that they can remove chemicals or drug residues. When water from the Mississippi river was tested recently it was found to contain large amounts of caffeine. The amount of caffeine in the river was, not surprisingly, at its highest levels downstream of large cities. When you drink a cup of tea made with 'fresh-from-the-tap' recycled water you may also be drinking the residues from someone else's contraceptive pills or sleeping tablets.

A Picture Of My Wife

I was flicking through a soft porn magazine the other day when I came across a picture of my wife. I couldn't believe it! She had posed under another name but it was definitely her. I was shocked. I was also shocked by the comments she was reported to have made. According to the reporter who had interviewed her she had told him that it was her ambition to have sex with an entire football team. In some of the photographs she was wearing bits and pieces of football strip. I didn't even think she liked football.

I shouldn't worry too much about the comments your wife is al- leged to have made. There is a good chance that she wasn't even there when she was interviewed but that the writer simply invented something suitably erotic. And if the comments are true then you can take some comfort from the fact that she only wanted to have sex with one team at a time. A less picky and more lascivious woman might have fantasised about both teams, the referee, the two linesmen and even the entire crowd. I assume that since you are one part of the soft porn industry you aren't really too upset about the fact that your wife has played a more active role in the same industry.

Could This Be True?

I read recently that American and Canadian researchers have claimed that the average man thinks about sex once every 2.3 minutes. Do you think this is true?

I doubt if it's true. In the past Freud argued that if you think about sex a lot you are a sex maniac whereas if you don't admit to thinking about sex then you are clearly a repressed sex maniac. But Freud himself was a sex maniac so his evidence may have been distorted. Altogether, I rather think that this piece of research confirms my suspicion that there is unlikely to be any intelligent life in America. (I am pretty sure that there is none in Canada.)

Feminine Underwear

My husband is a transvestite. He always wears feminine underwear and sometimes dresses completely in skirts and blouses or dresses. I don't mind at all. In fact, to be honest, I quite enjoy it. We have never told my family about this because I know that my parents are rather old fashioned. When they came to stay recently my mother insisted on helping me with the washing. She noticed that there was a bra in the washing basket that was clearly not my size and after heavy questioning I admitted that the bra belonged to my husband. Now - even though my husband and I are very happy - she wants me to leave him.

What an interfering, prejudiced, bigoted old biddy your mother is. You have no choice: dump the mother and keep the husband.

I Love It When Men Stare

My breasts are quite large (44DD). I like them and I love it when men stare. But although I thought breasts were supposed to be sensitive to the touch I can barely feel anything when my boyfriend touches me. Why? And why do I get extremely turned on when I see other womens' breasts?

Years of clinical research has convinced me that most breasts like to be treated gently and affectionately. Persuade your boyfriend to touch them with his finger tips. Get him to lick your nipples and to then very, very gently and lightly mark contour lines around your breasts with the extreme tip of his finger nails. If that doesn't make you go weak at the knees then see your doctor. (I'm sure that he too would be keen to perform the simple tests I have described but he may have even more sophisticated techniques available to enable him to check that everything is normal). Don't worry about the fact that you like looking at other womens' breasts. Many women get turned on by breasts - our society has, after all, turned them into erotic symbols.

My Bum Is Too Big

I'm quite slim but I've got a really big bum. The girl who lives next door to me has a lovely bum. Why?

Has it occurred to you that the girl next door might envy you your big bum? After all, many men find a large bottom attractive. Anyway, surely you have heard of the bit in the bible that says: 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass.'

Condom Counter

Why do chemists shops always stock the condoms on the counter with the prettiest and youngest female assistant in attendance? Last week I went into four chemists' shops and purchased four toothbrushes, four packs of sticking plaster and four bottles of aspirin because each time my nerve failed me.

You have answered your own question. Meanwhile, let me cheer you up with this true story. A young lady friend of mine who works in a chemist's shop tells me that her boss, a stout, graceless and normally humourless woman in her fifties, recently obtained considerable amusement from having sold a young romeo six packs of ribbed condoms - all different colours and flavours. 'Some young girl is going to get a bit of a going over tonight,' said the woman. Sadly, however, the woman's sense of humour is reported to have disappeared again when the same young man, pockets presumably bulging with condoms and trousers bulging with promise and bad intentions, turned up on her doorstep that evening to pick up her seventeen year old daughter for a date.

Inverted Nipples

I have large breasts but inverted nipples. My doctor always dismisses my worries but I find the condition embarrassing. He has examined my breasts and says that the nipples can be pulled into shape by gentle suction. Can I obtain a machine to do this?

Pop into your local pub and ask if anyone present trusts politi- cians. When you find someone who says 'yes' you will have identified a real sucker. Make sure that he/she is sterile and entirely free from infection. Put your nipples into the sucker's mouth (preferably one at a time) and ask him (or her) to draw in breath as though drinking through a straw. Chances are good that your problem will disappear and your nipples will stand firm and proud. This procedure may have to be repeated at regular intervals.

Home Movie Star

My husband recently bought a camcorder and set it up in our bedroom. He told me that it was for our pleasure only and that no one else would ever see the horny videos we made of ourselves. A few weeks ago, after a disastrous night out with some girlfriends, I arrived home early to find my husband and half a dozen of his friends drinking and watching one of our home made videos. Instead of being angry it really turned me on and although I would not watch with them and went straight to bed I now find that it is me who likes acting all sorts of scenes in and out of the bedroom. The more explicit they are the more I enjoy them. The knowledge that my husband's friends will be watching us in action is really exciting and a massive turn on. Do you think that what we are doing is against the law?

Since what you are doing provides enjoyment it is probably or, i